So it's been awhile since I posted. Lots has happened in a few short weeks. My belly does not yet look pregnant to the outside world but to me I can see it's slightly swollen state. The nausea set in about week 6. Tolerable at first and then this past week has been somewhat of a bear to deal with. Fatigue, nausea, vomiting...I'm feeling much better today and more like myself. My hubby and I took the week off from work as a sort of stay-cation. Dave's dad has been in kidney failure for quite sometime, and finally got to the point where he was either going to have to have a kidney transplant or go on dialysis. Miraculously, Dave's mom was a perfect match. So the transplant took place this week. We have been making almost daily trips over to a hospital about 45 minutes from here. So rest this week....eh not so much. Not to paint a sad picture but honestly there are pieces of me that wishes I wouldn't have used my vacation days knowing all too well that vacations may not exist for a long time for us. Knowing that ever since we bought the house we've poured so much heart and soul into home improvement projects, that affording vacations took the back burner, and yes I know I am whining, but darnit....I might not be able to have time with the hubby alone for along time!
The reality of having a baby is setting in and I'm not mad, but I'm allowing myself to have a temper tantrum for just a few moments. It feels good to actually let it out! I think I've been holding it in for awhile now.
Dave and I both have been looking at different job possibilities. My heart has always wanted to stay home when we start our family, but it also scares me to death. Questions like "Am I selfish?," or "what if we cannot afford it?," or "what if God doesn't want that for me?" plaque my mind. I was a little disappointed when I received an email from a place that I thought might be a huge answer to prayer. The position was to oversee marketing for a local women's ministry. Something that my heart has felt drawn to for a long time, but I never really knew how to get out of the veterinary world and into something I was passionate about. I saw the position posted online and just felt like God said "hey you never know unless you apply for it." So I did. I know I am capable of doing it, even though its different then what I have done before. The email I received was odd though....they told me they were just finishing up their first round of interviews and if they did not find an eligible candidate would include me in their second round of interviews. Now does that even make sense? To me the door seems closed, but at the same time they may interview those candidates and feel like none of them is what they are looking for. I have to trust God and know what he is doing in all of this. To know that even if someone else gets that position he is still sovereign. He still has his best waiting for me whatever that is. The reason the position is so great is that most of the work can be done from home. To know that I could still make some income, and be working in ministry...what a blessing that would be! I cannot get my hopes up though and just have to trust God's purpose in all of this.
I'm praying hard for Dave to get a position at 1 of 2 nearby universities. The benefits at either are amazing and pay would be much higher than his current. He took an exam yesterday at one, and looks like his competition is pretty slim. So here's hoping for an interview! If he got the position yes I would be able to afford to stay home with a little extra, but the lack of extra is what is scary....no longer would we have lots of extra every month to save etc. It's been so long since I've had to even consider living from paycheck to paycheck and the thought scares me! I pray that God will change my heart to know and trust that wherever he leads us is his perfect plan.
The other day I was reading through Exodus and came to the story about the manna when the Israelites didn't have any food and God provided bread for them. His specific instructions were to take only what they needed for that day. Reading this story just gave me a glimpse into knowing that sometimes that is exactly how God works. In the day by day....not looking forward to 3 months from now or even 3 years from now, but to trust him today. After all he did ask us to let go and trust him with our family and that he would provide right? Right. His plans are so much better than mine. I should know that by now! It's so scary but I must say the last few months have been some of our best yet and I have God to thank for that!
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