A changed heart, and new beginnings

Who knows what might become of my blog in the future. It may just continue to be my random mumbles of what is going on in my brain, or maybe someday it will touch someones life, but for now I just feel compelled to write when I feel like I want to do so. I was thinking about it tonight a lot. How I do enjoy writing. Enjoy reaching people in someway, shape, or form. To change their life just a little bit because God allowed me to do so....always desiring for it to change someone for the better. Never to harm or hurt. Why did I think about this blog a lot tonight? I began to wonder if the words I say really could change someone's heart. Could meet a need someone might have, or touch them to their very depths. I write this because I have an ongoing struggle that stares me in the face daily. One that started with a sickening obsession with the number on a bathroom scale. One that stares back at me daily from a bathroom mirror. It's changed my heart forever and I wish I wouldn't have ever started to go down the path of it, but still I praise God for my heart that's been forever changed. Changed first for the worst, and now a continuing fight to tightly hold onto my grasp of the best. It's a fight that's led me to know what calories are contained in everything. To nit pick at myself whenever I indulge a little bit. A fight that nags at me to never just enjoy life. Instead I hear that voice...the voice that says life will be horrible if you are fat or even a little overweight. The voice I fight to run from when my body aches and longs to stay in bed in the morning and avoid a morning workout. I'm learning....learning how much God truly loves me. Learning that my husband fell in love with me at 20+ pounds ago...so why would he love me any less if I gained a pound or two? Psalm 139 has brought continual reassurance to my broken heart as God has tried to free me of this burden...

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, ^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to ^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I am reminded of all this tonight why? Because I found out a week ago I am pregnant! I am so excited about this new journey in our lives! Ecstatic really, but its already hard. To already be feeling my changing body. To start to worry it won't ever go back. To look at the bikini I bought the week before with tags still on it...wondering if I should take it back? Will I ever be able to wear it? If I keep it how cruel would it be to force myself to be able to fit perfectly into it next summer...awful thoughts. I eat weird things now which make me worried because of some of my lack of control that I will gain more than I should. It's all lies God! Please just take it away. Give me the strength to eat healthy and take care of myself and our baby.

To my little one:

My dear sweet baby,

Oh how long my heart has longed for you! My eyes welled with tears the moment I knew we would soon be expecting you! Your daddy was shocked! Knew it was possible, but very surprised that you would be coming so soon! God's timing is so perfect though. The moment we felt his peace to just trust in Him and His timing, and we finally let go....He knew right where He wanted you. He always has! I pray for you so often. That you would grow healthy and strong. That God would protect you and give you all that you need. May he bless both of us as I carry you...that my heart would be forever changed to love others more than myself and finally put my struggles of selfishness and pride to rest. To love you like Christ loves His church. Your daddy and I are so blessed! We already love you so much!

Love always,

Mommy