Picking Up the Pieces

A friend of mine recently told me she was expecting and asked for prayer.  She was struggling.  Felt awful and miserable and was just struggling to find the joy in her pregnancy.  She told me cause she knows I truly and fully get it.  She asked for prayer for an attitude change.  I told her if it was one thing I regret most during my pregnancy it was how quickly I turned inward to try and help myself and how seldom I turned to prayer and God's word.  The two things that would have helped me most were the hardest for me to turn to.

I confessed to Dave the other day that one of my biggest struggles during this pregnancy was feeling like God was punishing me for something.  Questioning Him what I did to deserve the way I felt for 9 months.  It's only been now that I recognized that for the lie that it was.  I questioned my worth.  And it's just been now, after the fact that I am once again grasping God NEVER stops loving His children.  Ever!

This past Sunday during worship at church I actually felt God's closeness again.  Something I haven't felt for 9 months.  At times He felt so far and I felt so alone.  Worship is hard for me.  I have a really hard time getting my mind in the right place.  Focusing.  Letting go of all the other things on my mind and truly just letting things be all about God in that moment. This morning was different.  He brought renewed hope and peace that I hadn't had in a long time.

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Hillsong's "This is Our God" was played.  As a tear dripped down my cheek, I felt Him there.  In a way I hadn't in a long time.  Flashes of the last 9 months came to mind as the words sunk in.  Brought healing that I didn't even know I needed.....

Your grace is enough.  More than I need

Yes God.  

I wait for you.  Draw near again.  And your spirit make me new.

It was here that the tears started to freely flow.  For so long I felt like God was so far away and this morning He whispered..."I was never gone.  I never asked you to do it on your own."  And though I know I fought and fought to take the battle on myself....He really had held me the whole time.  I was just fighting too hard to give in and let Him carry the burden for me.

The next song, Chris Tomlin's "Our God," and God just broke me....

Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
What could stand against.

And with that I knew, He didn't abandon me for 9 months to watch me suffer.  God doesn't promise happiness all the time.  God doesn't promise a life without struggles.  He doesn't even promise comfort.  But He is always greater.  Always stronger.  Always bigger than the hardest parts.  

He's bigger than cancer.  Bigger than a miscarriage.  Bigger than infertility.  Bigger than a spouse dying.  Bigger than a tragic car accident.  Bigger than a layoff.  Bigger than all of it.  

And though I have to be honest, I'm not really willingly signing up to have another nauseous filled pregnancy in the future.  We actually aren't sure what the future holds for our family and whether we are having more children or not, but I do know that if we do have another, God will carry me through it. 

In the middle of the hard things it's so easy to feel lost.  Alone.  Scared.  Feeling like there is nowhere to turn, but I encourage you, don't take your eyes off of Jesus for a moment.  For the one thing that is easiest to forget to do, is the only thing that will bring any hope to the deepest aches of your heart.

Blessings,