Having a rough day today....mostly about my body changes. It hasn't bugged me up until this point and it's not really the way my body looks that bugs me, but the number on the scale that scares me. I know I know...I really need to get on here more often to report the good and the bad, but it's hard to have motivation to get on here and writing is one way I express myself. I've tried to shake it off all day, and I just can't and when that happens...writing helps a lot!
As I hit the 4th week of my 2nd trimester I can't help but notice the number on the scale going up more rapidly....I want to hit the scale. Tell it to stop, but it's higher than last week. It's inevitable now. I evaluate the food I eat, but know that I am still nauseous and still have to eat lots of carbs in order to prevent the nausea. Veggies are starting to sound somewhat normal again, but it's just rough. Probably rough because we ordered pizza at work yesterday and I have now had pizza two days in a row. That in and of itself makes me feel like a fatty, but I have to remember....of course I will indulge sometimes, it's indulging all the time and over eating that will get me into trouble. So it's been a bad couple of days! It's ok. Breath Bridget.....you...will...be...fine. I exercise. I try to eat well most of the time (or at least what I can stomach at the time). If I gain a few extra pounds oh well! God change my heart to not be so hard on myself. Who am I disappointing if I gain a few pounds anyway? No one. Just the expectation I set for myself to look good in front of others....who cares anymore! This isn't jr high.
I read part of a chapter in psalms this morning and a few verses struck me:
All from Psalm 18
vs 6 "...he heard my voice"
vs16-17a "He reached down from on high and took hold of me, he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy."
vs 19b "...he rescued me, because he delighted in me"
(that one just took my breath away...He delights in me!)
vs 32 "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect
vs 34a "He trains my hands for battle"
vs 35a "You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me"
Thank you God for knowing exactly what I need. Lord may my pregnancy be something I give to you. To honor you with it. Glorify you in it. Love you more through it. Thank you for life. Thank you for my health- to be able to carry a healthy baby and be blessed with no worries. Thank you for energy and a somewhat normal appetite that is returning....to be able to still be active and exercising in pregnancy is such a blessing! Lord teach me to trust that you really do delight in me. That you created me as a perfect me...exactly who you wanted me to be. Whether that means I gain a pound or two more in pregnancy then the textbook says, if I get an extra stretch mark, if nothing changes with our jobs for me to stay home...whatever it is Lord, are you not still God? Are you not still above all of it? Creator of the universe?
Forgive me for questioning your sovereignty. Forgive me for critiquing the beautiful masterpiece of your creation that you created to be me. It's an insult to you to tear down such a thing that you intended to be so wonderful. Thank you for delighting in me!
