I miss my friends.
(My apologizes for the crappy photo girls....this is the best I could find!)
I wasn't really sure what would be the hardest part of this move, and so far that has seemed to be at the forefront of my mind. It's not that I don't miss my family. I do, but let's be honest.....I already lived 2 to 2 1/2 hours away from them so I didn't get to see them every week. Sometimes I would go a few months without seeing them, so though I'm farther away now, it's not much different than it was before. My friends back in the Chicago suburbs however....these are the people I did life with on a daily basis- moms groups, play dates, girls nights, etc. (And if you are my family and you actually read my blog...please don't be offended. You know I love you, and I call you all my friends as well and I miss you a lot!)
It's funny how for so long I prayed for relationships like that in my own community. I had friends, but many of my closest friends lived out of state, so to connect with them on a regular basis was hard. I prayed for a long time for God to bring me friendships like I had with the girls I just moved away from, and right when I was getting comfortable....my comfort was taken away.
I suppose it's good though. I started going to a women's bible study this week that is talking about our idols, and it's been eye opening already, as I start to realize what idols I have in my own life. In this particular study it's talking about idols being defined as anything we put above and before God. I realize now that I often times seek out affirmation and validation from others, and though I've grown a lot in these areas, I still have growing to do. I am a people pleaser by nature. I want people to like me. I don't want to offend anyone, and often times I run to my friends first for encouragement and help before I run to God. He wants me to be in fellowship. He wants us to share our hearts and be real with others, but nothing...no, nothing is ever to take the place of Him being our #1. So this distance....this being taken out of my comfort zone...it's a good thing, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
The first time I cried after moving was in church on Sunday as I sat in a room and worshiped with people I didn't know. This morning I attended my first MOPS groups ever (if you don't know about MOPS you should check it out here. It's an amazing moms group that helps you get connected, and they are located all over the place!). It was good. I knew I needed to be there, but I was having a hard time talking this morning (very uncharacteristic of me :) I felt my throat well up, and my eyes brim with tears several times just at the overwhelming and daunting feeling of what making new friends actually means.
Making new friends is messy. It's hard. It's letting down your guard and being real and raw in the broken places of your heart. It's not knowing when you've said too much, or too little, because you don't know these people yet. You fear being judged. You fear being ridiculed. You fear being not enough. All the while your heart screams "please just love me for me!" You so desperately want to be loved. To be enough. To just be you. Past hurts come to mind from previous friendships and throw arrows at you, making you not want to be open and real. And it's in moments like that, that you have a choice. You have a choice to take a risk. Or you you have a choice to just be and stay closed off. I've been both before, and though I know the task of building friendships is a hard one, I know now from being on both sides in the past that taking the risk is worth it. For God truly blessed me by letting my guard down with my friends back in the Chicago suburbs. For every raw part of my heart I shared, He opened more doors to women that struggled with the same. My courage, gave them courage. In the moments in my life where I didn't want to take the risk I became very self centered and asked things like "Well what have they done for me?" Friends this isn't supposed to be so...Jesus came to serve, not be served. He laid down His life for us. and so, though making friends can be hard....I would much rather take the risk of having to deal with the hard parts of relationships sometimes, than to be alone and miss out on the blessings God has for me through these new friends.
For as I look back, I've gotten through some pretty tough stuff with some pretty amazing friends....fights, boys (and fights over boys :), hurt feelings, harsh words, long distance moves...heck one even delivered my baby on accident! Some of those relationships have stood strong through some of the rockiest times, and it was pressing through those jagged, sharp rocks that made us stronger. I am so incredibly grateful that we chose to press on.
So to my new friends...whoever you are, thank you in advance for loving me for me. Thank you for speaking truth into my life, for being a shoulder to cry on when my heartaches, and just choosing to do life with me in this moment even if my life looks different than yours.
And to my old friends....what an incredible blessing it has been to do life thus far with you! God has truly blessed me by each of you!
Blessings,
