Tired

I'm tired....

The last few weeks all seem like such a blur.  My head and my heart can hardly keep up.  Our house went up on the market a week ago and my timeline has looked something like this...

The week of April 23rd- Dave was officially offered his new job.  That week was spent getting contracts signed, and talking with each of our employers (between the 2 of us we have 4).  

The weekend after was spent decluttering and deep cleaning our house, only to have Dave and Abbie get sick and as the only well one in the house I kept plugging along, and reminded myself that I have an issue with being a borderline workaholic...I won't stop until a job is done whether that means working until 3AM or completing a task at 5PM.

I met with our realtor on Monday April 29th and our house officially went on the market on April 30th.  The rest of that week we had a few finishing touches to do- touch up interior trim, had someone come to clean carpets and we had to install a new garage door...we won't go there...I broke it :(  $600 later, it's fixed :( 

In that time we have had 5-6 people look at it and let me tell you, when I prayed and prayed for years for a new job opportunity for Dave so I could be home more with our kids, I had no idea what extra tasks would come with this request- keeping a house clean and show ready with a dog and toddler 247...geez!  All the prep to get our house ready, thinking about taking Abbie out of a school she loves, finding a new church in a new city, finding all new doctors (pediatricians, OB gyn or a midwife, dentists, chiropractor, etc), working full time while doing all of the above, trying to maintain my "feed my family a good meal" mentality and failing ridiculously (no worries I gave this one up almost asap....even making simple meals is proving to be hard but right now using disposable plates its saving my life!), taking care of myself through all this when I am trying so hard to keep up with everything else, trying to find a new place to live (do we rent do we buy...), and on top of all that I kid you not my dog is ridiculously anxious right now cause she knows something is up and so I promptly drugged her with benadryl to chill her out, and then being a vet tech asked one of my veterinarian bosses if we could up it a notch so I am now armed with sedatives if she gets too bad, and doggy Prozac...kid you not!  

It's so overwhelming that while my family sleeps....I'm not.  My mind is on overload and I know my problem.....I need to let it go and let God.  I can't control it.  I can't stop it and I can't do anything about it that I am not already doing.  Our houses sale won't pend on the tiny microscopic piece of dirt on the floor that I missed before a showing, we WILL find a place to live, we WILL find new doctors...it will all get taken care of.  

Dave starts his new job on May 23rd and at that time, he will be living with family in the suburbs and I will be here....a single mom during the week with a dog on Prozac and a 2 year old.....someone please lie to me and tell me that ISN'T insane to do.  I'm scared, I'm tired, and I need rest.  

Often times I feel guilty because I feel like I never really celebrated that God answered our prayers....because they came with contingencies that I didn't expect.  

Yesterday I found myself writing down the things that were annoying me so that I could instead list off how they are blessings instead of irritations, and it helped.  It really is all about our perspective and our choice to choose joy isn't it?

Though I'm tired, I don't have to be.  I'm tired because mentally I am trying to control all this "stuff" that I can't really control and I have to give it up and trust God with the outcome, or it might be months before I sleep again.

He wants to take care of me.  All of me and not just the parts that I let him.  

I find myself daily reminding myself of these verses:

Philippians 4:11-13

"I am not saying this because I am in need for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well fed or hungry whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

and this morning I found this verse and it brought such an amazing sense of peace to my heart:

Psalms 94:19

"When anxiety was great within me your consolation brought me joy."

He really does want to carry this burden for me, and whether I lose 100 hours of sleep throughout this process, or I worry all day long and cause my anxiety to spring up....He wants to shoulder it for me, if I will just let Him.  His word promises that He will take care of me...He cares for lilies and birds for goodness sake so of course he will take care of his children.

He will help us find a place to live....it might not be perfect, it might not be what we wish we could afford, but it will be exactly what we need right now.

He will give me the strength to be a single mom during the week for awhile....

He will help us find a new church, new friends, new doctors, etc....

He will help us sell our house whether now or next year....eventually it will sell.

He's got it.  It's his, not mine.

And so now I will go sweep off the patio one more time because we have another house showing later this afternoon....or better yet, I think I'm going to just let that go and sip my homemade coffee while I blog about it instead :)  

Blessings,

*Photo credit- http://www.w2wministries.org/2012/06/to-tired-mom.html