Won't You Pray?

Dear Friends will you please pray for me? For us? Sorry about the post from yesterday. I just felt so down. So dark. Sadness just overcame me and I couldn't shake it off. It's been years since I made a phone call to a friend in the middle of the night (middle of the night to me now means after 9 or 9:30 :) I was just so sad. I cried a huge part of the day. Finally I called one of my best friends whom I've known since 1st grade. I whispered into the phone "I am sorry it's so late." She didn't mind. She ended up getting online wiht me so we wouldn't wake up her hubby. I didn't mind...phone, messenger...whatever. I just needed a friend.
For some reason yesterday the sadness of me not being able to stay at home with Abbie just consumed me.

Stop over here at this link when you have time to see what we went through to come to the decision of me working part time:
http://thebridge83.blogspot.com/2010/11/where-gods-leading-us-now.html

I reread that post today almost mad at the joy I had at the end. I know that someday I will stay at home and it's just not in the cards yet. It's reassuring to me to know that after being back at work for almost 2 months I am adamant about staying at home someday. It's the in the mean time that's hard. What to do in the mean time....I have to find joy. Somedays (like yesterday) it's so hard. It's not a bad life, working part time, but my heart knows what it really wants long term now and that is to raise our children, manage our home, serve my husband, but above all serve God first and foremost before any of those things. Dave wants it too. I keep trying to think of all the odds and ends jobs I could do to stay at home, but in the end would that really make me happy or just overtired and frustrated that I have to work 5 x as long for pennies? Dave will be done with school next summer and while that doesn't promise a job offer immediately, I know God has him in school for a reason.

My friend spoke so much truth into me last night. Scripture. Words of encouragement and so many words of affirmation (my love language). She said a few things that really stood out to me. The first was this:

"I know this though, that if God has placed it on your heart to ultimately have the desire to be a stay at home mom, he is working to where you can do that, and probably in a more permanent way than you possibly could be right now."

She then asked me:
"Do you think in all honesty that God is ever disappointed in you?"

My response:

"If I get past the place where I feel like he is disappointed in me, I know he isn't."

Oh that last one brought me to tears....how often I think I must earn God's favor. Work harder. Manage my home better. Be a better mom. Wife....and then maybe God will let me stay at home. No amount of effort in the world will make God love me anymore or anyless. Period.

I am reminded once again of these words that I read so often. When I just can't look up anymore. When I lack faith in believing that you Lord you really know me. These remind me of how much you love me. The depth of love you have for me:

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Dear Friends please pray for my heart. For our hearts that we would be obedient to God's calling in our lives. That we would find joy no matter how difficult the circumstance, and that I would truly understand the depth of love God has for me. For all of us.

Go to this link and listen to this song by Laura Story. Heard it the other day and actually listened to the words for the first time...pretty much bawled:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ