Toddler Discipline

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Around 18-20 months of age we started experimenting with discipline with Abbie.  Some may say this is a little young, other moms are out there nodding their heads in approval.  So agree or disagree...this is the time we felt we needed to start.

I have to admit though many of my friends would look at my parenting style and say I've been pretty regimented about most things (and I have...for the most part) however, discipline really scared me.  I love my parents dearly, but I knew my parenting style was much different then theirs.  Disciplining my own child scared me because spanking was done out of anger in my home growing up, and we never talked about things afterwards.  I didn't want this for my own family nor did Dave.  To be honest as we started experimenting with discipline for Abbie I held back a lot in fear.  Under disciplined....which can be just as bad as over discipline.  Dave was very black and white on the issue and over the last few months has helped me to change my perspective to not taking Abbie's offenses personally, but instead choosing a disciplinary action for what the misbehavior was at face value and not attaching my mom guilt and emotion to it.

In the beginning we tried timeouts on our lap.  She was too little to understand that a timeout meant she needed to sit in one spot for a few minutes so I held her in a timeout on my lap.  Firm arms, forced lap sits.  She hated it.  She grew used to it really quickly though, and then it no longer phased her.  She would be put in a lapsit timeout for misbehaving and come sit in my lap and say "I'm sorry mama" in order to be allowed to get up quickly, and I could tell...no lesson was being learned.  We tried spankings....a quick, light swat to the bottom/thigh  and we would talk about what happened, how we could make wise choices next time, say I'm sorry and give lots of hugs and kisses.  This worked....for a little while but not long.  Finally, I told Dave that I didn't mind spankings.  I wasn't doing them in anger and I wasn't giving them hard but I just felt that for as often as a toddler misbehaves I can't just give her a spanking for every single thing she does.  There is a time and a place but I felt like spankings should be reserved for larger problems and bigger issues, not just a child who didn't pick up their toys when they were told to.  So I stopped spanking, and instead we went to time outs.

We expect immediate obedience in our home....again something that some people may think is harsh, but for Dave and I, we are huge fans of this method.  We absolutely refuse to count to 3.  We refuse to count to 2 and 3/4.  There aren't going to be 10 times of 5 more minutes....if we ask you to do something and you don't obey the first time there will be consequences, and you know what.  Kids learn fast!  Even a  young 2 year old is capable of learning expectations.  They really are much smarter than we give them credit for!  In the beginning I struggled with this.  When we started this concept at a young age I knew I needed to have lower expectations so I would give a long pause after stating an action I was requiring Abbie to take in order to give her a chance to respond.  If after the long pause had passed and no action on her part had occurred then I would step in.  Overtime the pause got shorter and now at 26 months old....the pause I now get from Abbie is intentional.  It's her way of testing her mama pause....she doesn't say it but I can hear her thinking it "How much longer can I do the thing I want to do by pretending like I didn't hear mom?"  They are sneaky!  They are so much smarter at 2 years old and even 8 months old then I would have ever given them credit for!  So with that in mind...the pause I give her to respond hardly exists now.  She knows.  She really knows, and when she doesn't listen she goes in a timeout.  No counting no yelling from us as parents.  We tell her that she is getting a time out for choosing not to listen and place her into the timeout.  Another example could be the toy that she failed to pick up will get put up for a period of time (I haven't used this one yet but I foresee it in the near future :)  Like I said we expect immediate obedience.

Now to those who think this way sounds harsh.  I understand your concern.  I really do, but I think there are ways to do all types of parenting wrong and right.

First of all it is and always has been Dave and I's goal and focus in our parenting from the day we brought Abbie home from the hospital to raise an independent God fearing woman.  To remind ourselves in our own moments of weakness when we want to hover, coddle, over parent that someday we will need to allow her to stand on her own two feet and send her out into the world just her and God, and for us that started on Day 1.

Second, just because we expect obedience doesn't mean we are constantly barking orders at our child.  We have lots of fun with Abbie!  We play toys with her, takes lots of walks, go to the playground and play on the equipment with her, sit outside on the patio and play dolls, tea party, sidewalk chalk, color, cook and bake, sing songs, play games, read, etc.  She loves spending time with us, and we with her.  I have no doubt in my mind that she is a well adjusted, smart, and well attached child to both of us.  We have a good balanced relationship with her which means we aren't always barking orders at her- sometimes we are just having fun, running around the house playing tag.  This helps build our relationship with her and increases our bonding with her, and the pill is not as hard to swallow for the kid who is given a task by his parents to do who spent plenty of quality time with them earlier in the day.  The kid who feels rejected and unloved with parents who don't spend much quality time with him may act out and be more disobedient just because he wants his parents attention....yelling is attention albeit negative attention, but still attention for the child who doesn't get much quality time and affection from his parents.

Third,  we aren't always right.  Months ago I had to apologize to Abbie for the first time, which has become the first time of more times, and I have no doubt in my mind that I will have to do this often for the rest of my life.  Why?  Because I am human.  I sin.  I lose my temper.  I'm not perfect, and I do need to be responsible for my own actions.  She needs to hear me say I am sorry just like I expect of her to say I am sorry when she doesn't listen and obey.  She needs to see me at my strongest and my weakest to know that it's ok to not be perfect.

So if toddler discipline isn't going so well in your house and you feel exasperated on a daily basis, give it a try.  Expect obedience the first time and follow through.  That is one of the most important parts...follow through on the consequences you have named for them....and don't forget the most important part....why do we discipline, teach, and guide our children in the first place?

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Hebrews 12:11

We discipline because we love them.  Just like God disciplines because He loves us...

"...do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son."

Hebrews 12:6

God's grown me in more ways than I could ever count since becoming a mom.  Parenting is hard stuff.  At times the antics of our children leave us stifling our laughter and turning our backs to hide our smiles...other times we are brought to our knees in tears at the hardness that parenting is.  Even still I count this as a blessing because each tear brings me one step closer to changing my heart to look like His.

Join me next week as I discuss the anatomy of a timeout, and share some parenting resources that I've found helpful!

Blessings,