Hard Blessings

I felt that way for awhile.  Constantly on edge.  Striving to control.  Craving some sense of structure.  I remembered back to a few years ago, when I was struggling with the same, and was so blessed by a book called One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp.  Within her pages, Ann pens beautiful poetic words as she shares her story of God changing her heart from one of bitterness, and hardened discontent, to one overflowing with joy, and beauty.  The funny thing, not a single thing about her circumstances changed.  He changed her.  He changed her perspective. He opened her eyes to see through His lens beauty even in hard.

After reading that book I was challenged, and I too found ways to find joy and praise Him even in the hard, but time went on.  Life happened.  My own lens grew clouded, and the scales formed over my eyes.  My vision was distorted and that old all too familiar feeling of discontent, and bitterness started to creep in once more.  Desperate for change I tried willing myself to be joyful.  I tried again and again in the frustrating daily grind to find joy, but kept falling short.  Fell short, because I was trying to be my own answer.  I was trying to have the strength to find joy on my own.  I forgot one important piece of the puzzle....Him.  I can't be truly joyful without Him.  Now don't get me wrong, I have always had Him since the day I became a Christian, but my walk ebbs and flows just like anyone's.  I get proud, and walk ahead of Him.  Rely on myself.  Do it on my own, and He just keeps facing me back toward Him.  I picked up that book again a few weeks ago, and was so challenged once more.  To find true joy we must thank Him....even for the bitter cup.  We must praise Him even in the hard.  We must know Him more to the depth of our being, that He is good.  He is always good.  It's practice.  It's a daily choice.  A shift in perspective to see life through His lens, and all that is good.  It's finding joy in simple moments, that if I am not careful, all too often quickly pass by.  It's there in those moments that I am humbled.  That I praise Him.  Praise Him for things otherwise left unnoticed.  Praise Him for the something that comes out of nothing.  For He put it there to bless.  He is a God of details, of beautiful intricate details.

This morning I had a few moments to myself to pen some of my own simple blessings.  Blessings I was overlooking before.  Some of them even felt suffocating at times, but as I am coming to realize once again, it's all in my perspective.  Seeing the world and this life He has given me through His lens brings blessing.  A heart full....

• Tiny trains scattered about on the kitchen floor
• Daughters bouncy curly mane of endless energy
• Midnight mama snuggles
• Sweet tiny curled fingers around strong hands
• Early morning hours in a quiet house
• Steaming first sips of coffee

A month ago the scattered trains and toys everywhere drove me crazy.  The bouncy mane of curls that belongs to my daughter was too much energy for me to handle.  Those midnight mama snuggles were becoming daunting and irritating when I was only focused on wanting to sleep, and how my time was being interrupted.  Those tiny fingers....it had been so long since I took notice to even see how much those fingers have even grown.  My sweet boy, is just that....a little boy.  No longer babe.  Small man child that I hope to raise to be able to stand up strong in the world someday.  Who someday will have his own strong hands with tiny curled fingers intertwined.  But today....today those tiny hands scattered trains about, and made train whistle sounds to his hearts content, asked mama to play, and read books, and that same sweet boy screamed at my feet when I made lunch, and screamed at my feet after his nap.  Begged me for cookies with tears turned tantrum, and had multiple timeouts yesterday, but see....it is good.  It is all good, and His heart desires me to find fullest joy even in tears turned tantrum, and late afternoon witching hour screams.  

Do you see?  Do you see how easy it is to focus on bad?  To turn bitter.  To turn cold.  To lose life.  I don't want that life.  It's a daily struggle to choose joy.  To choose intention.  To choose to live the life He has asked me to live with joy, not bitterness.  On my own, I cannot find true joy, but through Him I can.  He changes hearts.  He digs out weeds and removes thorns.  He heals deep wounds, and gives new life.  

Friends if you also struggle with true joy would you join me?  Consider purchasing a copy of Ann's book to aid you in your journey, or check out a copy from your local library.  Then challenge yourself everyday to look beyond the surface and thank Him, truly thank Him for the blessings He has placed in your life...big or small, and let Him change your heart to see life through His lens.  It's not about always being happy.  It's not about feeling bad when you are sad or angry.  It's about giving up those feelings to Him, and entrusting that this...even this, He intends to use for good. 

I know that I'll spend the rest of my life practicing, and I won't get it right time and time again, but I won't give up trying.  I won't stop letting Him change me, because the life I strive for here really is a tiny spot in comparison to eternity.  Those moments of tears turned tantrum that make me want to scream myself, are moments as I let Him turn my heart to thanksgiving towards Him, that I'm learning who He really is.  That my Father does this for me, for us, time and time again.  That His love and patience with us, His own children, is the most beautiful form of love there could ever be.  Without flaw.  Full of grace.  Unconditional love.  He could do nothing else, and that right there is a life full of blessing.

Be blessed,

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To!

Somewhere along the line my birthday started to lose its luster.  Not because I'm afraid of the number.  Although I will admit larger numbers, linked to my age feel funny to me, only because I realize I am now the age my own mom was when she had me.  Weird.  It's not scary to me though...yet!  I'm notorious for not even remembering my own age in all honesty, and actually surprised I haven't forgotten my own birthday yet!  

This year was no different than any other.  I knew my birthday was coming (as it does every year :), but with us making preparations for Dave's family to visit us over Thanksgiving, and my birthday falling on the day they were leaving, I knew it would be a whirlwind weekend, and I myself thought I may even be guilty of forgetting it this year :)  Alas I remembered though.  The morning of my birthday was the last day that Dave's family would be there.  Dave was going back to work after the extended holiday weekend, and the kids and I would be dropping his parents and brother off at the airport midday.  

As I got out of bed and headed downstairs, I realized Dave's mom had already brought Alex downstairs to feed him breakfast...what a blessing, but as with any morning, the blessing of that moment quickly turned into irritation as I entered the kitchen, and the first words out of Abbie's mouth were "Can you turn my cartoons on?"  Followed by Alex's whines to get out of his highchair now that I was in view.  My detour to grab coffee first was quickly interrupted by more requests for cartoons, food, clothes to change into, and whining.  I was silent.  Internally starting to simmer, externally going through motions and making requests as I held back my irritation to "please say please", "one moment please", "let's get dressed first", and so on....I went into grab clean clothes out of the dryer, (for the mountain of unfolded clean laundry was my only option for clean clothes at the moment :).  As I was squatting down digging in the dryer,  Alex came up to give me a hug from behind, and bit me right in the middle of the back, and at that moment I started to cry.  I yelled at him and probably flicked him in the mouth in the process for doing so...I can't remember, but dangit.....something that continually baffles me about raising kids is how I can go from having a big smile on my face to crying angry bitter tears in a moment.  I wiped the tears from my cheeks and shook it off.  Picked him up and proceeded to go get my coffee.  Dave was downstairs preparing to leave at that point, and we were fixing our coffee next to each other.  I wanted to swallow it all.  Stuff it.  Not even bring up my birthday, and see who actually remembered, but then I knew what would happen.  I would wallow in that all day, and get more and more angry that no one remembered, and chances are, someone did, but it was just a busy weekend, and if they did forget, who can fault anyone for that?  We all have a lot on our plates, and so I swallowed my pride, and whispered "Guess what today is?" to him.  He smiled, and whispered back "Happy Birthday." A few minutes later as I was preparing my own breakfast I heard a chorus of voices beginning to sing "Happy Birthday" to me, and I looked up, and all I could see were the two sweet faces of the children I treasure most in the world, who moments ago made me so mad, now looking at me with sweet, beautiful, innocence, and a great depth of love for their mama.  That's it.  That moment I had just had where Abbie was demanding and annoying, and Alex was whining and bit me was long over in both of their minds.  I was the only one who still cared.  I was the only one holding onto bitterness and unforgiveness.  It was there in that moment that I realized....I am so blessed, and moments ago my heart had been hard and angry, and now my eyes brimmed with tears as I smiled at the simplicity of this blessed moment. 

Our lives as moms seem to be filled with endless demands and sacrifice.  Constantly giving until we are depleted with no reserves to draw from, and then in moments like this, we realize that our children may not ever give us a thing in return for what we have sacrificed for them, and we find a way within that to realize just how blessed we really are.  

They aren't perfect, but then again we aren't perfect children either.  When I find myself shaking my head at something my children do, or I feel like a broken record repeating the same instruction to my kids over and over again, I am humbled to realize how patient, and loving my own Savior is with me.  He gave everything for us, and yet still delights in us no matter how many mistakes we make, and how little we give in return.  That is the beauty of the gospel, and God continues to use my children to remind me of the depth of love He has for me.

My birthday was perfect,  Not defined by balloons, or cake, or lots of presents.  It was perfect because of the imperfect things that make up my life.  Those, imperfect moments, and more importantly, those imperfect people are the most beautiful parts of me.

Blessings,

 

When You Wake Up Hating Life As A Mom

Photo Credit: http://www.mybubblog.org/forgive-yourself

Some days I just can't shake it off.  I try.  I pray.  I pray harder, but so many days in my life as a mom, it seems like the deck is stacked against me.  I'm not sure why that surprises me anymore, because let's be honest, the deck IS stacked against us.  Why would satan want us to wake up joyful, and ready to take on the day?  Why wouldn't he attack us with rough sleepless nights, multiple children being up and down all night, and one that wakes up yet again before your alarm even does....why wouldn't he?!?!  

I don't know why I fight it anymore, instead of just expect it.  It isn't a matter of whether or not he will try and attack me and kick me down and make me feel useless and guilty as a mom, because He will.  It's more so a matter of beginning to anticipate the attack, and being prepared for it.  Spending time with my Savior, and filling my heart with His word.  Laying my own agenda down, and when I say this I mean truly, and utterly laying it down, because all too often I come to Him, and I think I lay it down, but I really haven't.  My prayers are more like whispered demands, than they are true heartfelt, cries out to God to give me strength, because I really can't do this on my own.

You know the prayers.....

"God I just can't do this today.  I'm tried, and they won't listen!  I'm so sick of the disobedience, would you please just help them listen to me..."

Hmmm....

Would be nice if they chose to listen, but I'm realizing that these uttered prayers, are selfish prayers that would help me feel in control if my children listened, obeyed, etc.  Really?  I don't need more control.  I fight for my own control all the time, what I need is to trust that Jesus is bigger even than this, and that He is ALWAYS in control.  He knows my children's hearts.  He knows His plans for each of us, and maybe just maybe His desire through this hard thing..this moment of me being unable to control my child's behavior is really about Him making me, and my children more holy, not happy.

I struggle a lot with mom guilt.  When I worked outside of the home I felt guilty for spending time away from my child, and putting her in daycare.  Now that I work from home I feel guilty being distracted with work sometimes, and focusing on that when I need to be.  Really and truly, whether we work from home, stay home, or work away from home, satan doesn't want you to find joy in Christ.  He's going to attack, and steal regardless of your circumstances, but in Christ friends, there is true joy, despite where you are right now.  He will fill your heart, and be strong in your weakness if you truly lay it down, and ask Him.

Reality is, there is a deep spiritual battle going on here.  I love this article entitled "Parenting Means Wrestling Demons."  Seriously....game changer...to start anticipating the battle instead of being surprised by it.  Not to live in a glass half empty mentality, but to recognize that there is going to be a battle helps to lower my expectations of the day, instead of expecting everything to be perfect and to go as planned all the time...it won't.  To really and truly "be more surprised when things go well, rather than when they go badly."

Really these battles are sometimes so mundane, and stupid, that it may not be a battle all the time in my children, but a battle on me.  How can satan get to me today?  How can he get me to lose it with my kids?  To be so encompassed and paralyzed by being irritated at all the mundane things I need to do, and make me completely ineffective in the ministry that God has placed before me?

This work moms....is significant.  It matters.  I was actually just reading this article this morning, and loved how the author, Jennifer Rothschild says this:


"If you don’t think about it, you can react to the immediacy of a situation and, consequently, overreact to your kids. But, if you respond to the ultimate, you are reacting less to a situation and more to a soul. Your kid’s souls. That is the ultimate goal of parenting, isn’t it? We want to nurture and shape the souls of our kids."


Oh how often I just react. One moment I can be completely content, and full of joy, and the next I'm steaming mad over a cascade of events from little ones that took mere moments to reach. Not to sound all cliche, ridiculous crazy Jesus lady here, but oh my goodness....I need more of Him, and less of me. I literally CANNOT do this without Him. Not well anyway, and so I pray, and continue to pray, sometimes in tears, on my knees in the middle of my kitchen floor, "God, give me strength to do your will, not mine today. Give me grace to be your hands and feet, and glorify you in all that I do and say.  Lord help me to shape and nurture these little souls that you have entrusted to me."

One day at a time mamas, we can do this...not because of us, but because of Him!

Blessings,

I Miss My Friends

I miss my friends. 

(My apologizes for the crappy photo girls....this is the best I could find!)

I wasn't really sure what would be the hardest part of this move, and so far that has seemed to be at the forefront of my mind.  It's not that I don't miss my family.  I do, but let's be honest.....I already lived 2 to 2 1/2 hours away from them so I didn't get to see them every week.  Sometimes I would go a few months without seeing them, so though I'm farther away now, it's not much different than it was before.  My friends back in the Chicago suburbs however....these are the people I did life with on a daily basis-  moms groups, play dates, girls nights, etc.  (And if you are my family and you actually read my blog...please don't be offended.  You know I love you, and I call you all my friends as well and I miss you a lot!)

It's funny how for so long I prayed for relationships like that in my own community.  I had friends, but many of my closest friends lived out of state, so to connect with them on a regular basis was hard.  I prayed for a long time for God to bring me friendships like I had with the girls I just moved away from, and right when I was getting comfortable....my comfort was taken away.

I suppose it's good though.  I started going to a women's bible study this week that is talking about our idols, and it's been eye opening already, as I start to realize what idols I have in my own life.  In this particular study it's talking about idols being defined as anything we put above and before God.  I realize now that I often times seek out affirmation and validation from others, and though I've grown a lot in these areas, I still have growing to do.  I am a people pleaser by nature.  I want people to like me.  I don't want to offend anyone, and often times I run to my friends first for encouragement and help before I run to God.  He wants me to be in fellowship.  He wants us to share our hearts and be real with others, but nothing...no, nothing is ever to take the place of Him being our #1.  So this distance....this being taken out of my comfort zone...it's a good thing, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

The first time I cried after moving was in church on Sunday as I sat in a room and worshiped with people I didn't know.  This morning I attended my first MOPS groups ever (if you don't know about MOPS you should check it out here.  It's an amazing moms group that helps you get connected, and they are located all over the place!).  It was good.  I knew I needed to be there, but I was having a hard time talking this morning (very uncharacteristic of me :) I felt my throat well up, and my eyes brim with tears several times just at the overwhelming and daunting feeling of what making new friends actually means.

Making new friends is messy.  It's hard.  It's letting down your guard and being real and raw in the broken places of your heart.  It's not knowing when you've said too much, or too little, because you don't know these people yet.  You fear being judged.  You fear being ridiculed.  You fear being not enough.  All the while your heart screams "please just love me for me!"  You so desperately want to be loved.  To be enough.  To just be you.  Past hurts come to mind from previous friendships and throw arrows at you, making you not want to be open and real.  And it's in moments like that, that you have a choice.  You have a choice to take a risk.  Or you you have a choice to just be and stay closed off.  I've been both before, and though I know the task of building friendships is a hard one, I know now from being on both sides in the past that taking the risk is worth it.  For God truly blessed me by letting my guard down with my friends back in the Chicago suburbs.  For every raw part of my heart I shared, He opened more doors to women that struggled with the same.  My courage, gave them courage.  In the moments in my life where I didn't want to take the risk I became very self centered and asked things like "Well what have they done for me?"  Friends this isn't supposed to be so...Jesus came to serve, not be served.  He laid down His life for us. and so, though making friends can be hard....I would much rather take the risk of having to deal with the hard parts of relationships sometimes, than to be alone and miss out on the blessings God has for me through these new friends.

For as I look back, I've gotten through some pretty tough stuff with some pretty amazing friends....fights, boys (and fights over boys :), hurt feelings, harsh words, long distance moves...heck one even delivered my baby on accident!  Some of those relationships have stood strong through some of the rockiest times, and it was pressing through those jagged, sharp rocks that made us stronger.  I am so incredibly grateful that we chose to press on.

So to my new friends...whoever you are, thank you in advance for loving me for me.  Thank you for speaking truth into my life, for being a shoulder to cry on when my heartaches, and just choosing to do life with me in this moment even if my life looks different than yours.

And to my old friends....what an incredible blessing it has been to do life thus far with you!  God has truly blessed me by each of you!

Blessings,

Time, Change, and Moving on...

Written July 7th, 2015 on the night before our anniversary.....



I've had a bunch of jumbled up thoughts running around in my head for weeks now, with never enough time to put them all down on paper and make sense of them.

On July 8th Dave and I celebrated our 9th anniversary, and we weren't even in the same state at the time.  In the past 2 months we have gotten an offer on our house, accepted the offer, packed up our belongings, moved them into storage, closed on the house, moved in with some releatives temporarily, helped deliver a clients baby, continued working my other job, and went through so many emotional tailspins of decisions that I don't even remember them all...I'm just glad they are over, and now here, on the eve of our 9th anniversary I am sitting on the couch in a home that isn't even mine.  My husband is in Pennsylvania on business...getting ready to go to bed on the eve of his first day, of the first taste he'll have, of his new job.  In the middle of the changes and the offer and the house hunts, my husbands current job offered him an amazing promotion if we would consider relocating for a few years at one of his companies satellite facilities for Dave to help manage their research and development lab.  The thought of something like this happening in the middle of all of this, had never occurred to me.  Though it makes sense now, and I absolutely without a doubt know God is leading us there.

A few weeks ago as my husband sat me down on the couch to tell me the news about his offer I was skeptical, but open minded.  I cried tears of the unknown, of being tired of not knowing our "next," but I was accepting of whatever God needed to do to lead us where we needed to go.

The past few weeks have given me much time to wonder and pray, and it's interesting what God can do in stillness.  In times when we don't know his plans, and yet so desperately desire to know, to plan, to move forward.  He knows that there is value in the stillness.

One of the thoughts I've been contemplating and praying about is about my marriage.  When I stood on an altar 9 years ago, I had no idea, where God would take us in 9 short years, and I can honestly say today that I appreciate the next 9 years or 40 years...whatever God will give us, even more, because of what He has done with us in the last 9.  I had big dreams on that altar.  I had my big white dress, and my happily ever after.  I had a house with a white picket fence, and a home full of babies, and a carefree, barefooted mama chasing after their dreams with them. That was my dream.

 I remember a year or so ago looking at Dave in the middle of an argument and saying harshly "You aren't who I married anymore!"  At the time I was full stuck on myself....how dare he...go changing on me!  How dare you shake up my dreams!  And in the past few weeks I've seen beauty in change that I never saw before.  For it wasn't until now that I realized....of course he has changed!  I have changed.   Life is change, and when you choose to do life with someone else and are committed in a covenant relationship to one another....change is inevitable...It's not a question of whether or not someone will change.  They will.  It's choosing to move forward with them even when they do.

 There have been times that Dave has made dumb decisions.  There have been times that I have made dumb decisions.  In my own selfishness I have a tendency to focus more on Dave's dumb decisions than my own.  In reality...we both can be pretty dumb sometimes.

I've hoped and prayed for a lot of things in my life.  When we got married I wanted desperately to stay home with my children when we started a family, only to find out that we couldn't afford it when it finally happened.  It was a time when I was angry at God, and Dave for "making me do this" thing I didn't want to do.  But then, fast forward a few years and now I work from home, and this is really hard too, and I look back, and I thank God for the growth that he brought to me in that season, because it brought of me a love for working moms that I never would have had had He not taken me down that path.  It helped me to let go of a judgement that was seeded in me about other moms and how they take care of their families.

I've been dreaming this picture perfect pinterest life dream since the day we got married and even before....during wedding planning, and back up even more....back to the days when I was a carefree little girl and had no idea what real life could bring.  Each time we've been met with changes in our marriage, it's like a small piece of my dream kept dying.  My heart ached with longing to just be.  To go somewhere and be grounded.  Stable.  Build a life.  Stay there, and be comfortable and watch our babies grow old and welcome our grandbabies into our arms.

But this...this whole scenario...has had me emotionally all over the place the last few months, and finally....finally I felt a break through.  I felt myself break, as I watched the dream I've been holding onto so tightly my whole life, drift away.  You see I'd been holding onto this white picket fence, dream home, stable family dream my whole life, and never had it occurred to me, that God created all families, and that all families aren't the same.  It never occurred to me that my dreams....though good ones...weren't His, and when He tells you to go somewhere, you don't mess with that.  You just don't, and I know full well, He wanted that dream of mine today.  He wanted my security in Him...to trust Him fully with my family and what that looks like wherever He takes us.  To trust Him that a home is wherever we are.  A home is not defined by certain parameters, square footage or perfect location.  A home...my home....is where my family is.  My home...is where my God leads our family to.  And though I can honestly say in the last few weeks I've watched the death of my dream...something I've held onto so tightly for years....I didn't realize how much of a burden would be lifted off if I let the dream die.  I'd put my entire security in that dream for so long, that it was that dream that I was fighting for, not God's dreams.  Not eternity.

And so on the eve of our 9th anniversary, my heart too has changed.  I too am not the same person Dave married.  For better, and for worse.  We both chose to do life together...regardless of all the changes that come.

 I have no idea what's coming in the future.  His company is offering to bring us back in a few years to Chicago, but we also have the option to stay if we want to, and to that I say God....wherever you lead us.  We are but vessels here to do His work, and if I miss that in the process of crying over moving...again...and I put my whole security in things that don't even matter...then I've missed it.  I've missed it entirely.

I've come to see that life is really what you make of it.  I could sit and cry and drag my feet the whole way out to Pennsylvania.....or I can stand beside my husband and go where God is leading us to go, and trust that He has always taken care of me.  His plans are far better than I've ever dreamt up what mine could be.

So yes....we've both changed for the better, and what started out as a couple of babies sharing big dreams and saying "I do"...

Has resulted in crazy adventures and plans I never had for us in the first place, but as I am beginning to understand...God's plans and dreams are so much better than mine ever were in the first place!

Blessings,

Alexander: 1st Birthday Letter

April 15, 2015

Alexander,

Wow!  I cannot believe it's been a year already since the day we welcomed you into our arms! Your first year has been one of many ups and downs for me.  You have challenged me more than I even knew was possible, and yet here I am standing on the other side having grown more, and becoming a better person for it.  When God called me to be a mom to both you and your sister, I had no idea how He would use motherhood to refine me more.  To chisel away at hard parts of me that needed to be chipped away.  To stretch me to points of almost breaking, and yet I am so forever grateful at the hardness that is being a parent.  At least for me, I know that God knew one of the best ways to refine me more, grow me more in Him....was through my children.  Thank you for that.

A babies first year is always full of so many new things and milestones.  This past year I watched you smile for the first time, sit up, crawl, stand, walk around things, clap your hands, learn some sign language, and start to understand some words and say a few yourself.  My sweet boy your strong will was used in so many ways to mold my own, and that is one thing I mustn't forget....though you may have a strong will, I do as well, and it was in the realization of that, that I eventually realized I must set aside my selfishness in the raising of my strong willed boy, in order to be a better mama.  My entire pregnancy and your first year, have been laced with defining moments that God used to break me of my pride, and discontent, and fully praise Him even in the midst of the storm.  Thank you sweet boy for being a part of God's plan in doing that in me.

Your sweet personality has started to come out in so many ways-  the ornery grin you give us when you are about to do something you shouldn't, the way you shake your head when we say "No, no no!" and also nod "yes" even though I'm sure you aren't actually agreeing with us :)  Even your will to go back and do things you have been told not to again and again and again are actually kind of funny to me now.  Yet I still press on, because I actually am starting to see some understanding to those things after saying no and distracting you from them for weeks now...my persistence in continuing to teach you is paying off!  You get into everything including (but not limited too) toilets, toilet paper, garbage, eating out of the garbage if you manage to reach something, licking soap, playing with fireplace knows, unplugging things and trying to stick your finger in an outlet, trying to eat fireplace rocks....the list goes on, and I'm sure won't stop there, but it quickly became apparent that boys are much different than girls, and that is ok.  It's just different to me, but different isn't always bad, and in this case....different is definitely a good thing!  You keep me on my toes, and I have a special soft spot for you because you are much more a mama's boy than Abbie ever was mama's girl, and though sometimes that can drive me crazy....more often than not you choose me to be the one who can calm your tears, not anyone else, and that my sweet boy is an honor.

No matter what life brings your way, and where God takes you, I promise with all my heart to do the best I can to raise you in the way God leads me to, and no matter what I am so proud to be called a "boy mom" because of you!

Happy 1st Birthday Alexander!

Love,

Mama

Pet Rocks and Their Habitats

So I saw this post from a blogger I occasionally follow the other day sharing about an activity she did with her kids-  making Pet Rocks.  They were actually pretty stinking cute, and although the concept is kind of ridiculous.  I was like "eh...why not!?"  So yesterday when we went on a walk I told Abbie about what I wanted to do, and encouraged her to collect a few rocks, pine cones, etc while we were out so we could make our Pet Rocks and their habitat.  She was beyond excited!  I had planned to just have her gather the materials yesterday, and then work on the project today, but she was so excited to get started that she was basically begging me after the walk to get started painting them.  So I let her.  She painted and named them-  Mommy, Daddy, Abigail, Alex, Lilly, Nana, Papa, and Josie (Nana and Papa's dog :)  I added eyes and mouths.

We glued down a few pine cones.  Made them a bed out of a Kleenex box.  Made some bushes out of bunched up coffee filters she had painted green, and we had our Pet Rock habitat!  Last night she tucked them into their bed, covered them up with a doll blanket and requested we tiptoe out of the room and speak in whispers.  This morning she ran into the kitchen and announced "Everybody's up!"  Sure enough when I got out to the kitchen, she had everyone awake and out of bed.  The post I shared above, was done by an 8 year old, so ours is the 4 year old version in a house that lacked some of the same craft supplies like the fake grass etc, but Abbie didn't care.  She was insistent today though that we get "Alex" (the rock) a high chair to sit in.  I was racking my brain trying to think of how we could create that....all I could envision was a popsicle stick, glue gun experiment gone bad and coming out on the other side with badly burned fingers.  Then I realized.  Abbie is creative.  I could ask her to help me solve the problem.  So I asked "What do we have in our house that we could make a high chair for your pet rocks out of?  I ended up suggesting legos because she absolutely loves creating new things from her legos and off she ran.....I helped her create the lego version of a "high chair" and she then proceeded to create a bench, and stairs for her Pet Rocks.

Making Pet Rock furniture out of legos-  high chairs, benches, and staircases!

Here they are all snug in their bed for the night.  

The rock she picked out for me is green and literally makes me look like I am a rock frog, but I'm cool with that.  She has been having so much fun with them all day today!

Cheapest activity ever.... you can literally create your Pet Rocks and Habitat from leftovers around the house.  A shoe box is a great size.  I happened to have a larger box on hand.  We then glued an empty kleenex box in it for the bed.  Placed scrapbook paper on the walls to add some color.  Gathered rocks, and pine cones from outside.  Rocks were painted with paint we had on hand so our cost was literally $0, and I got one well entertained really active child out of the deal!  It's a win win!

No don't ya'll go judging me thinking "Frickin crazy pinterest mom, who has time for that!"  Cause really I don't, and pinterest and I have a love hate relationship, but I have found for as often as trying to do an organized project with the kids drives me crazy....these crazy projects always make the best memories, and I don't want my kids to remember me as the mom who never tried new things, who never played with them, who kept the house clean, and cooked all the time (though I do need to do those things), I would much rather be the mom who took time to try new things even when they fail and make a big mess, because those are the things we will remember.

Many Blessings,

Changes Are Coming!!!

So I have something I've been wanting to say for awhile, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  To be honest.  I needed to deal with my own emotions before I talked about it publicly.

So I'm just going to lay it out there....We're moving.  Again.  I think the reason I had to "deal" with myself first was because I was angry and ashamed....feeling like we're flighty...afraid of being judged that we can't just "sit still" somewhere for awhile, but once I dealt with myself I realized that life is change.  Some people move once and stay put their whole lives.  Some people have the same job for years.  Some people don't, and it's not bad.  God has different plans for different people, and this is His plan for us, and maybe just maybe because He knows how tightly I cling to familiarity, and being stable, and my inability to accept change easily....maybe He knows what I need most in order to make me cling to Him more, because really He is all that I should be holding tightly to anyway.

Truth is, if you live in Chicago or the suburbs, the reality of your life here is knowing you probably will more often than not spend a lot of time in your car.  We knew the reality.  We accepted the reality before coming here and we made the best choice we could with the amount of time we were given and the amount of money we had.  We were on the 5 year plan...hoped to live here and save for 5 years to afford a house since we moved from a starter home in Normal IL to buying a condo in the Chicago suburbs.  2 years in....we can't handle the commute as a family anymore.

My husbands drive to work is 29 miles...29.  Now when you grow up surrounded by the cornfields of central IL, that is no big deal!  There 1 mile typically equaled 1 minute.  Here...ha!  His drive 9 times out of 10 takes him 1 hour and 10 minutes...one way!  That's about 2 1/2 hours of driving daily.  He gets home at the kids worst time of day, and is so exhausted from dealing with Chicago traffic that he typically needs to rest away from us for a bit before he can put his "dad" and "husband" hats on.  We tried...we really did, and I know how badly Dave wanted to push through and do this for 3 more years to save up enough money to buy a bigger home, but He can't.  He's got nothing left at the end of every day.  So, on Wednesday, our house goes on the market, and I've had a few months now to come to terms with this.  This both excites and terrifies me.  I'm excited to be able to afford a house instead of a condo (all be it, it will probably be a small one), and we should be able to have a yard and potentially a basement and a 1 or 2 car garage....and when we stop for a moment and decide not to compare ourselves to what everyone else in the suburbs seems to have, and instead embrace what God has given us....we see how blessed we really are.  Besides...smaller homes mean less time spent cleaning, maintaining, and expense!  So I'm choosing to look at the bright side :)

If you could say a few prayers for this process we would so appreciate it.  It is so hard for me to look at the amount of money a mortgage is on a meager house here and feel "good" about spending it.  What we are looking for will probably need work done to it in order to make it affordable to us, but I know God cares about details, and we aren't asking for a mansion.  We are asking for basics...so that Dave can be the dad and husband he wants to be and not come home from work everyday with nothing left.  Him being able to be involved at church because of his commute, has been really hard, and we both want to be a family that is involved at church together and serving.  We feel that even though the timetable for moving isn't what we wanted, that God is leading us in this direction and so I lay this all down again.  God knows our needs.  He knows the plans He has for us.  He knows where He is taking us, and so I must trust Him.  I watched him work two years ago to sell our house in a little over 2 months, and take care of all the details from closing on one house, to closing on this condo, to being able to move in right away.  I know He will do it again.  I know He will provide the exact house He wants for us.  Will it be perfect?  Of course not!  Can any house He gives us be made into a home...you betcha!

And so I thought, since I never really shared with you before and after photos of what our condo looked like when we bought it, to what we turned it into...that I should share now, because our condo won't really be ours much longer.  It's been a good space.  A home.  A place that we made ours.  A place that will always be a part of the memories God has given us in this season, and for now we pray....God your will be done.  Help me let this place go.  Help me embrace the changes coming and trust you with all that I am!

Here you go...enjoy!  And if you know of anyone looking for a large 3 bed, 2 bath condo in the south Chicago suburbs with great school districts let me know ;)

 Abbie's Room Before:

Abbie's Room After:

 (Cost-  just paint and cheap flowers I made out of scrapbook paper, framed in old picture frames I spray painted white...so maybe $25-$35??)

Kitchen Before:

Kitchen After:

(Cost-  New kitchen sink and faucet replaced, new paint color, and new hardware I bought on clearance for 98 cents a knob!  Around $400)

Living Room Before:

Living Room After:  

(Cost-  New laminate wood floor, paint, supplies to mount TV on wall, area rug $150 on an overstock website online with free shipping (it is like a $250-$300 rug!  Repurposed old decor that I spray painted to what I wanted and made my own "last name" wall hanging for like a buck using modge podge and a repurposed old shelf that I hung up with thick white rope.  I don't even know what the floor ended up costing because it caused us a lot of problems to redo.  We finally ended up hiring someone to professionally level the floor for us at around $1000 and I think the materials cost us about $1000 too)

Dining Room Before:

Dining Room After: 

Cost-  New light fixture ($50 on sale I think?), flooring is part of the LR flooring cost, an old oil painting Dave's grandparents gave us that I painted the frame on (it was a really ugly gold color), and "Family Rules" wall art that I designed the graphic on myself and got a super duper mega coupon on for a canvas website to get it placed on.

Alex's Room:

(Cost-  this originally was another portion of the LR that we walled off into a 3rd bedroom.  It originally was a 3rd bedroom that the previous owner had knocked the wall down for.  We just had it reinstalled.  It was gifted to us so cost...nada.  Just the $8 or so I spent on scrap fabric to make the wall hangings and again more repurposed picture frames I spray painted.  This was the original color of the LR so we already had the paint color.

Our Room:

(Cost-  nothing...we didn't do anything in here.  I like green so we kept it :) 

Bathroom (1 of 2):

Cost-  nothing...we really didn't do much but replace the hardware which was included in my originally expense for the kitchen hardware.  I bought enough knobs to change all hardware in the entire house for about $30!  I replaced the mirror in this room because it was an old unframed one that was ugly.  I had the mirror though so we just hung it up in place of the old one...cost to us..nothing!

Well there is most of it anyway!  We seriously covet your prayers during this time...that God would lead us to exactly the place He wants us to be, and that it would be a space we would be able to wisely live within our means, and call our home!

Blessings,

Abbie's 4th birthday

April 3, 2015

Abigail,


Happy Birthday big girl!  Today you are 4, and what a wonderful 4 years it has been!  I'm so thankful that God called me to be your mama.  I know some days mommy seems so tired, and there is never enough time in one day to get everything done, so thank you for loving me in my days as we figure out life together :)

Today is all about you!  So let me tell you some of the many things I love about you!

• Your servant heart-  you are so quick to help me out, your brother out, and your friends out especially if you see someone upset or crying.  You will go grab a tissue or hug and kiss them to help them feel better.  Don't ever lose that compassion!
• You are smart-  you so quickly learn new skills and readily and eagerly understand things as we teach you about your world.  I know sometimes things are hard and you want to quit and give up, but never forget that it's not about being perfect.  It's about practicing to improve, to get better and the purpose that is in that process.  You may someday be talented at many things, but you will never get there if you don't work hard at it.
• You are beautiful-  your beautiful blue eyes and beautiful blonde curls may someday drive you crazy.  I know mine did for most of my life.  I hated them...until I acknowledged God gave me curls and learned to love mine because He gave them to me.  Besides you have a mama who has curls and understands the frustrations of them....at least we can mourn together someday on the days when it's 95% humidity in an Illinois summer!
• Your sense of humor-  you are really funny, and not just because you are my child, but seriously....you are really funny.  You crack jokes, are super silly, and have a great sense of humor!  Don't ever stop smiling and laughing in your days!  Keep finding joy no matter what you do!
• You are a leader-  already at such a young age it is very obvious that you are a leader- you make up games and play plans and delegate responsibilities to your peers and for some reason they all follow you....may I encourage you to never loose those skills, but to keep a tight rein on them.  When in positions of authority one has power, and power can be so quickly used to hurt, control, manipulate, and for bad.  Always choose to use this for good-  to glorify God in whatever journey He sends you on.  With leadership comes accountability, and when you leave your position of leadership at God's feet and ask Him to be glorified in your work and play and for Him to lead your steps....amazing things will happen!
• Your love for God-  this is the most amazing thing about you....already at such a young age you understand what Jesus did for you on the cross.  A few months ago you asked Him into your heart...such an amazing moment to be a part of as a parent and I am so glad we are on this journey with you!  We will do our best to continue to teach you about God's amazing love for you, and I'm sure you will teach us a thing or two in the process!  Never forget that everything you ever do in this life is ultimately for Him...your work ethic in school, someday in a job, your relationships and how you treat others, your attitude...it's all for Him.  We get one life to live, make it count, and know that we are right here beside you trying to do the same thing!

Here are a few pictures from our day:

 You helping frost some of the extra pieces from your cake....I later found out you ate them all without telling me :)

 The Birthday Plate I made this year for our family to use on our birthdays (unfortunately Pinterest led me astray....I now need to touch it up with "oil based sharpies" instead of regular ones and bake it again to make sure it's permanent!

 You with your Minnie Mouse Birthday Cake

You specifically wanted the inside of the cake to be blue and the outside to be pink with white polka dots and black frosting-  it looks like a messed up gender reveal cake, but it's what you wanted, and it's your day! :)

This weekend we are celebrating your birthday along with some of your friends birthdays with a picnic at the zoo-  looking forward to fun times with some of our favorite people.

Thank you Abigail for the blessing of being able to call you our daughter!  I love you more than mostest mostest more more more more mostest mostest...

MORE!

Love,

Mama

Reality of a Work at Home Mom....or Maybe All Moms!

Once upon a time, oh about 6 months ago I was grasping at anything that would help me balance my new life with a toddler and a baby, and working from home, and maintaining some sense of order...of a milder version of the chaos, and I found this...

And I laughed.  Out loud mind you, at how far from the truth this picture is of a work at home moms life.  Now don't get me wrong.  This article for Work at Home Moms offered some great tips...but seriously?  I do not sit on my pristine couch while looking super cute in my trendy dress, sip wine, snack on blueberries, have books perfectly stacked on my coffee table, while my children play independently in their rooms, and work from 9-3 everyday at home.

Not.  At.  All.  Most days I hardly even work during the day at all.  I sit down a midst children's requests and needs.  I carve out work time if I can during the day, but keep my expectations low, because more often than not, my desire to work during the day will not work out in my favor 9 times out of 10.

If I do work during the day I am training little ones over and over again the whole time I'm doing so.  Multi-tasking is my middle name, and I look frazzled, and sometimes bedraggled.  I take "play" breaks to give my children time with me.  In fact working during the day more often looks like this:
Me standing up while checking emails for work and responding to any time sensitive emails.  5 minutes in Abbie goes potty and yells "Mommy there is poopy on my toilet paper!"  which I then in turn go and wipe, wash hands and return to emails.  5 minutes later Alex is pulling on my pant legs wanting to be picked up, or in a cupboard, or in the fireplace, or taking a bath in the dog bowl.....  A few more interruptions, and more often then not this results in frustrations of me giving up and just working after they go to bed.

This was my working reality this morning (working at Abbie's desk while the kids played in her room).

Some moms who work at home work do so during nap time.  Nap time is hard at our house, because Alex is not a consistent napper and has proven himself time and time again that the minute mom gets an agenda to do something....his timeline will then kick in and overshadow mine.  It's a battle that's easier to just set aside myself, let go of me, and take care of him.  So again....no time for work, at least for me.  On a daily basis I make a choice at nap time, do I A)  Go fold the pile of Mt. McLaundry that has been there since last week B) Get a bit of work done not knowing when I will get interrupted, because on any given day a nap could potentially only last 30 minutes, or do I C) Let myself have a break.  Some days I do A or B, and I almost always regret it, because at the end of the day if I didn't give myself a tiny window of a break, I turn into angry mom beast by about 4:30PM.  Patience wears thin.  I begrudgingly help the kids, or do household things, and for what?  What am I teaching them if I am impatient and angry all the time?  What example do I set if I am begrudging every part of my day?  No child wants to grow up in that house.  No husband wants to come home to that house, and so I take the good with the bad, knowing the pile of laundry may not be folded and put away by the time Dave gets home from work, but accepting that he doesn't care, and he would much rather come home to a happy wife.

Like today for example.  I had been trying to fold the laundry in the laundry basket since Saturday...I think?  Maybe Friday.  I forget, but anyway, I had a moment.  One moment of quiet...both children were playing.  Content. Not demanding anything from me at the moment so I seized and tried to conquer,  Only to have my moment be stolen!  Stolen by what started as a squawk, and ended in a 10 month old boy crawling feverishly towards my legs, pulling on my jeans and crying at my feet until I picked him up.  I can't fold laundry with one hand.  Some moms probably can.  I can't.  Or at least I don't care to.  I'd rather wait and do it when he is in bed.  Sigh....laundry will have to wait.  Again.

But then bedtime happened tonight, and that little boy knows how to take my heart from it's most stressed out overtired state and melt it in mere moments.  We were sitting in Alex's room.  I in the rocking chair, Dave and the kids on the floor reading a bedtime story.  Alex was in his usual pre bedtime state- crabby, cranky, just done with the day, and he got off Dave's lap and looked up at me, and I asked him if he wanted to nurse and he sprint crawled to me and wanted to be up in my lap.  Before I laid him in bed, I picked him up with his blankie and cuddled him to my chest and he rested his head there and snuggled into the crook of my neck, and all was well in his world....all was well in MY world.  He babbled his sweet little boy sleepy babbles and snuggled in, and was at absolute peace resting in his mamas arms.  I sang him a few songs, and he babbled songs back to me, and my heart melted.  It's in those little moments we have...those tiny glimpses that God gives us to remember the reason we are a mama in the first place.  It's those moments that help me keep pressing onward.  They help remind me that what I do matters.

And the reality that happens in my own home, may not even be close to the reality that happens in your home, but you know what, it doesn't matter, because this isn't just a work at home mom reality.  It's an all mom reality.  What mom hasn't wished for bedtime to come to be "done" and have a moment of peace in her day?  What mom hasn't been forced to juggle and multi-task and look strung out at some point or another...even the put together moms have strung out, unglued moments....I know it.  I just never get to witness theirs like they do mine :)  What mama hasn't felt "suffocated" sometimes by taking care of the needs of little ones so much?  But we do it, and we press on.  And we stay home, or we work away from home, or we work at home, and we find a way.  God helps us find a way,  And everyday we muddle through, and we squint our eyes to try and see purpose in whatever it is we are doing right now, and somehow in those moments, those tiny glimpse moments He gives us peace that what we are doing is more than ok.  It's great.  He's using us to do great things in these little ones lives.

The other day I read an article that stood out to me, because its title is an everyday thought in my life right now:  "When Does It Get Easier?"  And so because I really do want to know right now "when does life get easier?"  I clicked and read, and was humbled, and disappointed all at the same time.  The author didn't give me hope of a time frame that life would be more simple, but the author was so right-  It might even get harder as our children grow and need different things...emotional support, help with math homework, bullies at school, and the list goes on.  It might not get easier, but it does get better.  Us moms....we get better at what we do, and I would like to take that one step farther to say for me personally, we get better because we trust Him more.  We start to acknowledge that life is not perfect.  We let go of our "Grass is always greener on the other side" mentalities, and embrace what color our own grass is, and we plant roots, and water that ground, and realize our grass was always green in the first place.  We are blessed.  Right now.  Right here in whatever reality He has given us.

So I have a feeling that my reality as a work at home mom really isn't that different from any other type of mom.  I'm just going to keep on pressing on, and do my very best with the reality He has given me.  I hope you'll join me too.

Blessings,

Humbled

As I sat this morning and enjoyed the stillness and quiet of the house before little feet would be heard, little requests would be made, cries would mean I needed to do something to meet the needs of another....that quiet moment....was just for me this morning.  Me and my Lord.

I noticed as I was flipping through my prayer journal that the beginning date on the first pages was from January of last year.  I was intrigued.  I knew where my heart was then.  Not good.  I was very pregnant.  Very sick.  Discontent and really struggling spiritually during that time, and so my intrigue got the better of me and I started to glance back at the time and read what was on my heart then.

On one page I penned the following:

"Lord what is it you are trying to teach me in this pregnancy?  I have been lacking joy so much.  I am feeling a little burdened about it.  I want to be excited.  I want to be happy, but all I am is happy that this is close to being over.  Is that wrong Lord?  I'm worried I won't be excited when he or she arrives....help me start to have a longing to meet him or her.  Lord thank you for this gift of life.  So many wait and wait with no success for pregnancy.  Others spend thousands to hold their own little one in their arms.  We barely try and you bless us with this child?  Why us?  What did we do to deserve such a privilege?"

As I pondered that statement I am yet again reminded that God is faithful.  He answers our prayers.  Maybe not in the time frame we want, but in His timing.  He took a hard pregnancy and spilled it over into a hard baby and brought me to my knees countless times to be reminded that without Him I am nothing.  I am unable to do this in my own strength.  Though I know there will be ups and downs in my life of learning how to be content in all circumstances, I yet again find myself praising God for a part of my life that a few months ago I was begging Him to take away.  To "fix."  Instead He uses those moments to refine us.  To chisel out of us parts that need to be restored, and in it's place, He carves beauty.  

The most humbling part of flipping through my prayer journal this morning was this....

Our Baby Names list from last year.  I am so very humbled.  Humbled that my God would choose us to be parents.  And would hand pick me to be those beautiful babies mama.  What a privilege.  What an honor.  And for all the tears, frustrations, discipline, temper tantrums, milk spills, cracker crumbs, diaper blow outs, laundry piles, and sleepless nights....I am so completely humbled.  Thank you Jesus for these little lives that call me "mom."

Blessings,