Full Heart.....Full Home

In the only solitary place I sit.
Cry.
Tears held in just flow.
Why God?
I just don't understand.
What did you call us to this?
It's not what I asked for.

Alone I sit in a bathroom stall.
Weeping.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
We've worked so hard for something else,
and you gave us this.
I don't want this.
I didn't ask for this.
"Did I do something wrong?"
I ask.

Am I not still bigger even than this?
Is your reply.
Am I not still providing?
Do you not still have all that you need?
But it isn't what I want....
I want what they have.
Not what you've given me.

Lord I pray I don't miss what you are teaching me.
Even in this.
This thing I always said I didn't want to be.
The person you've asked me to be right now.
Lord that I would find joy in it.
It's so hard to find joy.
I try to have joy.
Somedays its real.
Others its a mask I hide behind.
Hiding the real me.
The me that wants to convulse into sobbing fits
Of a bathroom stall where I weep now.
The mask is hard to wear.
That's why I'm here now.
I don't feel like pretending today.
I feel so lonely.
God why?

The days would be easier if I saw that some day they would end.
But they don't.
At least not right now.
I can't see the end.
I question whether or not it will ever end.
You're here though.
You're still beside me
Even when the tears flow.
Even when I ask you why.
You never left.
Even in this bathroom stall.
You wait.
and love me anyway.