Full Heart.....Full Home: joy

My heart felt heavy that night. Anger almost and I wasn't quite sure where it was coming from until I finally sat down to spend sometime with my Savior. The one thing I should have done first, I chose last, and then the tears came.

You see I have been reading this amazing book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Within the book she tells of her life changing journey as she allowed God to change her heart to look at even the worst of things as gifts from God and finding joy even in the hardest of times. It's changed my perspective. It's challenged me and though I don't know what God will do through my own list, I started my own list of "1000 Gifts" a few weeks ago. Whether it ever amounts to 1000 or far exceeds the number, I don't know yet, but I do know that I am learning. Finding joy. Trusting God...even in the hardest moments is a choice. One I don't have the strength to do on my own. I fight. I fight hard. And when I am out of breath and beaten down I try to rise up again and fight again. Fighting Hiim for control. Fighting him to let me have my way, but He doesn't. He won't. He knows me. He knows what I need, and yet I still question Him.

That night I crawled to the foot of His throne empty. Nothing to offer. Desperately needing my cup filled by the only one who can fill it, and as I finished my time spent with Him I was in desperate need of feeling the fullness of joy. So I again turned to my gift list. I wrote....

#11. For two year old belly laughs

#20. For a husband who cares about my heart.

#22. Afternoon tea parties

#25. For "I love you mamas"

and I wrote....

#34. Marrying Dave

#43. Blanket forts

#44. God's grace.

#47. For late night bedtime snuggles

#48. Friday family movie nights

#57. Puddle jumping

#59. Blowing bubbles in the bathtub

and I wrote some more.....until I felt the corners of my mouth turn upwards. I wrote until I felt the smile grow bigger. I wrote until my insides warmed. I wrote until the hardness went away, and at the end of my writing was peace. Joy. Heartfelt gratitude. An attitude of thanks.

For finding true joy is only found in Him and the journey to getting there is making a choice. A choice to choose joy in Him again and again and again until you too feel the corners of your own mouth turning upwards. Until your own hardened heart warms and it is in that moment that you too will find that your own cup overflows when you choose Him.