Anxious

It's back again.

That creeping, anxious feeling, that I wish for the life of me would just go away, but it doesn't.  

I grew up in a home where we were known for our tempers.  "There is that Henkel temper," was a common thing to hear.  So much that anger, and irritability became part of who I expected myself to be.  Being angry became acceptable somehow.  

For a long time as a young adult my anger was hardly existent.  It didn't rear it's ugly ahead again until shortly after Dave and I got married.  I'm not sure what he thought the first time I absolutely lost it on him.  I surprised myself I know.  I recall some of those first few marital spats, and now realize how something very wrong was going on even then, but I didn't realize it.  I remember being so angry and unable to control myself that I threw, no joke, a coffee table.  Not a cup, or a plate...a COFFEE TABLE!  Another time I remember being so upset at him, that I seriously almost threw a pot of boiling water at him, but somehow was able to rationalize in that moment that that was not ok, and instead went to the refrigerator and literally Hulk squeezed yogurt containers so hard that they exploded all over the kitchen.  It wasn't too long after that that I started correlating the intensity of my anger with the birth control I was on.  I had never been on birth control before I was married, and so almost as soon as I realized that, I went off of it, and didn't have anger issues for quite a long time.

A few years later we had our first baby, and 3 months postpartum I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism.  I seriously had no symptoms at the time.  I felt fine.  Was trying to lose a few pounds, and was a bit tired, but that defines pretty much every new mom 3 months postpartum.  I was placed on thyroid medication.  It took about 6 months to get me on a dose that was good for me, but after that I felt fine.  I had normal new mom anxiety, but nothing significant.  I was working 3 days a week at the clinic at the time, and enjoyed my days off with Abbie.  We did lots of things-  went on walks, to the Discovery museum, library, and visited parks.  I remember being in somewhat of a health kick back then so I made a lot of meals from scratch, blogged regularly, even dabbled in photography.  We were active in our church, and busy, but I never recall feeling overwhelmed.  I loved my new role as a mom, and enjoyed it immensely.

When Abbie as about 2 1/2 we found out we were expecting Baby #2.  This was planned so we weren't surprised.  We were in the middle of moving to Chicago at the time so we had some major life transitions, but the timing was good for us. That pregnancy though was probably one of the hardest things I have ever been through.  There were days that I could barely move I was so sick.  Days where a 2 year old Abbie rubbed my back while I vomited in the toilet.  She took care of me, even though I wish I could have taken better care of her.  I slept a lot.  She watched a lot of cartoons.  Most days I couldn't do more than just "be."  I remember feeling overwhelmed some during that pregnancy.  I was working at Hearts at Home, and still working some doing Veterinary Technician work on the side.  Then along came Alex.  He was much fussier, and clingier than Abbie was, and it took me several months to really have feelings of love for him.  I struggled most days just feeling like I was barely making it. Surviving let alone even trying to think about thriving.  I wish I would have realized then what I realize now:  I should have gone on medication for postpartum anxiety.  

As he got a bit older things seemed to be more manageable so I felt "better."  Then we decided to sell our condo, move in with family, move cross country, and somewhere in that mess I helped deliver a few babies with my job as doula.  I was overwhelmed and anxious to say the least, but again...manageable.  I have always been a perfectionist, and a control freak.  I "take care of myself" for fear of being considered week or "not strong enough."  I should have gotten help.  I really should have.

Since having Alex I have seemed to have a downward spiral of health issues.  Right about the time we moved it became apparant to me that I was having some GI issues.  I was suspicious of gluten issues and potentially dairy.  I had no idea what was going on, but I knew I wasn't right.  I tried to get some answers before we moved, but moving only forced me to find new doctors, which led to lots of waiting, and more lab tests, and well you know that whole story if you have followed me for long.  It is what led me to lots of lab tests, a really restrictive diet, and a slew of supplements earlier this year.

It was shortly before I went to see my new doctor this past spring that I started to have some irrational anger again-  Lashing out at the kids and Dave.  Going from 0 to 60  about the stupidest things.  Heart racing, shallow breathing, out of body experience panic attacks.  It's so hard to explain a panic attack to someone who has never had one.  Dave was trying to use logic and reason to understand one day as I tried to explain to him, and I said "You can't logically try to understand a panic attack or a mental illness, it is the most illogical, thing you could ever imagine.  There is sometimes no rhyme or reason, no why, no when, it just BAM hits you, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.  You feel yourself doing it, but you can't control what you are doing.  You see yourself being this person that isn't you.  You don't even recognize yourself, but you can't do a darn thing to stop it."

The episode last spring finally led me to a counselor.  Upon which she assessed me for both anxiety and depression and I was close to off the charts for anxiety.  We waited to do anything more though until after my thyroid lab work was evaluated.  Sure enough that came back, and my thyroid wasn't converting my T3 hormone properly anymore.  I was placed on a new medication, new dose, and started to feel a night and day difference.  I was assessed for anxiety 6 weeks later, and barely registered on the anxiety spectrum that time.  I started my diet changes and supplements at the beginning of June, and got through the end of July before I started feeling "off" again.  I started to get more irritable than normal, angry about stupid things again, and so we reassessed again.  Checked my thyroid labs, and much to my dismay, my thyroid was worse.  What I had hoped that my diet changes, and supplements would start to heal, wasn't healing at all.  At that time we finally were able to get a hold of my adrenal tests, and that revealed that my levels were ridiculously backwards.  My doctor was surprised that I was even sleeping at all.  I started  a new medication for my thyroid, and some supplements to heal my adrenals, and hoped for the best, only now....here I am again.  2 months later, and the anger, crying, anxiety....it's all back.  Can I just say that I would give up even more foods than I have given up already if I could feel emotionally stable again?  To not have such high highs and low lows.

Here's the thing though....I've given up all foods that cause insulin spikes.  I don't eat sugar besides sugar in low glycemic fruits.  I don't drink caffeine.  There is nothing left in my diet that I could give up.

I called one of my closest friends yesterday who has struggled off and on with anxiety, and it just felt good for once to talk to someone who understands exactly how I feel.  To not get baffled looks or clueless glances in return when I describe how I feel, or to be treated like I'm crazy, but to get empathy, to know I am normal even though what I am feeling is not, to feel not alone.  As I talked with her I realized that what seemed like a night and day difference to me this past spring, still might not have been me being 100% again.   When I think of me feeling 100%, the last time was long before Alex ever came into the picture.  I remember enjoying being a mom when Abbie was little.  I remember the fun we had, the joy I had.  There was a lot going on in our lives, but I never felt overwhelmed and unable to cope like I frequently have in the last 3 years.  My friend told me that since going on anti-anxiety meds she finally enjoys her kids again.  That brought me to tears.  There are parts of motherhood that are so hard, that any mom, anxiety or not, just has to get through sometimes, but someone with anxiety sometimes can completely zone out of their day, and physically be there, but in reality be so far from present.  I can't even count the number of days this has happened, and that makes me mad.....this thing, this beast that I didn't choose, is robbing me of my motherhood.  Is stealing who I really am from my husband, and my kids.  And don't get me started on the spiritual attacks that happen on top of my anxiety.  Satan has a hay day with it.  It's probably lies from the enemy that have made me wait this long to admit I may need help.

 

One of the confusing parts of anxiety for me has been that I will have really good days, and I start to think "Oh I must be fine."  So you ignore it, and you keep ignoring it, because you think you can outsmart it.  You think you can be stronger than it, but you can't.  I don't have to be stronger than this. It hit me this past week, that I haven't really fully given this all up to God yet.  I've had false hope that my diet and supplements will heal me.  I keep thinking if I do XYZ then I will get better.  Maybe, but maybe not.     I need to trust in the provision of he ultimate healer, not try to maintain control so I can heal myself.  Last night on my way home a song came on the radio reminding me not to fear.  It was one of those God moments when I felt Him speaking directly to me through that song....He's got this!  All of it!  Whether I need to go on anti-anxiety medication or not, He is still God.  He is still in control, and He is still good!

This morning we had bible study, and I was leading our group.  I was having a rough morning though.  Every part of my being wanted to stay home today.  I didn't want anything to do with anyone today.  I just wanted to stay home, and sit in my PJs.  I went anyway though...I had to go, and I sat down in the back by myself, listened to worship, prayed, and just cried. I texted a few friends before bible study started asking for prayer, and was able to share about my struggle today during our prayer time.  Can I just say how healing that is?  To be vulnerable, and raw is so scary, yet the healing that comes from that is so worth the risk.  The "me toos" I get to hear when I am vulnerable, the encouragement, and the prayer warriors...all of those things help carry me through when I am just barely stumbling through my days.

My doctor did end up sending me in for lab work today to check my thyroid levels, and so right now I wait.  We will see what the results show.  Honestly I am at the point now where even if my medication dose needs adjustment, I would be happy to go on some anti-anxiety medication just to get me through this season.  So please pray.  For wisdom with the results, and next steps. For strength in the process, and for me to ultimately give up all control, and have hope in the one who truly heals.

 

Blessings,

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today was hard.  Really....really hard.  

I got a phone call yesterday from my doctor's office.  I recently had some blood work done because I was having some reoccurring symptoms that started up again even though they were much better after starting on my super strict elimination diet.  I have also been starting to get more moody and anxious again which is typically a sign to me that my thyroid dose is off  My doctor agreed, and so I had labs done last week.  I was hopeful that maybe my dose just needed to be adjusted (really hopeful that because I was improving so much maybe I was being overdosed...aka the diet, supplements etc are working!  That was best case scenario :)  

When my doctor called yesterday they said they had cancellations for today and she would prefer to talk with me in person since I was having multiple issues.  I told her I needed to find childcare, but I would call right back.  My friend Angela graciously took the kids for me so I could drive down to Philly today.  

Upon arrival I had my weight and blood pressure checked.  I've lost 15 pounds...in 2 months!  I don't own a working scale (my old eating disorder issues have led me to just not replace the batteries in it so I'm not tempted to walk that path again).  I checked my weight when I went back to visit family in IL so I was aware, but what did I really expect....I literally can only eat meat, vegetables, and fruit.  There really wasn't much choice I had in the matter, but to lose weight.  My doctor seemed surprised, but wasn't too concerned.  She confirmed that was a lot, and wanted to make sure I was ok with it.  I am.  I'm not at an unhealthy weight for my frame so that is good.  My blood pressure also was low.  It tends to be on the low end of normal, but never as low as it was today.  

Blood work wise my thyroid is off alright, but not in the right direction. I have to increase my dose...again.  Ugh!  I'm so frustrated.  I think mostly because my own hope and expectations were not in the right things.  Ultimately I have been trusting my ability to be disciplined and have self control to adhere to this diets restrictions, and in my head I thought "ok I do this, and I will be better."  In having those thoughts I forgot that this is a process, and that God is the ultimate healer.  He is in control, not me.

I also got my adrenal tests back....basically I have pretty severe adrenal fatigue.  My doctor was impressed that I actually can go to sleep.  She said according to my results, my levels were so high I shouldn't be sleeping at all.  It's really hard to adequately sleep when you work later into the evenings and you have a son named Alex who likes to still sporadically wake up and whine or if he is sick with the tiniest cold or God forbid teething.....it's like his whole world falls apart.  I cope, and do the best I can, and try and be as consistent of parent as possible while still taking care of me, but getting less sleep as a mom just comes with the territory.  She wants me to add more supplements for my adrenals.....more? I am already taking like 20.  Sigh....

I've gotta be honest....the month of June was awesome.  I've never felt better.  My GI symptoms were completely gone, my brain fog was markedly improved, I had more energy than I can remember having for a long time, and then in July things kinda waivered a bit.  I just can't for the life of me figure out which variable caused the changes that caused my GI issues to return.  I had more stress with travel and all, also a new supplement was started in that time frame, I was eating some more different but approved fruits for my diet so maybe that did it, but somewhere in the middle of that I lost my vision.  Fear started to creep in and replace faith, and hope that I had started to waiver.  I started doubting.  "What if I never get better?"  "What if there is something else going on?"  "What if I have to keep spending more money on more out of network tests, and more supplements...we can't do this for forever!"  I got to a point where I thought maybe I had this things called Small Intestinal Bacteria Overgrowth.  I had all the symptoms, and it's common for people like me to have it, but then I started getting anxious, googling, etc, and I never should have gone down that path.  I took my eyes off of God, and started focusing on fear, worrying, and how I can control this.

My doctor told me today that if my GI tract is still upset, than something I am eating is causing it.  I'm reacting to what...one of the 5 foods I am allowed to eat?!?  What in the world am I supposed to eat then?!  She mentioned that not rotating foods can cause it as well.  I was hopeful that maybe after 3 months (Labor Day) I would be able to start reintroducing things successfully, but I'm not sure that is going to happen now.  She recommended another out of pocket tests (around $350) that would test for food sensitives, give me diet recommendations etc.  The problem with this is it still only tests for 150 foods....that means there is still more guessing whether i press on with my current diet and a few restrictions or I spend more money.  I can't spend more money on tests.  Especially out of pocket ones so I'm praying I can figure this out without for now.

Upon leaving I learned that my doctor is going to be charging a $250 annual fee to help cover costs of care now.  So in addition to paying a copay I now have to do that.  I get it...I do.  Her care is way more in depth than any other doctor I have ever seen before, because of that she spends more time with each patient and overall takes on less patients because of it. Again though at an already frustrating visit filled with not great news I wasn't happy to learn about spending more money.

I left the appointment and pretty much made it to my car crying with mascara dripping off my cheeks.  I sat there knowing I couldn't drive home like that.  There is no way I could control my tears safetly.     I'm an external processor, and needed to just get it all out to someone.  I was racking my brain of who I could call.  I knew I couldn't call Dave.  He was at work and there was no way he could handle the emotional unloading I needed to do in the moment while he was at work.  I needed someone who could truly truly understand what I am dealing with, and I thought of my friend Jessica.  One of the dear people God connected me with upon moving here who also has Hashimoto's and is working on healing her thyroid in some of the same ways I am.  I was basically sobbing as she picked up the phone.  God knew just what I needed though.  She is one of the most prayer filled discerning people I know, and He just used her to fill me up in that moment enough to get me through my drive home.  Reminded me through her of the spiritual attack that Satan was putting on me, that God is using this to get me to give him absolute control and trust over my whole being, and to let go.  

God has taken good care of me today.  I seriously left there feeling like I had been beaten up.  So depleted.  He used Jessica to draw me to himself, and my friend Angela again upon picking up the kids just sat and listened, and encouraged. Even this morning before I left a song played that I felt Him using directly to speak to my heart and encourage it:

He let Alex sleep well enough this afternoon that I got a nap too, and had enough wisdom to text Dave and warn him before He got home of my emotional state so he wouldn't walk in the door, and be greeted with an overly emotional highly irritable wife.  Dave was so calm which was welcome to me.  Encouraging.  Reminded me that this is a process, and really I have only been doing his for 2 months....to not expect so much so soon.  His understanding hasn't always been the case.  He has struggled to understand my disease and it's effects on me especially since it mostly manifests itself in psychological symptoms in me.  So just hearing encouraging words from him was healing in more way than one.

On my way home, I drove past this old barn.  Broken down, falling over, and falling apart, but still I could not take my eyes off of it's one rock, solid, stone wall standing firm.  Immediately I was reminded of the verse in Isaiah that tells us God will bring beauty from ashes.  I thought of verses that speak of the beauty and new growth He breaths from pain, and destruction.  I thought of how He is our strong tower, and though the winds and storms come, and hard parts of us are chiseled away, He still stands. He, our tower still remains. When we are in Him, Satan cannot destroy us.  I am safe, because of Him, because even when things in this life cause us harm, destroy, or tear down....it doesn't matter, because I am a child of God, I get to live forever, victoriously with Him!

He still stands.  

My Rock still remains even when everything else around me crumbles.

And so I take one step forward, even when I feel like I've taken 3 steps back, and I press on, and I readjust my compass, and I look up, and bathe this whole entire thing in more prayer than ever, and lay it down again...and again.  As many times as I have to.

Lord make me whole.  For as much as this is about a physical healing in me, it's even more so about your healing my heart.

My plans in the days to come, are to press into Him more.  Let Him be a part of every intricate decision in this process.  As I spent sometime today with Him, reevaluating things, I am going to start with going back to eliminating the supplements I added on in July, and possibly step back from some of the fruits I have reintroduced to see if that doesn't settle things down.

Time to press on, and try again!

Healing My Heart's Hurts

I dusted this old book off of my shelf last week due to my counselors recommendations.

It's been probably 12 or 13 years since I read it, and oh how healing it is for my heart to hear scripture breathed into life!

One of the lines I recently read states the following:

"Women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability."

That smacked me right in the face....a punch right to the gut, and then the tears came...

Oh how it hurts to admit truths about your heart to yourself.  Change is hard.  Growth doesn't come without pain, but we must dig into His deeper plans for us....the growing pains that we have to go through to reveal more of His plan for our lives...to allow Him to write our story...

You see when we moved out here last fall, I signed up for a women's book study at church in order to meet new people.  I hadn't even heard of the book, "Idol Lies," by Dee Brestin.  Didn't really sound interesting to me at the time either, but I like to read so I figured it would be fine regardless.  Just wanted to meet new people, and make friends.  I had no idea what God had in store for me through that study.  He completely blew me out of the water with what He started to reveal about me in regards to the state of my heart.

It was through that study that He revealed to me that so often my desire for comfort and control, tends to be more so than my love and obedience for Him, and because of this, I often times do this to those I love most as well....Dave, and the kids.

So when I read this statement in the book I'm reading now, it was another reminder, that God hasn't finished working on my heart in the area of control.

From what I've been told by people I appear to be confident, competent, socially comfortable, and at peace with who I am and where my security lies, but in all honesty, this couldn't be farther from the truth.  I'm good at pushing through.  I've been hurt many times, and in being hurt you often times start to feel calloused.  Hurt hearts, have walls.  Walls sometimes appear as confidence to those who don't know the walls exist, and the walls can't come down, until you deal with the hurt.

I have improved in this area drastically in the last few years, but it's still hard.  So when I hear things like..

"Women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability."

It makes me well up with tears because it's true!  It's me!  I appear to be confident and in control only because I am afraid of who people will see me to be when I'm not!  They will see me in my most vulnerable state.  

Who will I be to them if I am not confident?  

Will I still be wanted if I am vulnerable?  

If I am weak? 

Will I be enough?  

That is the core lie laced through all of them....

Am.  I.  Enough?

And so I ask Him...

"But God what if they...."

And His response is ALWAYS..

"I still love you..."

"But if all of that is stripped away from me, who am I?"

"You are still you.  Who I created you to be, not who you are striving to be...."

You see part of #HealingMe isn't just a journey to me being the best me even with an autoimmune disease, it's healing my heart too.  Learning to love who God created me to be, and be secure in His love, and His plans for me is all part of the process too.  A year ago I would have been too proud to say I needed a counselor.  Having one helping me navigate through God's truth is evidence that there is progress, and He is doing a great work in me!

Perhaps that's why He gave me a Word of the Year this year....Surrender!  This is just one small part of the surrendering He has asked me to do!

Blessings,

Week #1- "Healing Me" Update

I must say this week has gone relatively smoothly.  My diet has been fine, though somewhat boring, and I am not a person who cares about variety, or what food looks like, but when you can only have like 5 things, all the sudden the inability to have anything else is kind of irritating.

The biggest key to my success so far I have found is being prepared.  Having food ready is an absolute must.  These have been my staples so far (warning you, some of it's weird because it has to be :)

Breakfast-  Sweet potato with homemade turkey sausage (with safe spices I can have), a little coconut oil, sometimes a few berries if I have some fresh on hand, and I am trying to find a tea I can have, but every time I buy one I think I can have I get home and see one ingredient that I can't so this week I just made it up....coconut milk with some cinnamon and ginger.  It's not coffee, but it suits its purpose!

Lunch-  Fruit and veggie smoothie (the kids get this too and I hide a few of our supplements in these in order to get some into Alex.  I typically also have a salad with spinach/kale, grilled chicken, avocado, and plain apple cider vinegar which I am finding is surprisingly perfect on salads.  I thought I would have a hard time with dressings, but this is seriously just fine!

Supper-  Either another salad or modified versions of what he rest of the family is having-  I am trying to keep our protein safe for me to eat, and have a hot vegetable at supper that is on my approved foods list as well (I did green beans one night and that meal turned into the biggest pain in the butt ever....something as simple as spaghetti is no longer simple anymore!   I have to make a spaghetti sauce for myself that doesn't even have tomatoes in it, and though it tastes ok was not worth the time and effort I put into it...at least not at this point in the game!)  Here it is in all it's glory...."No-Mato" sauce, no grain meatballs, and sauteed zucchini..

Again...not sure that sauce was worth it.  Next time I will just eat zucchini and meatballs:  The rest of the family typically has a carb with gf/corn free options for Alex.

Snacks-  I keep a big crockpot of homemade chicken and veggie broth in the fridge so whenever I am hungry I can grab a bowl of that (Bone broth helps to seal the gut lining back up from damage that has been done to the interstitial cell spacing in the intestines aka Leaky Gut).

One of my new favorites is actually roasted cabbage #1 because it's cheap, and #2 it is so delicious!  I like cabbage, but I had never tried it this way, and well....only getting to eat a handful of foods forces you to try new things to have variety.  Hands down this is one of my new favorites!

Dessert-  Sliced apples sauteed and steamed in coconut milk and cinnamon (so yummy!)

New things I tried for the first time.....I am extremely geeked out because I just made my first batch of homemade water kefir.  Mostly due to cost.  Water kefir grains are safe for me because they don't have dairy like milk kefir potentially can, and they add lots of probiotics into my diet at a fraction of the cost of buying them in the store.  SO I mostly did this for financial reasons, but to say I wasn't excited about my little science experiment would be a lie :) 

I may become a little more adventurous as time goes on.  I like beets a lot, and also brussel sprouts.  They just haven't made it onto the menu yet.  Was trying to keep things simple, but I am sure they will be soon.  Fermented foods are huge for me, so once I feel like I have a handle on the diet in general, I am going to try my hand at making homemade fermented things.  I will probably start with something simple like cucumbers or cabbage, and stick with those before I get too crazy!  I can't buy the canned ones, because those have lost all the beneficial probiotics in them.  Doing it myself is cheapest option so I guess I will have to try it that way :)

Symptom wise I have had some of what they call "die off" symptoms.  "Die off" also known as Herxheimer reaction is something that occurs when yeast are killed rapidly within the body, and they start releasing by products into your body.  Your body processing these by-products is what causes the reaction.  Typical symptoms are brain fog, lethargy, flu-like symptoms, low grade fever, nausea, diarrhea, achy joints.

Mine wasn't too severe, but enough to feel it.  (TMI alert-  stool was almost back to normal before starting antifungals, and probiotics, and I saw a bit of a backslide, but I think it's just die off symptoms and my body adjusting to new things). I have been more lethargic, and weak-  I typically work out 4-5 days a week, and was having a really hard time having any energy at all this week.  I did all of the sudden feel some of my achy joints come back, and also experienced some brain fog as soon as I started my antifungal meds.  I was worried at first, but each day seems to be a bit better.  I suppose the same will go with my strength and energy as well.  For now I am trying to focus on listening to my body-  sleeping if I need to sleep, choosing not to exercise strenuously if I feel like I can't, and just let myself have time to heal.  Stress is a huge part of this too....I have to decrease stress to heal so forcing myself in a time when I need to step back and rest is not going to help me at all. 

Alex updates-  Things are going well.  The key here is to be prepared!  I had lots of Alex friendly snacks, and had a conversation with Abbie about how we may need to save special snacks that are her favorites for naptime or something so Alex will have an easier time adjusting.  If he was older I would probably just coach him more to learn to deal with it, but he is 2....it's really hard to watch your sister get something you can't have, and he doesn't understand why he could have it 2 weeks ago, but can't now.  He also has had several solid stools in the last 2 days....I may have cried out with joy...that's progress!!  We had a slight mix up when a sweet friend told me xantham gum has corn in it (and I used that to make his GF bread)....well what the heck!  Seriously!  So I had to remake his bread, but everything else he is on should be good now.

Prayer requests...

I am having a really hard time handling day to day normal stuff right now, because so much of my time is spent preparing food.  I feel guilty a lot...guilty for not spending time with the kids, or ignoring them again, because I have to make sure all of our foods are safe, and it's hard.  Really hard.  I need to give myself grace, but it is because of this that it's hard to make time for other simple things....all the sudden getting dressed is no longer necessary (not that I was great about getting out of my PJs before 9AM anyway, but it does help me feel better, to get ready for the day, but food prep has taken priority, because when we are hungry...we get ANGRY so I have to stay on top of it.

I'm also struggling to know how to balance life in that-  all activities outside of the home sound overwhelming to me right now...playdates, appointments, friends, etc.  I am feeling myself withdraw which is not a good place to be.  I typically do that because I then put everything on myself to get everything done, but in reality...I need people to be ok with my messed up self.  I need people period.  So pray that I can see through that fog to know what is ok to say "no" to and what I need to say "yes" to.

So I guess prayers for grace for myself, and prayers that this would become second nature to me.  That it wouldn't be something I fear, but that it would be something I accept as part of God's role for me.  To not begrudge that, but to accept it with grace.  Pray against my anxiety, and ultimately that this works.  Healing would be great, but more so that even if huge diet changes are the rest of my life, that everything we have done- money spent, supplements taken, food sacrifices made will not be done in vain.  That there will be healing so that both Alex and I can be ourselves again even if there are certain foods we can never eat again.

Not sure I will have updates every week, but I thought some of you may be interested to know how things are going!  Thank you so much for your kind thoughts when I shared about this struggle.  I seriously hesitated posting that blog post.  It was so long, and I feared many would be bored to tears reading it, but I knew I couldn't openly talk about this part of my life right now unless I gave the details.  All of you were so supportive, and many of you have some similar struggles!  I pray my journey to be persistent and not give up, can encourage and motivate you to do the same!

Blessings,

Healing Me

Parts of me doesn't even want to talk about this, but other parts of me knows that I need to let it out. Words are my thing.  I can't fully process things when I don't write or talk things through.

I can't even remember how much I have told in this space, and how much I haven't.  It's not like I have withheld secret information....just information that has taken me so much time, and energy to wrap my mind around that I haven't yet felt at a point to put it into words.  I'm just trying to get a grip on it myself.

I mentioned in my post a few weeks ago that I had a really important appointment with my new doctor to go over all of the gazillion lab tests I had done in the month of April.  So if you didn't know already, I have an autoimmune disease called "Hashimoto's Thyroiditis." Basically this means my immune system is attacking my thyroid.  I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in August of 2011, 4 months after having Abigail. It took about 6 months of trying new doses and rechecking labwork before my doctor at the time felt like my dose was regulated enough.  I felt ok.  Had energy.  Lost the rest of my baby weight and didn't think much of it.  I wasn't told anything else by my doctor about being concerned or anything....just to take this medication, recheck labs once in awhile and I should be good.

Fast forward to the Fall of 2012, a friend of mine with hypothyroidism had several miscarriages.  We started talking a bit, and I found out that hypothyroidism can actually cause infertility and miscarriages.  Now that got my attention.  We weren't done having kids yet, and of course I didn't want to have to experience the struggles of miscarriage or infertility, if there was something that could be done about it to prevent it.  My friend gave me the name of her endocrinologist, and I set up an appointment.  He did more extensive lab work on me than I had had done previously to evaluate my thyroid, and it came back saying I had something called "Hashimoto's."  I have "what?"  (My husband likes to call it "Quazimoto's" as in....The Hunchback of Notre Dame....sweet huh?  :)
My doctor went on to tell me...  "You have a specific type of thyroid disease called "Hashimoto's." He may very well have said it's an autoimmune thyroid disease to me at the time, but being my 28 year old self at the time, never having been sick in my life, I would have had no idea what in the world "autoimmune" meant anyway.  He told me my lab work looked good, and when the time comes that we find out we are pregnant that I should call and let him know asap so he can increase my dose of thyroid medication to hopefully prevent a miscarriage/problems.  That is exactly what I did.  August 2013, I found out I was pregnant with Alex, and called my endocrinologist before I even called my OB. My pregnancy was normal aside from my ridiculous, never ending nausea, and puking, but baby was ok, etc.  Delivery was fine, minus ahem Alex's abrupt arrival that ended up being an accidental home birth (you can read that ridiculous story here).

About a year ago, (not to give TMI here, but I share hoping that if my struggles can help someone, then I pray they do!) I started realizing that I didn't feel great after eating bread, etc-  bloated,  lethargic, achy, and that my stool wasn't quite what I would call normal.  I hadn't paid attention before honestly, but I had started reading more about Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and I started realizing, this is more than just "take a pill and you are good for life"  No....there was way more to it.  I started researching online (yeah I know....don't EVER google your symptoms, because you surely will get things like "you are going to die") and I kept finding out more and more about my disease, and in particular autoimmunity.  This was no longer really just about my slow thyroid anymore....autoimmunity occurs when the immune system goes awry and attacks the body itself.

For me in particular, it wasn't necessarily my thyroid being slow that caused my thyroid to stop working....something happened inside of me that caused the inflammation, and turned on the "switch" which just so happened to end up being focused on my thyroid.  Pregnancy is a stressor that can do this.  We can genetically be predisposed to autoimmune disease, stress itself can cause it, environmental triggers, being on lots of antibiotics or taking lots of NSAIDS, viruses, eating lots of inflammation causing foods (highly processed foods, eating out a lot- not whole grain, fruits, veggies, etc)...there are lots of things that can cause autoimmunity and contribute to inflammation.  My switch happened to "turn on" from my pregnancy with Abigail.  This actually happens to a lot of women postpartum-  being pregnant is a huge stressor on your body.  Though we will never know for sure, my current doctor is positive that my thyroid was probably having issues before this, but not showing symptoms yet.

So back to my issues last summer....I started reading, and found a really great resource that I had read articles about online, and then my friend with Hashimotos told me about it, so I went and bought my own copy, but I poured over that book.  Obsessively for awhile.  To the point of anxiety as I came to grips with reality of all the things no one told me about my disease, that I could have been addressing had I known.

It was in that moment that I started realizing things about myself that finally made sense.  I have struggled with anxiety ever since I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism...turns out, it's really common for people with hypothyroidism to get anxiety!  Many people with thyroid disease struggle with gaining lots of weight and not being able to lose it.  Though I have had times where I struggled a bit, it's never been extensive....all of my struggles have been psychological-  anxiety, brain fog, some fatigue.

This book "Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Root Cause," by Isabella Wentz is an amazing resource!  I started realizing that my thyroid issues are really not answered by taking a pill.  The pill helps me feel somewhat better, and I may always take that pill, but in reality it's a bandaid.  It doesn't get the root issue of my autoimmunity. What caused my autoimmunity?  What trigger put me into a state of my body deciding to attack itself?  Was there something in the environment?  Did I have an underlying virus that was doing it?  Even being on birth control can do it....though I was only on it for a short time, was it that?  I had MRSA several years ago that I got while working out at a gym....I was put on probably 6 different antibiotics for about 6 months straight!  I may never know for sure.  My doctor is suspicious of the excessive antibiotics I was put on for MRSA for so long.

Anyway, the more I researched the more I realized that doing nothing to really treat the causes of the autoimmunity (other than taking a bandaid pill) is really just allowing your body to have chronic inflammation.  Chronic inflammation leads to more diseases and deterioration of your health.
Typically one autoimmune disease leads to another, and it is no too uncommon for the diseases to get to the point that they are so debilitating that some may have to quit their jobs, or be so lethargic and sick that they are bedridden.

That got my attention!  More diseases?  Feeling worse than I do now?  What quality of life is that? Something had to change!  I have heard stories of people far worse off than I.  I knew I wanted to take charge of my health so that I can be the best me I can be.  I can't control everything, and ultimately I have to trust that God is the ultimate healer, and that I can't predict the future, and what my story will be....more diseases or not, but I also cannot wisely stand back and just allow myself to continue the life I was living if my body literally cannot eat and handle things other peoples bodies are more resistant to.

The reality is though....other people being "resistant" to the disease I struggle with or not, I am not quite sure how true that is.  Autoimmunity is on the rise.  In fact 1 in 5 Americans has an autoimmune disease....20%!!!!  

That's crazy!  Genetics does play a role, but a HUGE contributor to autoimmunity is our diet.  Processed foods are a huge culprit.  This doesn't mean you can't ever eat ice cream, but it does mean we should really take seriously the foods we put into our bodies.  How often are we eating out, indulging in desserts, etc.  Food has the power to heal and nourish, and also destroy depending on what we choose to put into our bodies.

So anyway, in June of 2015 I started this whole process.  Initially talking with my chiropractor back in Chicago about my issues and getting started solving the problem.  I was tested for some food sensitivities that time, and had some labs done, but then we moved, and I had to find new doctors which was incredibly difficult to do....

I initially saw a new chiropractor here who would do some work on me, but all of it was out of network expenses, another chiropractor who specialized in thyroid disease, but again he was out of network, and really expensive.  That was out of the question...I contacted my regular family practice doctor (a D.O.) to see if she could treat me, and she was happy to, but basically she had no experience in doing something this extensive with an autoimmune disease, and I would end up telling her what needed to be done.  I couldn't do that.  This whole thing was causing me anxiety as it was!  I needed someone to tell me what to do and be my doctor....to advocate for me!  I then started searching for another endocrinologist who came highly recommended, but he basically told me what I already knew, and that he wasn't going to approach my diet, or outside triggers that could be causing the immune attacks....just the same old stuff I already knew.  I ripped up the lab order from him, and came home and poured over my insurance website searching for who would take me in network that was a more functional practitioner (they approach medicine more holistically, but also have gone through medical school, and I knew I needed someone who wasn't just going to keep giving me a pill...I needed someone to help me get to the bottom of my issues that are unique to me!).  I finally found one about an hour away in December, and got put on a waiting list.  I was told "we think she is going to start seeing new patients in the new year so we will call you when that opens up."

Ahhhh!!!  Seriously?  One step closer, but still so far....what if she didn't end up seeing new patients?  At that point I did find someone else in network a little closer, but I didn't get great vibes from their website or when I called.  His first appointment was March (I called in November or December) so I said "fine- I will take it!"  At least I had something scheduled.

In January and early February I started feeling really off.  I was going through extremely intense mood swings.  Only comparable to that which I had had when I was on birth control when we first got married (also the same reason I got off of hormonal BC...it makes me CrAzY!!)  Mood swings for a women can be somewhat normal, but when you know what your normal is, and things start changing drastically, I knew something was off.  I had been off of gluten and dairy since October 2015 (these can really hinder progress with thyroid healing), and so I started to wonder if maybe my thyroid was healing some and my body was absorbing medication differently.  I didn't want to just run to the doctor every time I felt differently though.  So I waited until the beginning of March when my 3rd cycle of crazy mood swings set in, and I immediately marched myself into get lab work, because this could not happen again.  I was crying all the time.  Yelling at Dave.  Yelling at the kids.  Feeling anxious about everything, and depressed.  I could not get happy which is not me at all.  Much to my relief, and also disappointment, the portion of my thyroid that creates T3 (another thyroid hormone) was not working anymore, so I didn't need less of my current medication, I actually needed to add on another medication to correct the problem!  I was kind of bummed, but also happy to start feeling well again, and literally within a few days was starting to feel like me again.


Sometime in February the office called that had the waiting list and said they were taking appointments for March.  I gladly accepted, turned in my paperwork ASAP, and got an appointment.  This particular doctor not only was a doctor not a chiropractor (made Dave much more accepting of what I was doing because he trusted an MD more), but also had specializations in integrative medicine, and autoimmune diseases.  Jackpot!

I am pretty sure I cried that day.  I still hadn't had my appointment, but finally....finally....I was getting somewhere, almost a year after I tried to start this process.

My initial consultation was on March 31st, and I left that appointment crying tears of joy....not because she told me good news.  She acknowledged I definitely needed help, but more than anything I left that appointment not feeling crazy!  I felt like people around me, doctors included sometimes treated me like this wasn't a big deal.  That it was all in my head.  Hearing her affirm me that day was worth it's weight in gold.  I wasn't crazy!  We didn't have all the answers yet, and this would be a process, but what I was feeling was far from normal.

I spent the month of April gathering all of my million lab tests including ridiculously extensive bloodwork at the lab (I think they pulled like 8 or 10 tubes of blood from that blood draw), at home saliva and urine tests, and an at home stool test. You haven't lived until you have had to test your own poop let me tell you :)  (Hey and for the grossed out folks...I warned you this maybe a TMI post ;)

I returned for my follow up consultation and treatment plan with my doctor in mid May.  This appointment revealed I had several nutritional deficiencies.  Most marked ones were my Omegas (DHA, EPA) and Vitamin D.  This can happen when you have digestive issues and your body isn't absorbing nutrients from your food properly.  I had a large over balance of bad bacteria in my digestive system, an overgrowth of candidia (yeast) throughout my body, and found out I carry the gene marker for celiacs disease, which my doctor said once you have an autoimmune disease, that marker could lay dormant for years, but basically it gets turned on because of what else is going on in your body, so I now also have Celiacs.  Totally explains why all things gluten started making me feel like crap :)

We also chatted a bit about Alex, and my intuition has always felt like something wasn't quite right with him.  His pediatrician keeps kind of brushing it off.  He has never had normal stools, and I found out that he could have gotten something in utero from me which is now causing him problems.  I had him tested for celiacs as well which came back negative (although there is a high instance of false negatives), but that was somewhat relieving and also confusing.  If not celiac, then what is it?

Nutrition wise she highly recommended an elimination diet to allow my digestive system to calm down, and then gradually reintroduce things to see how my body tolerates them.  I decided to do an elimination diet with Alex as well to see if I can figure out what his triggers are and hopefully give his digestive system some time to heal.  By default since I have celiacs I have something called Leaky Gut, but many people without celiacs have it, and don't realize it.  I don't want to go into details about it, but I highly recommend you read up on it on the link above, and find out more info here to see if it could be effecting you.

My elimination diet is intense.  As in I probably can't have any grains again for at least a year...maybe longer, maybe not ever.  For the next 3 months I am allowed meat, most veggies except legumes (green beans and peas) and also no nightshades (white potatoes, peppers, tomatoes), most fruits as long as they are low on the glycemic index-  so no bananas, pineapple, or melons. Basically as clean as possible- all organic everything if I can...I can't afford that so I am just doing the best I can with it all, and absolutely NO processed anything!  In about a month I can try to introduce egg if I want, but no nuts, or beans for 3 months.....good grief do you know how much I eat nuts, and hummus....sigh.
From what I have read if anyone with an autoimmune issue wants any change of putting their body into remission, grains have to wait for a LONG time before being reintroduced.   Which is ok.  I was already GF and DF...I might as well go all the way :)

I can't have coffee anymore....suck!  My new entire diet with all parameters in place started today.  So yesterday I had my last frappachino from starbucks for probably along time....not sure when and if I will ever get to do that again.  We ate out for lunch yesterday as well....still DF and GF for that, but I probably won't be able to eat out again for months (just because it is so important during an elimination diet to not have ANY potential irritants in your diet to allow for optimal healing, and going out to eat raises my chances of potential cross contamination to become really high).  So for right now I wanted to enjoy eating out one last time.

For Alex I am eliminating the top 8 allergens:

1. Gluten
2. Dairy
3. Nuts
4. Eggs
5. Corn
6. Soy
7. Shellfish
8. Preservatives

I will do this for him for 3 to 4 weeks and give him natural leaky gut healing supplements (bone broth or grass fed gelatin, and probiotics).

Here is my approved Food List:

When confronted with this diet the fist thing people ask is what can they eat. In fact you’ll be eating the way people ate for most of human history—there’s plenty of food that doesn’t come from a factory or an industrialized farm. Of course, if you have an intolerance to any of these foods, don’t eat it just because it’s on this list.

• Most Organic Vegetables: including anise, artichoke, asparagus, beets, bok choy, broccoli, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, chives, cucumbers, garlic, kale, kohlrabi, leeks, lettuce, mustard greens, onions, parsley, radishes, rhubarb, shallots, spinach, squash, sweet potatoes, water chestnuts, watercress, yams, zucchini.
• Fermented foods: sauerkraut, kimchi, pickled ginger, fermented cucumbers, coconut yogurt, kombucha, water kefir, etc. You will probably need to make your own or buy one of the few brands that are genuinely fermented and free of sugars or additives. Also, search for information about anaerobic fermented foods in air-tight containers. These ferments do not produce histamines that some people react to (including rashes, digestive upset, inflammation) in aerobic, or open, ferments typically using mason jars.
• Meats: including beef, chicken, fish, lamb, turkey. Fish should be ocean caught with a low mercury content. Swordfish, most tuna, and king mackerel are very high in mercury. Select hormone-free and antibiotic-free chicken, turkey, and lamb. Select beef that is grass fed, hormone free, and antibiotic free. Best choice are grass-fed and pastured meatsfrom a local farm. Second best is organic. Avoid factory-farmed meats that contain antibiotics and hormones. For a source of good meat near you, contact your local Weston A. Price chapter leader, or order using the link on theResources page.
• Low Glycemic Organic Fruits: including apples, apricots, avocados, berries, cherries, grapefruit, lemons, oranges, peaches, pears, plums.
• Coconut: including coconut butter, coconut cream, coconut milk, coconut oil, unsweetened coconut flakes, unsweetened coconut yogurt.
• Noodles: shirataki yam noodles (sold in Asian grocery stores). Avoid the noodles that also contain tofu.
• Herbs and Spices: including basil, black pepper, cilantro, coriander, cumin, garlic, ginger, lemongrass, mint, oregano, parsley, rosemary, sage, sea salt, thyme.
• Other: apple cider vinegar, herbal teas, olive oil, olives.

(Visit this link for more info on the Autoimmune Gut Repair Diet)

I know.  It's ridiculous.  I basically am eating salads for the next 3 months, and lets be honest...for most of the rest of my life :)  I will say though....I have spent the last 2 weeks weaning myself off of caffeine and starches so this transition wouldn't be so hard, and after taking out corn, I feel like a whole new person!  I can think way more clearly, a lot of my digestive symptoms have died down, and my joints and back aren't aching like they were before.  In fact I hardly feel joint pain at all now!

I am encouraged by this result, and am really looking forward to the rest of the process as I haven't even started all of my supplements yet.

Initially after coming home from the doctor after discussing my labs I was pouring over websites trying to figure out recipes for elimination diet and how in the world I was supposed to take care of providing meals for my weird dietary needs, but also a whiny toddler, and 2 other people.  I started getting really anxious about it again, but I am happy to say with God and Dave's help I came up with a plan that is simple, that allows minimal prep, and is easy for me to modify for my needs so I am not cooking 3 different meals 3 times a day :) 

When I went to the store to start purchasing new things for our diet changes, I got to a point where I was so overwhelmed I almost started crying.  I actually finally had to leave.  They need support groups for this type of thing!  I wanted someone to show me where all these weird new foods were.  To remind me that today is only today and tomorrow is tomorrow, and a year from now we will be a year farther than we are right now.  I had no idea it would be this stressful changing things!  Did you know there is corn in almost fricking EVERYTHING!!  It is ridiculous!  I have to change ketchups, jams, etc just so alex doesn't have corn in his diet during the elimination phase.  So frustrating...so allergy moms....the life of critically reading EVERY.  SINGLE.  INGREDIENT on a label is frustrating.  Really frustrating!  My hats off to you for doing this every single day.  

Tonight I started to see a glimpse of that world.  I couldn't find a gluten free bread that didn't have corn in it for a reasonable price so I made my own for Alex.  I doubled the batch to freeze one so it would be somewhat less work, but it made me realize....this is what love does.  Those mamas whose kids have allergies watch their inner mama bear roar with a never ending fight to protect their kids.  They buy expensive alternatives.  They read ingredients.  They make things homemade if that is what they can afford to do since alternative foods can be so expensive, and we moms....we just do it. 

 Whatever our kids need....

 Whatever keeps them healthy we fight for them....

We stay up way past midnight for them...

We bake homemade loves of bread....

We scour ingredient lists for hours to find snacks that our kids will like and will also make them feel included if they can't have something other kids have....

I separated out all my supplements by days of the week and times of day like a little old lady tonight, and after I did it I sat down, cried, and stared at them.....

Dave came in and sat with me.  I just needed to mourn.  To be allowed to be sad at what was, and what no longer is, but also at the potential of the future.  I'm 32 not 92.  I have Hashimoto's, Celiacs, a scoliosis in my back, feet that will eventually need pretty extensive surgery, and a jaw that will need surgery as well...basically I am a genetic mess, and I just looked at Dave and cried "It just sucks that I am so broken!"

But this is my story. Even moments like this won't go wasted.  Food and body image have been a struggle in my life for years so much to the point that I struggled with a borderline eating disorder, and I can honestly say that God is good even in this.  This whole entire part of my story has almost entirely freed me of that struggle to instead focus on taking care of my health instead of caring about a flat stomach or a number on a scale.  That was something I thought I would never be free from.  I thought I would always have that struggle, and yet now I am so incredibly grateful that my God refines in fire.  

Would I choose an autoimmune disease?  Of course not....but nothing passes through His hands that He hasn't allowed.  He knew that it would make me give up control.  He knew it would bring me to my knees, and in my weakness on my knees is where I always find Him in the deepest places.  

Blessings,

Home

I've been a blubbering idiot the last few days....crying at the drop of a hat, not being able to make tears stop sometimes, and each time its been in moments where I am overwhelmed at God's blessings in the friends He has provided for me.

Yesterday I had a really important doctors appointment to find out results and a treatment plan for next steps with my autoimmune disease issues, and my friend Hannah watched my kids....for 4 hours...4 hours!!!!  About a month ago I had my initial appointment with my new doctor, and my friend Trista watched my kids then for another 4 hours!!!  We have had other things we needed help with, and our friends watched our kids, helped do house projects, etc.

And you guys not only do they watch my kids but they actually play with my kids...all I asked was for a safe place even if they just watched movies the whole time, and they actually played with the kids, went on walks, and did art projects....

 


This whole thing is a really big deal for me, because you guys....I HATE asking for help.  HATE IT!  I don't want to burden people, and I can't always "payback" people, and I hate the feeling of "owing" someone, and since we moved here I have had to accept help.  I have had to ask for help many times, and though I still suck at it, God's teaching me something....that I need to allow room in my life for people who want to serve us in this way.  That there will be times I can payback, and there will be times when I can't, but to accept this as is.....a gift.  A chance to bless.  A chance to serve, and help provide for our needs...no strings attached.

It took me months to find a doctor who specializes in my issues, and is in network with my insurance, so I was thrilled to find her, but also knew seeking out care from her would force me to ask for help-  she is an hour away, appointments are an hour if not more long, and she only has daytime availability.  I can't ask Dave to take off work all the time, so I knew I was going to have to ask for help.  So yesterday, when I was pulling into Hannah's driveway, I teared up, and my eyes brimmed full....those same eyes that filled with tears last summer as I came to grips with what God was asking us to do....move...850 miles away from everyone we knew and all that we were comfortable with, to a land unknown, to a place we'd never traveled before, and trust Him....my biggest fear was leaving my family, and friends, and so as I pulled into her driveway, those tears were no longer of fear....they were of joy, because my God provided.  Beyond measure He has provided!

He provided a church immediately....before we even moved we knew where we were going to go-  One trip to Faith Church this summer, the same weekend we bought our house, and we had no reservations at all about calling this our church home.

He provided a faith based preschool at our church for Abbie, women's ministry opportunities, small group, sunday school, and much more...each one of those connections have allowed amazing friendships to blossom for our entire family!

Today was our last day of MOPs for the school year, and we watched a slideshow of pictures from throughout the year, and I could NOT, stop the tears...

He is good.
 
He is so, very, very, good.

He has been more than faithful to provide.

He asked us last summer to trust Him, and we did.

We took a HUGE leap of faith, and left all that we knew to travel to places unknown, and He provided.

We have a family.

God provided us a family!

And I can confidently say without fear, or sadness, that this is home....

Blessings,

Are you in a season of loneliness?  I've been there friend-  at one point praying for years for God to provide close friendships.  I encourage you to continue to press into Him.  Let Him fill you up, and trust that He is good, and will provide...never stop praying!

Room for Margin

I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately with our calendar.

So many things scheduled.  

Not enough time to think.

Or breathe.  

I need silence.  

Stillness to reflect, and ponder.

When I don't have time for silence, I start to feel like I'm being strangled.

Suffocated.

Perhaps I should have seen those red flags in my pleas of how my children had been making me feel the last few months, and going through a guilt ladden cycle of getting to the end of our days, and not being "good enough."

This past week I realized something.  We had a day where I woke up, had my coffee, and my devotion, and we weren't off and running to Bible Study, preschool, MOPS, playdate, or to run errands...we just were.  We just chose to simply exist that day.  There was no rushing.  No "hurry up, we are going to be late."  We just simply were, and it was beautiful.  We do that more often then I really can count, but honestly I feel so guilty about doing so that I haven't really taken time to enjoy it.  What I noticed that day was a HUGE difference in my relationships, particularly in my parenting...

I had patience.

There were still temper tantrums.

And sibling spats and squabbles.

The usual, but something was different...

I had stamina.  

I wasn't quick to anger.  

I was slow to speak.  

I breathed, before I opened my mouth.

I thought, before my tongue lashed.

It was that day, that I realized, all of my busy-ness was taking over my effectiveness in my life.  I was doing a bunch of things, but not necessarily any of them well.  

There was a time, when I could juggle about 20 plates at a time, what I have realized with my current illness (autoimmune disease) is even when I "can" do that, it doesn't mean it's good for me, or that I am doing all of them well.

Have you ever gone to a really nice restaurant, and when you sit down, they hand you a a small menu that is barely even a sheet of paper in size?  Upon first glance it's easy to think, "that's it?  This is all I get to choose from?"  But as you look at the entrees, and read the descriptions, your mouth waters, just at the sound of each item.  You place your order, and when your meal comes, placed before you is the most beautiful food you have ever seen!  You take a bite, and literally, can hardly handle how amazing it is!  Well take that experience, and compare it to one of going to IHOP....they hand you a menu that contains literally 350 items.  When your food arrives, you get exactly what you ordered...pancakes, bacon, eggs over easy.  It's neither the worst or best meal you have ever had...it's just a meal.  It satisfies.  Gets the job done....

You see the difference here in the nice restaurant is they are perfecting their menu.  They are choosing to focus on less things, but are doing each one exquisitely well.  IHOP...does many things, but you get just that type of quality...mediocre.  

I want to do great things.  Which means I need to do less things, so I can do each one I am doing...well.  To fine tune my focus.  To do life with, marriage with, parent with... fine tuned, precise focus.

I've been praying a prayer since last summer that is all Jen Hatmaker's fault  :)  In her book, Interrupted, she talks about a prayer that she prayed for God to "Stir up in her a pure and holy passion."  He's been doing some amazing things in me as well since I started praying that prayer, and for the first time in probably ever....I feel like I am starting to see who God really created me to be, not who everyone else has told me to be my whole life, and perhaps the most important part of that is....I'm finally listening to who God says I am!  So I am taking sometime to really press in, and hear His voice in my life, and what I need to be doing, and letting go of in order to let Him orchestrate my steps, and live with purpose, and passion.

Does anyone else here struggle with margin in your life?  I encourage you to take a big step back.  Spend time reflecting, and ask God what His best is for you....His answer might surprise you!

Blessings,

Thank You to My Moms

I spent sometime this past week thinking about my mom(s).

This picture of my mom and I was taken almost 10 years ago now....I was so young then, 22 years old, and completely unaware that the world indeed did not revolve around me.

My mom and I haven't always had the best relationship, but somehow we made it through my teenage years alive. I can remember a distinct turning point in our relationship- when I myself became a mom.

I started realizing that I said things my mom used to that I swore I never would as a parent.

I can remember distinctly a time when I was really struggling with working outside of the home and sending Abigail to daycare, and just crying to my mom, because I was so sad that I couldn't stay home with her. I had never really done that before, but I remember that being one of the first moments in my life of actually being authentic and raw with my mom. She listened, supported, and comforted me in the way that moms do.

Last year during a time when I was afraid to talk about us moving yet again in fear of what people would think, my mom's response floored me....considering moving 850 miles away, and yet she was one of my biggest cheerleaders during that time. It wasn't that she wanted us to move 850 miles away, but she could see God's hand in it, and she was supportive from the moment I even told her it maybe a possibility, and was one of the people that was quick to point out how it seemed like God was orchestrating something here for us in Pennsylvania.

My reflection this week led me to realize a few key things that my mom (parents) did during my childhood that distinctly shaped me into who I am today....

1) God and church were always #1- My dad was a farmer, but Sunday was ALWAYS a day of rest. Church activities always took precedence over any other outside activities.

2) My mom made my dad(marriage) a priority- Sure they argued...no marriage is perfect, but more than anything their lives did not revolve around us, and they didn't lose themselves in their identity as parents.

3) Our family unit was a priority- We did our best to eat meals around the table together. We were allowed to be in some extracurriculars, but it was much less than other families were. I can remember that frustrating me at the time, but now I see why. When we allow so much busy-ness and no time for margin in our lives, we lose sight of what is important. Being selective about the schedule of our family allowed for us to not lose sight of that.

I am so thankful that my mom made these a priority in our lives. I know some of them frustrated me at times, but as a parent now myself, I can see why they are necessary boundaries to have in place.

Thank you mom for not being perfect, but for being firm in your convictions of raising your family the best way you knew how. I am forever grateful for the foundation you and dad provided for me!

Now by God's design through marriage, I am also very blessed to have Dave's mom as my mom. 

I have to be honest, prior to getting married, I had only ever really heard bad Mother in Law stories, so it came as a surprise that I actually liked my Mother in Law...a lot! She is awesome, and an amazing source of reason, and biblical wisdom. Some people may call me lucky for getting a "good one," but I have to be honest, from what I observe of relationships with in laws, it goes both ways....some mother in laws can be overbearing, but as daughter in laws we also enter into marriages with a preset thought in our head that this relationship with our mother in law will be bad. One thing I encourage you to remember in an "in law" relationship is advice for both sides of the party- To daughter in laws, remember that this woman raised the man you married, the man you fell in love with....she must have done something right even if she is a bit overbearing about it. To mother in laws- let go. The bible says we are to leave and cleave to our spouse, this means that you are no longer your sons #1, and you have to be ok with that.

But back to my mother in law, Wendy- I want to say thank you to you as well! Not only have you been my friend, but you raised my husband. I wasn't there during his childhood, but I know full well the amount of selfless love you raised your boys with, the foundation of faith you grew them in, and you and Brad as well raised them up knowing that God, and your marriage were a priority over life revolving around them. I know he didn't always make life easy for you, but I also know God doesn't make mistakes....He knew, when He chose you to be David's mom that you were perfect for the job, no matter how ill equipped you felt. Thank you for being a good steward of him when he was under your care.

One of my favorite memories of Wendy happened about a year ago, and I was on my way to her house from Chicago, and she were going to be watching the kids while I was at the Hearts at Home conference. Abbie had gotten sick in the car from a flu bug which I thought was over in our house, and we had just gone through several days of sickness, work preparation for the conference, and I was exhausted. I arrived at Wendy's house basically in a heap, and she greeted me with a warm welcoming hug as she always does, and I just collapsed into her arms crying, and said "Why didn't anyone ever tell me that being a mom was this hard? Why did my mom make this look so easy? How could my mom have 5 of us and I have 2 and most days feel like I am barely making it?" I choked. She hugged me tightly and said "It is hard. What you are doing is hard. Being a mom of little ones is so demanding" but beyond her affirming my feelings and acknowledging that my season was hard she pressed on and said this...."But you are doing a great job."

Those words were like salve to my soul....comforting, peace filling, and bought God's truth right back into my heart.

Thank you Wendy for being a good mom to us! I can see your love in the way you pour into your grandchildren and delight in them, and that as adults you still want to protect us, but you know enough to step back, let go, and trust God with where He leads us.

What a precious, precious gift to be able to say I have not one, but two moms, and that I get to be a mom to not one, but two precious babies! Thank you God for these gifts, may I never take for granted these moments.

Just the other day I was doing another load of laundry and sighed as I threw the clothes into the washer, and caught myself....there are mamas out there who would so desperately love to be washing little ones clothes today. There are mamas who have washed little ones clothes all their lives only to have lost that same child tragically, and there are sons and daughters out there weeping today in loss of their mama. I don't "have to" do this laundry, raise these little ones, lose hours of sleep, etc....I "get to." Thank you God for allowing me "get to" do this. May I never take that for granted.

And so my final thank you is to them....thank you for making me a mama!

No matter what shape your heart is in this Mother's Day, I pray for God's comfort and peace to fill you up, and overflow you with the love only He can provide!

Blessings,