You see, I've been gone for well....9 months (in case you hadn't noticed...ha!).
The last news I left you with was that we were in the middle of trying to sell our house- I staying in our old home and continuing to work and take care of Abigail, and Dave moving in temporarily with family in the Chicago suburbs and commuting home on the weekends. Life was exhausting. My hope was slim. I was scared. So scared of all the what if's if our home didn't sell. Quickly tiring of being a single mom, yet clinging tightly to the little hope that I had to trust that God really is in control.
Well our home did indeed sell in early July 2013. Just a little over 2 months after we put it on the market. To the owner who is in a hurry to sell, it felt like an eternity. The reality? Well under the average length a home is typically on the market for. Our closing date was set for August 12th. Yikes? 6 weeks to pack up a house while working full time, and being a single mom? Not only that but now we had to find a place to move ourselves to. My hubby had been looking at homes in the Chicagoland area with a Realtor so we could at least have an idea what was out there when our house did sell. We were not in a situation to be able to afford two mortgages so we were stuck until we sold our first home. With a green light on our home having sold, passing all inspections, etc we proceeded at looking for new homes. We quickly realized (not to our surprise at all) that affording a house was out of the question in the Chicago area. We knew the value of our home and lower taxes in our current town was much lower than that of any home in Chicago. So we started looking at townhomes and condos. Renting was even more expensive then buying some of the condos and townhomes we could find and we knew we would much rather invest in something than waste money on rent if we could afford it. I really had little say in picking out a house. I had to trust Dave. He narrowed down what we could afford and I came up one day to look at his narrowed selection. We chose and made a final offer on one of those places. I must say for as much of a control freak as I can be he did a good job. He stayed within our budget, picked an affordable place in a good/safe community, and to be honest there is more square footage in our condo than was in our house. Our lifestyle has changed a bit- I miss our yard a lot, but to buy a house with a yard here before we could save more for one, would mean us spending outside of our means so for now, we choose to be content and thankful for our little place.
Now not only did God provide a buyer for our old house, but to also provide us a new, affordable place to live so quickly was a huge answer to prayer. The negotiation process on our condo took much longer than our house and several other offers came in at the same time. Some even higher than ours, but they chose us....because they had strung us along for us so long in the process! Praise God! We closed on our old house on August 12th, the new condo on August 13th and were able to start moving in on August 14th. Dave's new company provided a relocation allowance which covered EVERYTHING for our move...including them packing up most of our stuff which left me...a single mom working full time stress free as I just threw out what I wanted to when I had time and said pack up the rest. God OVER provided, in a way He didn't need to, but chose to. I was so incredibly humbled by his provision in the process. And so very grateful that He chose to show me how powerful He really is in such a way. So many things in the entire process were out of my control that I had no choice but to step back and say "God, thy will be done." And He did. Perfectly. Even if He hadn't provided in this way He would still be good. And then a funny thing happened....
Just two days before moving on August 10th, we found out we were expecting Baby #2. We'd been talking all summer about how we both felt like we should start trying for #2 in July/August whether the house sold or not. Funny thing it is....thinking about getting pregnant when your husband is only home on the weekends. How's that work :) Regardless God's timing is perfect. We were both excited.
Immediately upon moving in, I set to work getting as much painting done as possible, because with Abbie's pregnancy my nausea set in at full force at 6 weeks and though most of you didn't know me then....I had pretty bad nausea throughout my whole pregnancy with her. I got most of the painting done before 6 weeks (thank you netflix, sesame street, pbs kids, and disney channel for babysitting Abbie during that time!) Then the nausea hit. Full force. I kept telling myself just get to 12 weeks. It will get better (Abbie's got much better at 16 or 17 weeks, but there was some improvement at 12 so I figured I could at least look forward to something). 12 weeks came and went...no relief. I hoped for relief at 16 or 17 weeks again like with Abbie....both came and went...nothing. Finally right around Thanksgiving when I was around 22 weeks, I felt some relief. Still pretty nauseous. Still heartburn, but much improved. My appetite this pregnancy has been horrible. Food aversions- worse than last. I had high hopes of trying to eat a Brewer's type pregnancy diet this pregnancy...ha! I gave that up almost as quickly as the idea came into my head. Everything I used to write about on here before....making homemade, nutritious meals for my family....out the window. Our diets quickly became processed frozen meals and anything else I could stomach making. I could hardly stand the smell or sight of raw meat, and vegetables. Onions, sausage, and garlic were particular aversions. I just ate what I could keep down which was little. It was during this time that I realized how much I had prided myself in taking care of my family in this way. That much of my self worth came in this form, and when it was taken away and I couldn't do it anymore I was devastated. I knew God had something for me even in this. On a daily basis I was basically begging God to not let me go through pregnancy again because of how horrible mine are. My second trimester burst of energy never came. I spent much of Abbie and I's mornings together trying to still sleep, rarely having any energy to do anything. The poor kid has watched so much TV since moving here that I felt awful as a mom.
I entered my third trimester much the same way I entered my second- still nauseous, still heartburn though less than in the first trimester, and still tired. I entered this state of not entirely depression, but definitely a "funk." I gave up. Which in someways was good- I needed to give myself grace, lower my expectations, but I also know I entered a stage of "if I can't do anything well, I won't do anything at all."
My heartburn and nausea have been 100 x worse this pregnancy than last, and last time wasn't really great. To be honest that was one of the reasons I didn't want to have our children close together....I didn't want to be pregnant again. I hated it. I'll be honest. Much of this pregnancy I was struggling to look at the glass as half full. It's really hard to do so when you find yourself staring at a toilet bowl numerous times a day, but when I was about 33 weeks pregnant, I finally had a chat with one of the other moms in our bible study. She too struggles with severe hyperemesis (high levels of nausea and vomiting) during pregnancy. They just welcomed their 3rd baby into the world in December, and are already talking about trying for #4 later this year. One day I looked at her in all honesty out of the most raw areas of my heart said
"How do you do it? I know I am supposed to continue to have joy despite my circumstances, but I can't find it. How do you do it? How do you not feel guilty as a mom puking your guts out, having no energy, feeling unable to cook for your family at all for 9 months, and basically feeling "not there" for almost a year of your life?"
Her answer was simple, yet profound to me...
"I pray. A lot. I read scriptures to get me through it, and at the end of it all I know that holding that child in my arms, that this....even this...will have all been worth it."
Her response struck me and even though I sobbed to her that I can't do this she encouraged me that I can, and that I am and that I will finish. That soon I too will get too hold that baby in my arms and this....this will all pass away and be gone and I will be greeted with precious smiles and coos, and tiny flailing arms and legs and another baby to call mine. To love on and welcome into our family. So with that, I choose joy. I still struggle with some of my same thoughts, but daily by His grace I'm trying to seek out joy instead. Contentment. Finding the blessings that are, instead of what aren't, and trusting His good and perfect will. You see without the severe sickness this pregnancy I wouldn't have learned how much of my self worth I found in taking care of my family in tangible ways, instead of in my nothingness, finding that even now...Jesus still finds me as worthy and loved. That my husband isn't disappointed that I can't do it. That what's really important is that my family gets fed not that my family eats whole, organic, homemade food all the time. Jesus scarified His life. My sacrifice is nothing compared to that and in that I take comfort that Jesus may not have ever experienced morning sickness, but He knew pain. He knew hard. He knew sacrifice to the point of death and it is with that that I received encouragement in these last few weeks to press on. To know that labor and delivery are no easy task, but that He too will give me strength to press on even in that.
- some remodeling projects gone bad that pretty much forced us to live on a partial concrete floor for almost 2 months. It is now finished...praise God!
- God provided 2 new job opportunities for me working part time as a Facility Manager at the Veterinary Technology school I graduated from filling in temporarily for a few months last fall, and through that job provided me with a temporary teaching job for a veterinary assistant class during January and February of this year.
I want to be really honest with you, much if not all of my silence this past 9 months has been out of shame. Shame because I didn't have it all together and I didn't want to share that with all of you. Shame that I couldn't handle my crazy hectic life. Shame that I wasn't perfect and I didn't want you to know that, but lately I've felt God nudging me. To be real. To be honest. Share my real, messy life with each of you. Because here in this space somehow God meets me. God encourages me here when I'm honest and open. I've missed writing. Missed sharing, and now, though I know we are about to welcome a new baby into our home, and things will be crazier than ever, that I don't have to be afraid of that, because none of you wants fake, sugar coated life. You want real and raw. To know that my heart, really isn't too far from your own. That I too struggle. That I also am not perfect, and that somehow here in this space you can find peace, knowing you aren't alone in your struggles either.
So where am I at today? Well Monday marked 38 weeks into this pregnancy. Here is a picture from some maternity photos we took this weekend.
I am due in just 2 weeks, and praying that this baby comes on or before his or her due date. Some days I still struggle with being discontent- knowing I'm not the happy pregnant women that I often feel people expect me to be or probably what is more so the case.....what I expect myself to be. Mostly right now I am happy that the end is near. That soon my nausea and heartburn will be over, and I'll have a sweet baby to hold in my arms and realize that this....even this....was all worth it.
Blessings,
