That creeping, anxious feeling, that I wish for the life of me would just go away, but it doesn't.
I grew up in a home where we were known for our tempers. "There is that Henkel temper," was a common thing to hear. So much that anger, and irritability became part of who I expected myself to be. Being angry became acceptable somehow.
For a long time as a young adult my anger was hardly existent. It didn't rear it's ugly ahead again until shortly after Dave and I got married. I'm not sure what he thought the first time I absolutely lost it on him. I surprised myself I know. I recall some of those first few marital spats, and now realize how something very wrong was going on even then, but I didn't realize it. I remember being so angry and unable to control myself that I threw, no joke, a coffee table. Not a cup, or a plate...a COFFEE TABLE! Another time I remember being so upset at him, that I seriously almost threw a pot of boiling water at him, but somehow was able to rationalize in that moment that that was not ok, and instead went to the refrigerator and literally Hulk squeezed yogurt containers so hard that they exploded all over the kitchen. It wasn't too long after that that I started correlating the intensity of my anger with the birth control I was on. I had never been on birth control before I was married, and so almost as soon as I realized that, I went off of it, and didn't have anger issues for quite a long time.
A few years later we had our first baby, and 3 months postpartum I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. I seriously had no symptoms at the time. I felt fine. Was trying to lose a few pounds, and was a bit tired, but that defines pretty much every new mom 3 months postpartum. I was placed on thyroid medication. It took about 6 months to get me on a dose that was good for me, but after that I felt fine. I had normal new mom anxiety, but nothing significant. I was working 3 days a week at the clinic at the time, and enjoyed my days off with Abbie. We did lots of things- went on walks, to the Discovery museum, library, and visited parks. I remember being in somewhat of a health kick back then so I made a lot of meals from scratch, blogged regularly, even dabbled in photography. We were active in our church, and busy, but I never recall feeling overwhelmed. I loved my new role as a mom, and enjoyed it immensely.
When Abbie as about 2 1/2 we found out we were expecting Baby #2. This was planned so we weren't surprised. We were in the middle of moving to Chicago at the time so we had some major life transitions, but the timing was good for us. That pregnancy though was probably one of the hardest things I have ever been through. There were days that I could barely move I was so sick. Days where a 2 year old Abbie rubbed my back while I vomited in the toilet. She took care of me, even though I wish I could have taken better care of her. I slept a lot. She watched a lot of cartoons. Most days I couldn't do more than just "be." I remember feeling overwhelmed some during that pregnancy. I was working at Hearts at Home, and still working some doing Veterinary Technician work on the side. Then along came Alex. He was much fussier, and clingier than Abbie was, and it took me several months to really have feelings of love for him. I struggled most days just feeling like I was barely making it. Surviving let alone even trying to think about thriving. I wish I would have realized then what I realize now: I should have gone on medication for postpartum anxiety.
As he got a bit older things seemed to be more manageable so I felt "better." Then we decided to sell our condo, move in with family, move cross country, and somewhere in that mess I helped deliver a few babies with my job as doula. I was overwhelmed and anxious to say the least, but again...manageable. I have always been a perfectionist, and a control freak. I "take care of myself" for fear of being considered week or "not strong enough." I should have gotten help. I really should have.
Since having Alex I have seemed to have a downward spiral of health issues. Right about the time we moved it became apparant to me that I was having some GI issues. I was suspicious of gluten issues and potentially dairy. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew I wasn't right. I tried to get some answers before we moved, but moving only forced me to find new doctors, which led to lots of waiting, and more lab tests, and well you know that whole story if you have followed me for long. It is what led me to lots of lab tests, a really restrictive diet, and a slew of supplements earlier this year.
It was shortly before I went to see my new doctor this past spring that I started to have some irrational anger again- Lashing out at the kids and Dave. Going from 0 to 60 about the stupidest things. Heart racing, shallow breathing, out of body experience panic attacks. It's so hard to explain a panic attack to someone who has never had one. Dave was trying to use logic and reason to understand one day as I tried to explain to him, and I said "You can't logically try to understand a panic attack or a mental illness, it is the most illogical, thing you could ever imagine. There is sometimes no rhyme or reason, no why, no when, it just BAM hits you, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You feel yourself doing it, but you can't control what you are doing. You see yourself being this person that isn't you. You don't even recognize yourself, but you can't do a darn thing to stop it."
The episode last spring finally led me to a counselor. Upon which she assessed me for both anxiety and depression and I was close to off the charts for anxiety. We waited to do anything more though until after my thyroid lab work was evaluated. Sure enough that came back, and my thyroid wasn't converting my T3 hormone properly anymore. I was placed on a new medication, new dose, and started to feel a night and day difference. I was assessed for anxiety 6 weeks later, and barely registered on the anxiety spectrum that time. I started my diet changes and supplements at the beginning of June, and got through the end of July before I started feeling "off" again. I started to get more irritable than normal, angry about stupid things again, and so we reassessed again. Checked my thyroid labs, and much to my dismay, my thyroid was worse. What I had hoped that my diet changes, and supplements would start to heal, wasn't healing at all. At that time we finally were able to get a hold of my adrenal tests, and that revealed that my levels were ridiculously backwards. My doctor was surprised that I was even sleeping at all. I started a new medication for my thyroid, and some supplements to heal my adrenals, and hoped for the best, only now....here I am again. 2 months later, and the anger, crying, anxiety....it's all back. Can I just say that I would give up even more foods than I have given up already if I could feel emotionally stable again? To not have such high highs and low lows.
Here's the thing though....I've given up all foods that cause insulin spikes. I don't eat sugar besides sugar in low glycemic fruits. I don't drink caffeine. There is nothing left in my diet that I could give up.
I called one of my closest friends yesterday who has struggled off and on with anxiety, and it just felt good for once to talk to someone who understands exactly how I feel. To not get baffled looks or clueless glances in return when I describe how I feel, or to be treated like I'm crazy, but to get empathy, to know I am normal even though what I am feeling is not, to feel not alone. As I talked with her I realized that what seemed like a night and day difference to me this past spring, still might not have been me being 100% again. When I think of me feeling 100%, the last time was long before Alex ever came into the picture. I remember enjoying being a mom when Abbie was little. I remember the fun we had, the joy I had. There was a lot going on in our lives, but I never felt overwhelmed and unable to cope like I frequently have in the last 3 years. My friend told me that since going on anti-anxiety meds she finally enjoys her kids again. That brought me to tears. There are parts of motherhood that are so hard, that any mom, anxiety or not, just has to get through sometimes, but someone with anxiety sometimes can completely zone out of their day, and physically be there, but in reality be so far from present. I can't even count the number of days this has happened, and that makes me mad.....this thing, this beast that I didn't choose, is robbing me of my motherhood. Is stealing who I really am from my husband, and my kids. And don't get me started on the spiritual attacks that happen on top of my anxiety. Satan has a hay day with it. It's probably lies from the enemy that have made me wait this long to admit I may need help.
One of the confusing parts of anxiety for me has been that I will have really good days, and I start to think "Oh I must be fine." So you ignore it, and you keep ignoring it, because you think you can outsmart it. You think you can be stronger than it, but you can't. I don't have to be stronger than this. It hit me this past week, that I haven't really fully given this all up to God yet. I've had false hope that my diet and supplements will heal me. I keep thinking if I do XYZ then I will get better. Maybe, but maybe not. I need to trust in the provision of he ultimate healer, not try to maintain control so I can heal myself. Last night on my way home a song came on the radio reminding me not to fear. It was one of those God moments when I felt Him speaking directly to me through that song....He's got this! All of it! Whether I need to go on anti-anxiety medication or not, He is still God. He is still in control, and He is still good!
This morning we had bible study, and I was leading our group. I was having a rough morning though. Every part of my being wanted to stay home today. I didn't want anything to do with anyone today. I just wanted to stay home, and sit in my PJs. I went anyway though...I had to go, and I sat down in the back by myself, listened to worship, prayed, and just cried. I texted a few friends before bible study started asking for prayer, and was able to share about my struggle today during our prayer time. Can I just say how healing that is? To be vulnerable, and raw is so scary, yet the healing that comes from that is so worth the risk. The "me toos" I get to hear when I am vulnerable, the encouragement, and the prayer warriors...all of those things help carry me through when I am just barely stumbling through my days.
My doctor did end up sending me in for lab work today to check my thyroid levels, and so right now I wait. We will see what the results show. Honestly I am at the point now where even if my medication dose needs adjustment, I would be happy to go on some anti-anxiety medication just to get me through this season. So please pray. For wisdom with the results, and next steps. For strength in the process, and for me to ultimately give up all control, and have hope in the one who truly heals.
Blessings,
