Photo credit: http://mybabyr0c.blogspot.com/2011/07/independence-day.html
I have a confession to make.
I had no idea I was doing this to myself, but I'm realizing now that I did. Am. Still am. But I am learning. I know better now. And I am fighting the lie.
The lie that laces itself into my heart and pushes guilt on me to the depths of my soul.
The lie that I am a bad mom.
A bad mom for what? For working outside of my home. Where in the world did that lie come from? Of course I am not a bad mom for working outside of the home, but still the lie dripping with guilt and shame hangs over my head like a dark storm cloud.
The lie seeded itself in me along time ago. Before I ever even had children. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. My husband and I were trying hard to get me there. We wanted to have all our finances lined up before we had children so that we could guarantee my stay at home mom status.
The first lies came just in conversation with other women. "Why have children if you are going to let someone else raise them" one women said. Another expressed her feelings on how she thought moms who chose to work were really just being selfish because if they tried hard enough they could find a way to stay home. At the time I agreed. Then I became a mom.
Then came my reality. Pregnant with our first child. No way were we going to be able to afford me staying home full time. We tried. We really did. We cut back on as much as we could. We still discuss regularly even now how to tighten our budget as we can. Some people gave me advice on what to cut back on, whether I asked for it or not, it came. My heart ached as I started to hear more blows to my self esteem as we were admitting defeat in that I could not stay home full time.
I really never came to true contentment in my current circumstance but instead looked at my current circumstance as something to continue to strive to change, fix, temporary. A mindset that plagued me with one of discontent. One I found myself too often responding to other moms questions of do you work or stay home with "I work part time now but we are working hard for me to stay home full time."
And now as I sit here and type, I see how in my mind I've been discontent this whole time. Discontent that God would "punish" me with something other than staying home. I've guilted myself with the lies that came out of all those conversations into feeling like the ultimate act of godliness is staying at home with your children.
Can I be honest? That's one of the biggest lies I've ever heard! Can I just for a moment encourage the hearts of those other moms who work outside the home. Did you know that what you do is so valuable? Did you know that your choice to work outside of your home because you and your husband have decided that is what is best for your family right now is a decision that I applaud you for? Of course I pray that you choose this out of what you feel God telling you is best for your family right now and not just out of selfishness, but I strongly belief that that can happen in stay at home mom situations and working mom situations. What if the SAHM nagged and nagged until she got her husband to give in? Does that make her more godly? What if the working mom knew she could stay home more and felt God telling her to let go and trust Him but she refused to do it? Is that noble and admirable?
It's not easy this mom guilt. By all means I still long to be home, but I am realizing today, as I am faced with going back to work full time in the near future, that I have no idea when this season will be over. God didn't promise that He would bring me home. I promised myself that. I have to choose to be content whether I am working full time, working part time, or staying at home. My husband and I both pray that I will be home closer to full time sooner rather than later but the sooner...could be another 2 years, and what kind of life am I living if I long for this season to just be over? Am I truly living fully? Am I truly living purposefully?
We have a decision to make. Abigail's birthday is just 2 weeks away, and that marks the 2 year anniversary of us deciding for me to go part time at my job.
I wouldn't trade the last 2 years for the world, but I will confess...it's been 2 of the hardest, yet also must joyful years of my life.
In 2 years I've learned....
- How much more joy I would have when I became a mother
- How much sacrifice motherhood requires
- How to eat as frugally as possible
- That my closet really doesn't need new clothes
- That I was stupid for ever buying full priced clothes instead of shopping clearance racks
- That I was judgmental of so many for their decisions and now I am being faced of having to make the very same decisions.
- That it's ok to be honest with God about how things make me feel, but also that He will truly do what is best for us whether I agree with it or not.
- He is teaching me to be content in all circumstances...this one included.
and so many more....
But a decision still has to be made....we need to pray, to press into God. Do I need to go back to work full time for a season no matter how long the season maybe? My heart fears the length of the season, but also knows if I truly want to trust God no matter what, to be content even in this, that He may just be asking me to release that last finger that I have used to grip so tightly onto what I can and yet he says:
"Bridget, let go of control, and just trust me. Trust me that I will take care of you. Trust me that I will not abandon you. Trust that I will take care of Abigail whether she is at school or in your care. Trust me that I KNOW you are a good mom....working or not....you are valuable to me."
God has been gracious. So gracious in surrounding me recently with other full time working moms or at least with moms who for a season had to work full time at one point in motherhood and these women have blessed me so. They have encouraged and marked the lie of guilt that I keep hearing for what it really is....because the TRUTH is....I am a good mom.
Often times I think I need to overly explain to the rest of the world what I am doing with my minimal time at home so that they won't judge me and assume I am a bad mom. So I shout it out...hoping they will hear and know what my heart is screaming inside:
"I'm really not a bad mom. I'm doing the best I can. I wish I were home, but I can't be right now. Please don't assume things about me that aren't true. Just love me and encourage me to follow hard on what we feel is best to do for our family right now and most of all....keep pointing me to Jesus."
I don't need to declare to the world all the things I do in order to make my life work.
I don't need to prove myself to anyone.
I don't need to please anyone else.
What I really need is Jesus. I need His strength to carry me each day that I may be as intentional and purposeful as I can be with whatever He asks of me that day.
There is freedom from the lie of guilt friend? Will you join me?
I pray for God's will in my home, and yours. That we would always follow hard after Him in whatever He asks of us!
If you have struggled with guilt or judgement about anything with in motherhood would you share? Or if you don't feel open to sharing publicly would you email me at fullheartfullhome@gmail.com I would love to pray for you!
Blessings,
