Won't You Pray?

Dear Friends will you please pray for me? For us? Sorry about the post from yesterday. I just felt so down. So dark. Sadness just overcame me and I couldn't shake it off. It's been years since I made a phone call to a friend in the middle of the night (middle of the night to me now means after 9 or 9:30 :) I was just so sad. I cried a huge part of the day. Finally I called one of my best friends whom I've known since 1st grade. I whispered into the phone "I am sorry it's so late." She didn't mind. She ended up getting online wiht me so we wouldn't wake up her hubby. I didn't mind...phone, messenger...whatever. I just needed a friend.
For some reason yesterday the sadness of me not being able to stay at home with Abbie just consumed me.

Stop over here at this link when you have time to see what we went through to come to the decision of me working part time:
http://thebridge83.blogspot.com/2010/11/where-gods-leading-us-now.html

I reread that post today almost mad at the joy I had at the end. I know that someday I will stay at home and it's just not in the cards yet. It's reassuring to me to know that after being back at work for almost 2 months I am adamant about staying at home someday. It's the in the mean time that's hard. What to do in the mean time....I have to find joy. Somedays (like yesterday) it's so hard. It's not a bad life, working part time, but my heart knows what it really wants long term now and that is to raise our children, manage our home, serve my husband, but above all serve God first and foremost before any of those things. Dave wants it too. I keep trying to think of all the odds and ends jobs I could do to stay at home, but in the end would that really make me happy or just overtired and frustrated that I have to work 5 x as long for pennies? Dave will be done with school next summer and while that doesn't promise a job offer immediately, I know God has him in school for a reason.

My friend spoke so much truth into me last night. Scripture. Words of encouragement and so many words of affirmation (my love language). She said a few things that really stood out to me. The first was this:

"I know this though, that if God has placed it on your heart to ultimately have the desire to be a stay at home mom, he is working to where you can do that, and probably in a more permanent way than you possibly could be right now."

She then asked me:
"Do you think in all honesty that God is ever disappointed in you?"

My response:

"If I get past the place where I feel like he is disappointed in me, I know he isn't."

Oh that last one brought me to tears....how often I think I must earn God's favor. Work harder. Manage my home better. Be a better mom. Wife....and then maybe God will let me stay at home. No amount of effort in the world will make God love me anymore or anyless. Period.

I am reminded once again of these words that I read so often. When I just can't look up anymore. When I lack faith in believing that you Lord you really know me. These remind me of how much you love me. The depth of love you have for me:

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Dear Friends please pray for my heart. For our hearts that we would be obedient to God's calling in our lives. That we would find joy no matter how difficult the circumstance, and that I would truly understand the depth of love God has for me. For all of us.

Go to this link and listen to this song by Laura Story. Heard it the other day and actually listened to the words for the first time...pretty much bawled:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

In the only solitary place I sit.
Cry.
Tears held in just flow.
Why God?
I just don't understand.
What did you call us to this?
It's not what I asked for.

Alone I sit in a bathroom stall.
Weeping.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
We've worked so hard for something else,
and you gave us this.
I don't want this.
I didn't ask for this.
"Did I do something wrong?"
I ask.

Am I not still bigger even than this?
Is your reply.
Am I not still providing?
Do you not still have all that you need?
But it isn't what I want....
I want what they have.
Not what you've given me.

Lord I pray I don't miss what you are teaching me.
Even in this.
This thing I always said I didn't want to be.
The person you've asked me to be right now.
Lord that I would find joy in it.
It's so hard to find joy.
I try to have joy.
Somedays its real.
Others its a mask I hide behind.
Hiding the real me.
The me that wants to convulse into sobbing fits
Of a bathroom stall where I weep now.
The mask is hard to wear.
That's why I'm here now.
I don't feel like pretending today.
I feel so lonely.
God why?

The days would be easier if I saw that some day they would end.
But they don't.
At least not right now.
I can't see the end.
I question whether or not it will ever end.
You're here though.
You're still beside me
Even when the tears flow.
Even when I ask you why.
You never left.
Even in this bathroom stall.
You wait.
and love me anyway.

A little morning pep...

Who just started their morning with a little dancing around and some jumping jacks to Sexyback by Justin Timberlake.....



I'm not sure what you're talking about..it wasn't me :)

Happy Anniversary

Dear Dave,
5 years ago we promised our lives to each other. A decision I never regret making. You are the most amazing husband I could have ever asked for. Over the past 5 years we've learned a lot, mostly about each other and our relationships with God. Thank you for being our families leader, for loving me even when I am not very lovable, for being my best friend and companion, and now for sharing parenthood with me. Thank you for jumping off that cliff a year ago with me when God asked us to let him control our families future. I couldn't imagine doing life with anyone else but you!
Love you forever,
Bridget

July 8th was our 5th anniversary and I think it was the best yet. Funny thing is, that it was the simplest and cheapest of all of them, but that made it that much better. We had to be creative, and I loved it. Thank you Dave for a wonderful day. It was perfectly celebrated in our own little way!

We cooked dinner together and had fillet, baked potatoes, and blanched broccoli

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and then after dinner I had a surprise. On our wedding night we really didn't get much more than a taste of our cake. We cut the cake and had that taste and while we were out dancing our servers threw the pieces of cake at our plates away. When we got home from our honeymoon our parents had put our cake in the fridge for us and we decided since we didn't get much at the wedding we would eat it then instead of freezing it for our 1st anniversary. Meaning, we never really got our cake on our 1st anniversary. I called a local bakery and they sold individual pieces of cake so I went in and got 4 of them. They were so cute. We had banana with cream cheese frosting, lemon with almond frosting, butter pecan with cream cheese frosting and carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. The night Dave proposed to me our dessert was carrot cake. I love it, and because of its significance it holds a special place in my heart....


We read each others cards, and actually found some for this milestone that we liked. We hate buying cards. It's so hard to find one thats not over the top cheesy or corny, so sometimes we buy them if we can find one we like, others we make our own or write a letter to each other. He never wastes words, but the words he does write are always perfect and heartfelt...



He got me flowers




and we watched a movie together. After the movie I asked if we could watch our wedding video. Sadly, I just finished putting all the photos with music, and video clips all together right before Abbie was born. He said sure and we watched most of it before we got too tired. The day was perfect. Simple. Frugal. Exactly what we needed. Thank you God for an amazing husband and marriage.

Here's us...


5 years down, and how ever many more the Lord will bless us with to go....I hope its many! May I cherish these moments. Life never slows down and who wants to make memories out of going to work everyday. Lord let me never forget that the laundry can wait, the dishes can get down later cause I have a life that you have blessed me with. A husband to hug and kiss, a baby to rock and cuddle and memories to make in a house so blessed by you!

And here is our greatest joy, thank you God for marriages, and parenthood, and our dear precious baby girl!