Picking Up the Pieces

A friend of mine recently told me she was expecting and asked for prayer.  She was struggling.  Felt awful and miserable and was just struggling to find the joy in her pregnancy.  She told me cause she knows I truly and fully get it.  She asked for prayer for an attitude change.  I told her if it was one thing I regret most during my pregnancy it was how quickly I turned inward to try and help myself and how seldom I turned to prayer and God's word.  The two things that would have helped me most were the hardest for me to turn to.

I confessed to Dave the other day that one of my biggest struggles during this pregnancy was feeling like God was punishing me for something.  Questioning Him what I did to deserve the way I felt for 9 months.  It's only been now that I recognized that for the lie that it was.  I questioned my worth.  And it's just been now, after the fact that I am once again grasping God NEVER stops loving His children.  Ever!

This past Sunday during worship at church I actually felt God's closeness again.  Something I haven't felt for 9 months.  At times He felt so far and I felt so alone.  Worship is hard for me.  I have a really hard time getting my mind in the right place.  Focusing.  Letting go of all the other things on my mind and truly just letting things be all about God in that moment. This morning was different.  He brought renewed hope and peace that I hadn't had in a long time.

photo credit

Hillsong's "This is Our God" was played.  As a tear dripped down my cheek, I felt Him there.  In a way I hadn't in a long time.  Flashes of the last 9 months came to mind as the words sunk in.  Brought healing that I didn't even know I needed.....

Your grace is enough.  More than I need

Yes God.  

I wait for you.  Draw near again.  And your spirit make me new.

It was here that the tears started to freely flow.  For so long I felt like God was so far away and this morning He whispered..."I was never gone.  I never asked you to do it on your own."  And though I know I fought and fought to take the battle on myself....He really had held me the whole time.  I was just fighting too hard to give in and let Him carry the burden for me.

The next song, Chris Tomlin's "Our God," and God just broke me....

Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
What could stand against.

And with that I knew, He didn't abandon me for 9 months to watch me suffer.  God doesn't promise happiness all the time.  God doesn't promise a life without struggles.  He doesn't even promise comfort.  But He is always greater.  Always stronger.  Always bigger than the hardest parts.  

He's bigger than cancer.  Bigger than a miscarriage.  Bigger than infertility.  Bigger than a spouse dying.  Bigger than a tragic car accident.  Bigger than a layoff.  Bigger than all of it.  

And though I have to be honest, I'm not really willingly signing up to have another nauseous filled pregnancy in the future.  We actually aren't sure what the future holds for our family and whether we are having more children or not, but I do know that if we do have another, God will carry me through it. 

In the middle of the hard things it's so easy to feel lost.  Alone.  Scared.  Feeling like there is nowhere to turn, but I encourage you, don't take your eyes off of Jesus for a moment.  For the one thing that is easiest to forget to do, is the only thing that will bring any hope to the deepest aches of your heart.

Blessings,

Beyond the Belly

(photo credit)

It's funny isn't it?  How one moment we can go from everyone telling us how cute our baby bump is, to finding ourselves looking into a hospital mirror at a stomach that now looks like a 3 month old wrinkly deflated balloon.  

I myself immediately go to thoughts of fear.  What if it doesn't go back?  What if I can't lose the baby weight?  What if, what if.....why?  Why do I care so much and to whom am I actually caring for?

My mind immediately reverts back to those junior high and high school feelings of wanting to be the most popular, pretty girl who always has a boyfriend.  The one who always gets asked to dances.  The one that everyone wants to be like.  The real fear here is if I do not fit (fill in the blank)_______________ criteria, then no one will want me.

Oh the desire of the female heart- to be loved, to be wanted, to feel secure.  It's been 12 years since I graduated high school, and 6 or 7 since I struggled with an eating disorder, and yet the most insecure areas of my heart still struggle with this.  I want to be loved.  Wanted.  Desired.

I want to feel lovely and beautiful.

How quickly satan can take such a beautiful thing like pregnancy, and birth and turn it into a thing to be feared.  How standing in line at a grocery store almost always guarantees a chance for someone to be judging the latest celebrities rapid post partum weight loss or lack thereof.  How once again the lies quickly tantalize and tease us into a comparison trap.  A comparison that we aren't good enough.  That our bodies are now flawed by lose skin and stretch marks instead of more beautiful because of the life that was birthed from them.

God's word is my anchor, and though my heart still struggles to believe it.  I must continue to put his word in front of me.  To truly accept and know His word is truth, and to name those thoughts of unworthiness, undesirable, unwanted, and unloved as exactly what they are....lies.

His word tells me....

 I am beautiful.  There is no flaw in me.
Song of Songs 4:7 (paraphrase)

He is enthralled by my beauty and to honor him for he is my lord
Psalm 45:11 (paraphrase)

I was created in His image (and last I knew God was perfect!)  He created me perfectly, and I am exactly who I am supposed to be.
Genesis 1:27 (paraphrase)

He knit me together before I was even born.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made and His works are wonderful.  Every single day of my life has been planned by Him before I ever even came into existence.
Psalm 139:13-16 (paraphrase)


This body birthed two lives.  Two little souls who have grown me in more ways in 3 years than I ever did in the previous 27.  Isn't that really what this life is all about anyway?  Living everyday for Him?  For my deepest desire in this life isn't to have a perfect body, the nicest home, or most successful job. No, my deepest desire is that one day, when this life is over, that I would meet my Jesus and hear him say "Well done good and faithful servant, well done."

Blessings,

Alexander Benjamin: An Unexpected Delivery!

He's here!  And that's right....our baby is a boy!

(before I go any further I should probably warn you.....I didn't hold back on many details of Alex's Birth Story.  So if you are a bit squeamish, well then don't say I didn't warn you later!)

Oh geez....Alex's Birth Story.  Where do I even begin?  There's something so intriguing about reading a birth story.  I never really cared about them until I was expecting my own child, but once I was, I loved reading them.  And when they are your own, each moment is so vivid, even the bad ones create memories impressioned on your heart and mind for forever.  It always amazed me that my own mom could recite each of her 5 children's birth dates, birth weights, lengths, and each personal story without hardly having to try to remember details.  Now I get it.  My own children's stories have impressioned my heart for forever.  

Alexander's birth story is definitely one I don't want to forget any details of.  There was absolutely nothing "normal" about it and if his entrance into the world is any sort of precursor of what surpises he will share with us in his life than I can assure you we are in for a wild ride!

Most of you know from my previous post that I was pretty done being pregnant after having insane nausea and heartburn for 9 months.  So when week 37 of my pregnancy arrived, and I knew our baby was finally full term, I was plotting all the ways I could get him or her out and into my arms so I could be done being pregnant!  My hopes were somewhat high but my dose of reality was that Abigail arrived almost a week overdue.  I didn't want to be too hopeful in that our second child would be more punctual.

On April 11th I started my first set of false labor contractions.  Timeable.  Getting hope filled.  Only for them to stop after 10 hours.  The next day yielded similar results.  Contractions for several hours.  Most timeable, only to stop.  I then do what all good mothers do....googled everything under the sun about false labor vs real labor, natural ways to induce labor, etc.  Of course this made me even more anxious.  I tried to fit in small prayers as I could to keep my focus on what was important, that this baby would come exactly in God's timing, but it was half hearted.  Every part of my being wanted to wish into existence that this pregnancy would be over...NOW!   Monday April 14th marked week 39 for me.  I had my appointment with my midwife that morning.  Hardly anything had changed.  I was a solid 2cm dilated, but everything else was the same.  Still for this being my second baby, things really could change at any second.  I just kept remembering Abbie's tardiness and 29 hours of labor and really hoped that wasn't the case for this baby.

The early morning hours of April 15th I remember tossing a bit in my sleep.  I had quite a bit of cramping that night and in efforts to potentially move things along had tried using a natural supplement that can help your body better prepare for labor called Evening Primrose Oil.  I awoke around 3:30 out of bed from the cramping with some timeable contractions for several hours.  I decided to do my morning workout around 7:30 and they stopped completely.  Abbie and I went to the bible study we attend on Tuesday mornings around 9:30 and my contractions started again while there.  Some braxton hicks, nothing intense.  Afterwards my friends watched Abbie while I did a few laps around the church to see if they continued.  Of course they stopped.  Abbie and I went home then and took a nap.  Our afternoon and early evening were pretty normal- playing, dinner, getting Abbie ready for bed, and the house was a bit chaotic so I decided to clean pretty much my entire weeks worth of cleaning in case baby did come.  We had been planning for Dave's parents to watch Abbie while we were at the hospital and I didn't want to leave our house in complete shambles for them.  Shortly after Abbie went to bed around 7:45 or 8PM I did have what the female world calls 'show."  I'll spare you details, but I practically ran singing out of the bathroom to tell Dave.  When I was due with Abbie, I had show and within 24 hours was in labor.  At that point I knew baby was coming, but also knew it may be a day or two.

We got Abbie off to bed and settled and I decided since I had had show, but no contractions I would sit on my birthing ball for awhile and see if I could get something started.  Within about 5 minutes my contractions started.  These were more than braxton hicks.  Definitely real, about 30-40 seconds in length and ranging anywhere from 4-7 minutes long.  Nothing abnormal to me.  They weren't hard.  With Abbie I had those type of contractions for 24 hours so I wasn't concerned.  I decided to take the dog on a short walk at about 8:30.  I decided at that point if my contractions did continue then I would call Dave's parents and tell them that I thought the baby was coming tonight but probably wouldn't actually give birth until the next day.  We had planned all along for Dave's parents to come, but also had a back up who lived 10 minutes away to watch Abbie if needed before they could arrive.  After my walk my contractions were about the same and I then knew this was definitely it.  I called his parents and they left by 9:30.  I knew they would arrive around 11:30 or 12.  I texted my friend Brit who was our nearby stand in to tell her to keep her phone close, but that we probably wouldn't need her since Dave's parents were on their way, but just in case we needed her in a hurry to be ready.  

From about 9:30-10PM I was finishing up some work things for my job at Hearts at Home.  Called my boss and gave her the last minute info she would need to take over any of my responsibilities in my absence.  I remember getting off the phone with her around 10PM and still laughing and talking.  Contractions were about the same.  Around 10:30 contractions started getting a little harder, couldn't talk through them very well, but still they were the same length apart and only about 30-40 seconds long.  Around 10:45 I called my friend Christy who was somewhat of a contact person for me during labor.  She also likes to have natural deliveries, and it's nice when you are in labor to have a person to call to encourage you to keep going, or ask questions to if needed.  I was having some symptoms that I wanted to ask her about.  During this period I was swaying back and forth holding my belly during contractions, and finally got to the point of dropping on all fours to take the weight off my back and pressure off my cervix.  After talking with her I knew we needed to go to the hospital now.  Dave called Brittany around 11PM and told her we needed her to come now.  I started feeling more pressure and knew if I didn't stay on all fours this baby was gonna come soon and we weren't going to make it to the hospital.  I continued to crawl around on all fours, breathing through contractions as necessary and throwing a few last items into my suitcase.  Dave was frantically packing the car.  At somewhere around 11:10 my water broke.  I cried out for Dave and knew immediately we weren't going to make it to the hospital.  I yelled to him that my water broke and he said "We can still make it..we have an hour!" (What?  Seriously...where did he come up with that?  I was like "No...we don't.  This baby is coming.  I need you to call an ambulance. "  Surprisingly I was pretty calm in my instructions to him.  Not yelling.  Just insistent.  He tried calling my midwife first which you have to go through an answering service to get to them.  The man from the answering service obviously didn't get the frantic urgency Dave was trying to impress on him so Dave hung up on them and then called 911.  Brittany arrived at 11:15.  She told me later she didn't think I was as far along as I said I was, but nevertheless did a great job of faking that she believed me.

After my water broke I crawled into the hallway onto the wood floor so I wouldn't make a mess on the carpet (Hey, what can I say....I'm a really nice laboring mama.  Even if no one else in my house believed me at that moment I knew I was giving birth at home so I might as well not have to clean up after it later!)  Brittany came and rubbed my back and reminded me to breath.  I sat on all fours as still as I could.  Afraid to move because I knew if I did anything else, the moment anything was stimulated this baby was coming and it was gonna be time to push.  I was trying to hold off until the paramedics got there.  After that I felt things coming.  I immediately fell to the ground on my side/back and let out the loud moanish, pushing groan/yelling grunt many of us I'm sure know very well.  (I really don't know how else to describe it....the outside world may think it's a scream but to the laboring women it's really not....its your bodies valiant effort to push with everything you have to bring life into this world).  Unfortunately at that moment I realize I am giving birth in front of my daughter's bedroom door, because her door opens and she runs out screaming.  Brittany later told me her first interaction with Abbie went something like this "Hi Abbie (fake excited smile on Brittany's face) mommy is having the baby!  Mommy is ok, don't worry!"  (Even though to the 3 year old it probably looked like her mother was dying on the floor!)  Dave stepped over me and whisked Abbie away.  At that point I ripped my pants off and started pushing.  It was at this point (Brittany later told me) that she finally started to believe me when she saw the head crowning.  I had nothing to brace my feet on to push so finally reached down to help pull the baby out and with one or two more pushes, pushed him out as Brittany grabbed him.  Dave was still on the phone with the dispatcher at the time and quickly his plea went from please send an ambulance to, the baby was just born!  The dispatcher named the time of birth as 11:23PM.  Brittany laid him on top of me after he was born, swept his mouth out as best as she could and made sure he started crying.  She told me it was a boy, and all my fears of being a boy mom just felt neutral in that moment.  There was no feeling of disappointment.  Just relief.  Acceptance that God had always known that this baby was a boy and that he gave Him to me for good reason.

I laughed later that at this point I asked Dave for towels to cover up.  After all I basically was baring all to my friend on the floor in our hallway.  The funny part comes in the fact that Dave handed me a white towel.  Anyone who knows my type A tendencies will not be surprised at my response to this.  I looked at him and said "Not the white ones!"  His prompt reply was "Bridget, we will buy new!"  Haha!  I think it's hilarious that I even cared about such a thing during this whole situation!

The paramedics arrived about 5 minutes after he was born and brought with them what looked to be a small army.  They tried to fit 5 or 6 men in our hallway where Brit and I were already taking up some of the not very large amount of space.  I wasn't the most coherent at this point.  I remember being in pain because I hadn't delivered the placenta yet and was still getting somewhat strong contractions.  Alex sitting on top of me was making me more painful, but we couldn't move him until they cut his umbilical cord.  Both Brit and I realized relatively quickly that many of these paramedics were relatively green when it came to their knowledge of Birth and Newborn Care 101.  She heard one say as he was getting ready to cut the cord, "6 inches right?" to one of the other paramedics.  Then slowly counted off what must of been his approximate 6 inch mark.  Brit was just like "seriously guys, come on!"

I believe I was in an out of a conscience shocky state at that point.  I remember bits and pieces.  I don't think I ever really passed out, but the state of shock I was in left me remember only parts of everything after Alex was born.  Brit told me later that one of the paramedics accidentally kicked me in the head as they were maneuvering around me in the hallway.  Evidently I grabbed my face and moaned "ow!"  I found this to be hilarious as Dave, Brit, and I all shared bits and pieces of the story later on so we could fully make sense of each of our perspectives at the scene.

I remember that I kept looking at Brittany and crying for different reasons, the first was tears of " I can't believe I just did that to my friend."  The second was tears of "I'm so thankful she is here to help me make sure he is ok until the paramedics arrive."  The third was my being in disbelief that everything that just happened, actually happened!  I kept apologizing to her and saying "I'm so sorry Brit!"

I'm pretty sure that our entire condo and surrounding condos knew what was happening.  My neighbors of course heard my loud "screams/groans."

I don't remember much from the ride to the hospital either.  I was still contracting from not having delivered the placenta and finally I decided enough is enough and took care of that problem myself on the ambulance.  The paramedics wouldn't touch me to help me deliver it and I was sick of still contracting.  I immediately felt better after it was out!  The one main thing I remember about the drive there was after I delivered the placenta, one of the paramedics then was shuffling through cupboards on the ambulance to find something to put the placenta in and came up with something that was about 2 x the size of a dixie cup......yeah, right sir, that is not gonna help!

They checked us over at the hospital and after some fluids and IV ibuprofen I felt much better.  Alex was healthy as a horse and weighed in at 8# 12oz and 21 1/2 inches long.  I didn't have any tearing and finally was starting to come out of my shocky state and feel a bit more coherent.

We are so blessed to have all been ok.  Though Alex's birth story wasn't a planned one, it was perfect.  He's perfect.

Before our baby arrived I was afraid.  Afraid of being a boy mom.  I was confident it was a girl.  From the moment he arrived I knew it would be ok.  God has equipped me to be the perfect mom to Abigail and Alexander and though I know often times I will feel insufficient, I know He will provide more than enough for me to be the best mom I can be for each of them.

Now, just a week or so later, I'm loving being his mommy.  He is the sweetest baby.  Such an amazing nurser, sleeper, and both Dave and I are pretty content with our family.  A boy and a girl!  We honestly never thought we'd have one of each, and I can't wait to see all that God has in store for our littles in the years to come! 

Blessings,

Oh Those Darn Contractions!

Oh end of pregnancy!  You always confuse me.  Yesterday I had contractions at irregular intervals from about 1PM until I went to bed last night around 10:30.  Some felt like Braxton Hicks, but many of them were much stronger, real contractions that I know without doubt were real.  They were the ones that wrap around your entire middle from back, to front and up your abdomen.  They aren't painful until you are much further along in labor, but I know without a doubt they were real so what gives?  Every "textbook" labor ever says real contractions start out, are in regular intervals, and get closer together and stronger, then why do so many women have different contractions than that?  I have a friend who for the entire 24 hours before her baby came had contractions like I just had yesterday.....difference is, she got a baby out of the deal the next day....I, well at least at this point I do not :(  Maybe tonight :)

Just to be safe last night I cleaned up the house a little more and then went to bed (Hey you know you would have done it too!  I have people coming to stay with Abbie while we are gone so I don't want to leave my house a total pig pen :)  They must have stopped shortly after.  The bright side- I got a really good nights sleep!

The last of my "pregnant around the same time as me" friends had her baby yesterday.  I've been here before so I should be used to this feeling, but dangit I am only 39 weeks and my mind says "they had all their babies early!  Please let me be one of them!"  With Abbie I never remember having real contractions like I had yesterday up until the day I had her.  I had braxton hicks at the end with her, and because I'd never had a baby before, there were a few times when I had braxton hicks that we were counting and missed things for cause we thought it might be the real thing for.  In hindsight, I know they weren't real contractions, but after you've had one baby you know.  I remember asking people "How will I know it's the real thing?"  And most of what I heard was "You will just know,"  and they would try and describe what they felt like to me.  You really just can't know until you actually are experiencing it.

Today we are watching my friend from church's kids so and her hubby can go out on a date.  Yesterday she asked if I would rather just rest and honestly....my chances of this baby coming out sooner are much higher if I am running around with 3 boys and my own daughter for a few hours, rather than sitting on my butt!

This baby will come.  They all do.  This is just the point in pregnancy when patience gets hard.  Anxiety heightens and self confidence starts to plummet.

I must keep reminding myself of this:

Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I just have to keep reminding myself that God's got a specific date and time in mind already.  He knows exactly how my labor will go.  He knows when in labor I'll start doubting myself.  He's got this.  He wrote out all the details long ago, and I need to let Him tell His story cause I know, without doubt, it will be beautiful.

Blessings,

I Owe You an Update- Catching Up On Life!

9 months.....really?  Has it been that long?  My perfectionist side says "that is ridiculous!"  My reality says "Are you really that surprised?"

You see, I've been gone for well....9 months (in case you hadn't noticed...ha!).

The last news I left you with was that we were in the middle of trying to sell our house- I staying in our old home and continuing to work and take care of Abigail, and Dave moving in temporarily with family in the Chicago suburbs and commuting home on the weekends.  Life was exhausting.  My hope was slim.  I was scared.  So scared of all the what if's if our home didn't sell.  Quickly tiring of being a single mom, yet clinging tightly to the little hope that I had to trust that God really is in control.

Well our home did indeed sell in early July 2013.  Just a little over 2 months after we put it on the market.  To the owner who is in a hurry to sell, it felt like an eternity.  The reality?  Well under the average length a  home is typically on the market for.  Our closing date was set for August 12th.  Yikes?  6 weeks to pack up a house while working full time, and being a single mom?  Not only that but now we had to find a place to move ourselves to.  My hubby had been looking at homes in the Chicagoland area with a Realtor so we could at least have an idea what was out there when our house did sell.  We were not in a situation to be able to afford two mortgages so we were stuck until we sold our first home.  With a green light on our home having sold, passing all inspections, etc we proceeded at looking for new homes.  We quickly realized (not to our surprise at all) that affording a house was out of the question in the Chicago area.  We knew the value of our home and lower taxes in our current town was much lower than that of any home in Chicago.  So we started looking at townhomes and condos.  Renting was even more expensive then buying some of the condos and townhomes we could find and we knew we would much rather invest in something than waste money on rent if we could afford it.  I really had little say in picking out a house.  I had to trust Dave.  He narrowed down what we could afford and I came up one day to look at his narrowed selection.  We chose and made a final offer on one of those places.  I must say for as much of a control freak as I can be he did a good job.  He stayed within our budget, picked an affordable place in a good/safe community, and to be honest there is more square footage in our condo than was in our house.  Our lifestyle has changed a bit- I miss our yard a lot, but to buy a house with a yard here before we could save more for one, would mean us spending outside of our means so for now, we choose to be content and thankful for our little place.

Now not only did God provide a buyer for our old house, but to also provide us a new, affordable place to live so quickly was a huge answer to prayer.  The negotiation process on our condo took much longer than our house and several other offers came in at the same time.  Some even higher than ours, but they chose us....because they had strung us along for us so long in the process!  Praise God!  We closed on our old house on August 12th, the new condo on August 13th and were able to start moving in on August 14th.  Dave's new company provided a relocation allowance which covered EVERYTHING for our move...including them packing up most of our stuff which left me...a single mom working full time stress free as I just threw out what I wanted to when I had time and said pack up the rest.  God OVER provided, in a way He didn't need to, but chose to.  I was so incredibly humbled by his provision in the process.  And so very grateful that He chose to show me how powerful He really is in such a way.  So many things in the entire process were out of my control that I had no choice but to step back and say "God, thy will be done."  And He did.  Perfectly.  Even if He hadn't provided in this way He would still be good.  And then a funny thing happened....

Just two days before moving on August 10th, we found out we were expecting Baby #2.  We'd been talking all summer about how we both felt like we should start trying for #2 in July/August whether the house sold or not.  Funny thing it is....thinking about getting pregnant when your husband is only home on the weekends.  How's that work :)  Regardless God's timing is perfect.  We were both excited.

Immediately upon moving in, I set to work getting as much painting done as possible, because with Abbie's pregnancy my nausea set in at full force at 6 weeks and though  most of you didn't know me then....I had pretty bad nausea throughout my whole pregnancy with her.  I got most of the painting done before 6 weeks (thank you netflix, sesame street, pbs kids, and disney channel for babysitting Abbie during that time!)  Then the nausea hit.  Full force.  I kept telling myself just get to 12 weeks.  It will get better (Abbie's got much better at 16 or 17 weeks, but there was some improvement at 12 so I figured I could at least look forward to something).  12 weeks came and went...no relief.  I hoped for relief at 16 or 17 weeks again like with Abbie....both came and went...nothing.  Finally right around Thanksgiving when I was around 22 weeks, I felt some relief.  Still pretty nauseous.  Still heartburn, but much improved.  My appetite this pregnancy has been horrible.  Food aversions- worse than last.  I had high hopes of trying to eat a Brewer's type pregnancy diet this pregnancy...ha!  I gave that up almost as quickly as the idea came into my head.  Everything I used to write about on here before....making homemade, nutritious meals for my family....out the window.  Our diets quickly became processed frozen meals and anything else I could stomach making.  I could hardly stand the smell or sight of raw meat, and vegetables.  Onions, sausage, and garlic were particular aversions.  I just ate what I could keep down which was little.  It was during this time that I realized how much I had prided myself in taking care of my family in this way.  That much of my self worth came in this form, and when it was taken away and I couldn't do it anymore I was devastated.  I knew God had something for me even in this.  On a daily basis I was basically begging God to not let me go through pregnancy again because of how horrible mine are.  My second trimester burst of energy never came.  I spent much of Abbie and I's mornings together trying to still sleep, rarely having any energy to do anything.  The poor kid has watched so much TV since moving here that I felt awful as a mom.

I entered my third trimester much the same way I entered my second- still nauseous, still heartburn though less than in the first trimester, and still tired.  I entered this state of not entirely depression, but definitely a "funk."  I gave up.  Which in someways was good- I needed to give myself grace, lower my expectations, but I also know I entered a stage of "if I can't do anything well, I won't do anything at all."

My heartburn and nausea have been 100 x worse this pregnancy than last, and last time wasn't really great.  To be honest that was one of the reasons I didn't want to have our children close together....I didn't want to be pregnant again.  I hated it.  I'll be honest.  Much of this pregnancy I was struggling to look at the glass as half full.  It's really hard to do so when you find yourself staring at a toilet bowl numerous times a day, but when I was about 33 weeks pregnant, I finally had a chat with one of the other moms in our bible study.  She too struggles with severe hyperemesis (high levels of nausea and vomiting) during pregnancy.  They just welcomed their 3rd baby into the world in December, and are already talking about trying for #4 later this year.  One day I looked at her in all honesty out of the most raw areas of my heart said

"How do you do it?  I know I am supposed to continue to have joy despite my circumstances, but I can't find it.  How do you do it?  How do you not feel guilty as a mom puking your guts out, having no energy, feeling unable to cook for your family at all for 9 months, and basically feeling "not there" for almost a year of your life?"  

Her answer was simple, yet profound to me...

"I pray.  A lot.  I read scriptures to get me through it, and at the end of it all I know that holding that child in my arms, that this....even this...will have all been worth it."

Her response struck me and even though I sobbed to her that I can't do this she encouraged me that I can, and that I am and that I will finish.  That soon I too will get too hold that baby in my arms and this....this will all pass away and be gone and I will be greeted with precious smiles and coos, and tiny flailing arms and legs and another baby to call mine.  To love on and welcome into our family.  So with that, I choose joy.  I still struggle with some of my same thoughts, but daily by His grace I'm trying to seek out joy instead.  Contentment.  Finding the blessings that are, instead of what aren't, and trusting His good and perfect will.  You see without the severe sickness this pregnancy I wouldn't have learned how much of my self worth I found in taking care of my family in tangible ways, instead of in my nothingness, finding that even now...Jesus still finds me as worthy and loved.  That my husband isn't disappointed that I can't do it.  That what's really important is that my family gets fed not that my family eats whole, organic, homemade food all the time.  Jesus scarified His life.  My sacrifice is nothing compared to that and in that I take comfort that Jesus may not have ever experienced morning sickness, but He knew pain.  He knew hard.  He knew sacrifice to the point of death and it is with that that I received encouragement in these last few weeks to press on.  To know that labor and delivery are no easy task, but that He too will give me strength to press on even in that.

To say it's been a crazy busy year is an understatement, I won't go into too many details, but our year also consisted of...

• some remodeling projects gone bad that pretty much forced us to live on a partial concrete floor for almost 2 months.  It is now finished...praise God!
• God provided 2 new job opportunities for me working part time as a Facility Manager at the Veterinary Technology school I graduated from filling in temporarily for a few months last fall, and through that job provided me with a temporary teaching job for a veterinary assistant class during January and February of this year.

I want to be really honest with you, much if not all of my silence this past 9 months has been out of shame.  Shame because I didn't have it all together and I didn't want to share that with all of you.  Shame that I couldn't handle my crazy hectic life.  Shame that I wasn't perfect and I didn't want you to know that, but lately I've felt God nudging me.  To be real.  To be honest.  Share my real, messy life with each of you.  Because here in this space somehow God meets me.  God encourages me here when I'm honest and open.  I've missed writing.  Missed sharing, and now, though I know we are about to welcome a new baby into our home, and things will be crazier than ever, that I don't have to be afraid of that, because none of you wants fake, sugar coated life.  You want real and raw.  To know that my heart, really isn't too far from your own.  That I too struggle.  That I also am not perfect, and that somehow here in this space you can find peace, knowing you aren't alone in your struggles either.

So where am I at today?  Well Monday marked 38 weeks into this pregnancy.  Here is a picture from some maternity photos we took this weekend.

I am due in just 2 weeks, and praying that this baby comes on or before his or her due date.  Some days I still struggle with being discontent- knowing I'm not the happy pregnant women that I often feel people expect me to be or probably what is more so the case.....what I expect myself to be.  Mostly right now I am happy that the end is near.  That soon my nausea and heartburn will be over, and I'll have a sweet baby to hold in my arms and realize that this....even this....was all worth it.

Blessings,