Toddler Discipline

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Around 18-20 months of age we started experimenting with discipline with Abbie.  Some may say this is a little young, other moms are out there nodding their heads in approval.  So agree or disagree...this is the time we felt we needed to start.

I have to admit though many of my friends would look at my parenting style and say I've been pretty regimented about most things (and I have...for the most part) however, discipline really scared me.  I love my parents dearly, but I knew my parenting style was much different then theirs.  Disciplining my own child scared me because spanking was done out of anger in my home growing up, and we never talked about things afterwards.  I didn't want this for my own family nor did Dave.  To be honest as we started experimenting with discipline for Abbie I held back a lot in fear.  Under disciplined....which can be just as bad as over discipline.  Dave was very black and white on the issue and over the last few months has helped me to change my perspective to not taking Abbie's offenses personally, but instead choosing a disciplinary action for what the misbehavior was at face value and not attaching my mom guilt and emotion to it.

In the beginning we tried timeouts on our lap.  She was too little to understand that a timeout meant she needed to sit in one spot for a few minutes so I held her in a timeout on my lap.  Firm arms, forced lap sits.  She hated it.  She grew used to it really quickly though, and then it no longer phased her.  She would be put in a lapsit timeout for misbehaving and come sit in my lap and say "I'm sorry mama" in order to be allowed to get up quickly, and I could tell...no lesson was being learned.  We tried spankings....a quick, light swat to the bottom/thigh  and we would talk about what happened, how we could make wise choices next time, say I'm sorry and give lots of hugs and kisses.  This worked....for a little while but not long.  Finally, I told Dave that I didn't mind spankings.  I wasn't doing them in anger and I wasn't giving them hard but I just felt that for as often as a toddler misbehaves I can't just give her a spanking for every single thing she does.  There is a time and a place but I felt like spankings should be reserved for larger problems and bigger issues, not just a child who didn't pick up their toys when they were told to.  So I stopped spanking, and instead we went to time outs.

We expect immediate obedience in our home....again something that some people may think is harsh, but for Dave and I, we are huge fans of this method.  We absolutely refuse to count to 3.  We refuse to count to 2 and 3/4.  There aren't going to be 10 times of 5 more minutes....if we ask you to do something and you don't obey the first time there will be consequences, and you know what.  Kids learn fast!  Even a  young 2 year old is capable of learning expectations.  They really are much smarter than we give them credit for!  In the beginning I struggled with this.  When we started this concept at a young age I knew I needed to have lower expectations so I would give a long pause after stating an action I was requiring Abbie to take in order to give her a chance to respond.  If after the long pause had passed and no action on her part had occurred then I would step in.  Overtime the pause got shorter and now at 26 months old....the pause I now get from Abbie is intentional.  It's her way of testing her mama pause....she doesn't say it but I can hear her thinking it "How much longer can I do the thing I want to do by pretending like I didn't hear mom?"  They are sneaky!  They are so much smarter at 2 years old and even 8 months old then I would have ever given them credit for!  So with that in mind...the pause I give her to respond hardly exists now.  She knows.  She really knows, and when she doesn't listen she goes in a timeout.  No counting no yelling from us as parents.  We tell her that she is getting a time out for choosing not to listen and place her into the timeout.  Another example could be the toy that she failed to pick up will get put up for a period of time (I haven't used this one yet but I foresee it in the near future :)  Like I said we expect immediate obedience.

Now to those who think this way sounds harsh.  I understand your concern.  I really do, but I think there are ways to do all types of parenting wrong and right.

First of all it is and always has been Dave and I's goal and focus in our parenting from the day we brought Abbie home from the hospital to raise an independent God fearing woman.  To remind ourselves in our own moments of weakness when we want to hover, coddle, over parent that someday we will need to allow her to stand on her own two feet and send her out into the world just her and God, and for us that started on Day 1.

Second, just because we expect obedience doesn't mean we are constantly barking orders at our child.  We have lots of fun with Abbie!  We play toys with her, takes lots of walks, go to the playground and play on the equipment with her, sit outside on the patio and play dolls, tea party, sidewalk chalk, color, cook and bake, sing songs, play games, read, etc.  She loves spending time with us, and we with her.  I have no doubt in my mind that she is a well adjusted, smart, and well attached child to both of us.  We have a good balanced relationship with her which means we aren't always barking orders at her- sometimes we are just having fun, running around the house playing tag.  This helps build our relationship with her and increases our bonding with her, and the pill is not as hard to swallow for the kid who is given a task by his parents to do who spent plenty of quality time with them earlier in the day.  The kid who feels rejected and unloved with parents who don't spend much quality time with him may act out and be more disobedient just because he wants his parents attention....yelling is attention albeit negative attention, but still attention for the child who doesn't get much quality time and affection from his parents.

Third,  we aren't always right.  Months ago I had to apologize to Abbie for the first time, which has become the first time of more times, and I have no doubt in my mind that I will have to do this often for the rest of my life.  Why?  Because I am human.  I sin.  I lose my temper.  I'm not perfect, and I do need to be responsible for my own actions.  She needs to hear me say I am sorry just like I expect of her to say I am sorry when she doesn't listen and obey.  She needs to see me at my strongest and my weakest to know that it's ok to not be perfect.

So if toddler discipline isn't going so well in your house and you feel exasperated on a daily basis, give it a try.  Expect obedience the first time and follow through.  That is one of the most important parts...follow through on the consequences you have named for them....and don't forget the most important part....why do we discipline, teach, and guide our children in the first place?

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Hebrews 12:11

We discipline because we love them.  Just like God disciplines because He loves us...

"...do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son."

Hebrews 12:6

God's grown me in more ways than I could ever count since becoming a mom.  Parenting is hard stuff.  At times the antics of our children leave us stifling our laughter and turning our backs to hide our smiles...other times we are brought to our knees in tears at the hardness that parenting is.  Even still I count this as a blessing because each tear brings me one step closer to changing my heart to look like His.

Join me next week as I discuss the anatomy of a timeout, and share some parenting resources that I've found helpful!

Blessings,

DIY Homemade Grout Cleaner

I should have done it sooner.  Really I should have.  What?  Cleaned the grout on my tile floors!  To be honest, being a first time home owner in the last 4 years, and growing up in a home with no tile floors....I just mopped them on a regular basis to keep them clean and thought we were good to go.  It wasn't like anyone walked into my house and gasped in disgust that my grout wasn't as white as white out.  When our Realtor first came into our home to evaluate he was pretty pleased with how show ready our home already was.  He mentioned a few things while there that if we start to have trouble selling that we could change, but for now he thought it showed really nicely.  One of those "things" that he mentioned was that he knew a guy who would clean the grout on our tile floor and it would look brand new.  To be honest...that was the first time it ever occurred to me to clean the grout.  

Gasp?!  You...Bridget?!  Not know that??  Well that's what I feel like ya'll are thinking right now, but give me a moment....ok I am over it.  Judge me or not....I really didn't know! 

Last week after having 15-20 showings, 1 second showing, and no offers since we put our home on the market....we decided we must be priced too high for the market so we dropped the price on our house and offered a carpet allowance to the new buyer to basically replace the carpet for free in whatever color and style they choose.  

This of course sent us both into freak out mode with thoughts of changing a million things with the million dollars we don't have in order to get our home to sell.  I settled on doing the one thing I could do by spending 0 dollars....cleaning the grout :)  

And let me tell you....if you are a newbie to grout cleaning like I, it is potentially the most gratifying household chore I have ever done.  My floors looked so pretty!  I was like a little girl staring at herself in a princess costume in front of a mirror....I kept running to the other room to ask Dave to come look at how awesome the floors looked :) 

Here is a picture of my kitchen floor

BEFORE

Here is a picture of the kitchen floor half way through...

And wow!  I was absolutely amazed at the difference it made!

AFTER

Impressed?  I sure was!  

Here is the recipe I used:

Homemade Grout Cleaner

Ingredients:

3/4 cup baking soda

1/4 cup bleach

Old toothbrush

1.  Mix baking soda and bleach together.  I ended up adding more bleach to this recipe to make it a thinner gruel consistency. 

2.  Using an old toothbrush spread the mixture onto your grout in a hidden corner of your tile floor (I scrubbed back and forth about 10 times to get the grout to appear white and new).  Let sit after scrubbing for 5-10 minutes before rinsing.

3.  Rinse well with warm water and old rag.  Make sure this isn't discoloring your floor before proceeding on.  

4.  Once you are sure there is no discoloration proceed on to the rest of the grout.  I ended up doing about 4-6 tiles at a time so that I could let the grout sit for 5-10 minutes on each one and then I would go back and rinse the 4-6 tiles before starting a new section.  This worked well and kept the process moving.  

6.  Stand back in awe and admire your handiwork!  

*My whole kitchen floor took about 2 hours (our kitchen measures 11 x 15).

*Depending on the size of your floor you may need to mix up more solution.

What are some of your favorite homemade cleaning recipes?  Come share your thoughts today on Full Heart Full Home's Facebook page.  Over the years I've found most of them do a fantastic job and I prefer most homemade cleaners to commercial cleaners.

Blessings,

Somehow I Missed It....

Somehow I missed it.  Somewhere in between another pair of underwear left on the floor, shoes left out of their place another time, and my own efforts going under appreciated as I washed another load of laundry...I missed it.  

Years ago I skimmed through a book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.   It really is a great book!  It talks about how as humans we have different personality types that desire different things.  The 5 love languages are:  Physical Touch (those who love hugs, kisses, hand holding, etc), Acts of Service (those who best feel loved when others help them do things- around the house, etc), Words of Affirmation (those who feel loved when someone tells them so or verbally affirms their efforts in doing something), Quality Time (those who feel loved when another spends time with them one on one), and Gifts (those who feel loved when others give them things- doesn't have to be expensive could be a flower picked in a garden, etc).  

That is just a very basic summary but you get the idea.  Well I am a mixture of a person who needs words of affirmation and quality time to feel loved, and Dave is a person who needs physical touch and acts of service to feel loved.  Have I lost you yet?  I hope not but if so this basically means that I feel closest and most loved by Dave when he takes time to sit down and chat with me uninterrupted and also notices things I do and verbalizes his appreciation of them.  For Dave's love languages he likes being kissed, hugged, etc, and likes it when I do things for him like picking up his dry cleaning or running an errand for him or doing something on his to do list for him.  

The goal in this book is to help us open our eyes up to other people's personalities in the relationships we are you in.  I have also found this helpful in my relationship with my parents, and my friends.  Say our spouse is a words of affirmation person, even though this might not be our own love language, we now know that affirming words from us to them will best show them we love them.

Tonight it all made a little bit more sense, and I really am not quite sure how I missed it.  Dave is a man of few words and he is very introverted.   Me?  Well have you ever talked to me?  If you know me you know I can talk circles around most people.  So this makes for an interesting marriage some days....I could babble for hours and really, Dave just wants quiet.  It's a hard balance.  Something we have to work hard at.  Something I can't take personally when he just can't handle talking anymore.  

This weekend I watched my man work his tail off.  Our house has been on the market for 6 weeks.  Lots of showings.  No offers.  We lowered the price this week and are praying that this will do the trick to get us an offer.  Dave has now been working at his new job in Chicago since May 23rd.  He lives with family during the week in the suburbs while I hold down the fort at home, continuing to work, showing the house, and being a mom.  This weekend he kicked it into high gear.  I stood back and watched.  So often I use my words in a controlling way.  I felt recently like God said (in a nice God-like way)..."Just shut your mouth."  I tell my husband how to do things, what to do, and when do them....so much He never gets a chance to learn on his own, and grow from it...cause I control it.  God said "Shut your mouth."  So I have been trying to.  As I watched him work this weekend my heart was sad....Me?  I just wanted to spend time with him since we don't get to see him during the week at all right now.  I wanted to just sit and have a conversation with him, but instead I watched.  Talked to him while he worked as he was able and just let him be.  He fixed things.  Painted things.  Improved things.  Rearranged things.  Decluttered things.  All in an effort to get our house sold.  He used his gift....acts of service....and tonight as I was cleaning up the last of the weekends messes to get ready for another work week it hit me like a ton of bricks.  This whole time, in all our almost 7 years of marriage I missed it.  He wants to get my love language he really does, but when he serves me in some random act of service, he is speaking love to me the loudest way he knows how.

All those nights I got home from work after 6 and he had dinner in the making or ready and waiting....

In the beginning of our marriage when he worked a full time job and a part time job just to help provide us a better future....

The nights he came home from his full time job and would head to the library for hours to study while he was also in school full time....to serve me and Abigail so he could help provide better for us....

Applying to hundreds of jobs and not giving up even after many many many rejections....

Driving home from Chicago 3 hours every weekend in rush hour only to be home and work on house projects all weekend to sell our home and why?  Because he loves us....he doesn't want us here away from him any longer than we have to be, and though it's hard for him to say that out loud because he is a man of few words, tonight, when I finally shut my mouth and watched him work feverishly, I got it.  He is saying "I love you" to me in the loudest way he knows how.


What do you like to do to show your hubby that you love him?  Come link in your thoughts with us on facebook!

Blessings,