To my baby...

To my dear sweet Abigail,
Tomorrow marks the end of my maternity leave to stay home with you. I find myself very bitter today. Asking myself lots of whys and wanting to wallow in my own self pity. I want to be the one to take care of you. I want to kiss away your crocodile tears when you get all worked up. I want to feed you. I want to rock you to sleep and cuddle you. To console you in a way that only your mommy can. I write this today mostly as a way to let the tears flow. Knowing that I don't want there to be oceans of tears tomorrow when I get to work because work will be just that...work, and I at least have to accomplish a little bit of something on my first day back. I know expectations will not be high from staff members, but still I expect it of myself.

The last 8 weeks have been some of the most amazing weeks of my life. They went by all too quickly. I thought before I had you that I would for sure be bored by the end of my maternity leave. So not the case! I have been anything but bored. You see I think I associated having my own baby with what it felt like to babysit others kids and it doesn't even come close. You won't ever bore me baby girl! I could sit and stare at your tiny sleeping body for hours. I love making you smile the biggest smiles. I love the way your face lights up and you turn your head the minute I walk into a room. I never realized how much more room I had in my heart to love you, and you are so loved sweetheart. I admit there are moments of irritation sometimes when I wake up at night cause you are crying, but then when I pick you up, calm your fears, rock you to sleep my heart melts again. Why did we wait so long to have you? I guess had we not waited so long you wouldn't be our firstborn, and God knew exactly where he wanted you before you were even born.
Psalm 139 days...

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

You bring your daddy and I so much joy! For all the moments that you cry with no reason for what seems like forever....the joy of having you far outweighs any of it!

Tomorrow will be a hard one for us both I am sure. I know you are too young to understand any of it yet but I hope you know that I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't love you. Truth is, we waited so long to have you because I wanted everything to be perfect before you arrived. I wanted to make sure I could stay at home to take care of you. Last year before we found out you were coming God made it so clear to us. To trust him and he would provide. The last year was full of ups and downs as your daddy had interviews for places he had applied at for years and nothing became of any of them. My heart sank. I asked God why and the answer was always the same. Trust me, I've got it he would say. Now as I stare going back to work in the face I still know he's got it. It looks different then I wanted it to, but he's got it. He has never failed to provide for all of our needs. I can't help but wonder if me going back to work right now is just so that when I do get to stay home, I will fully appreciate it as the gift from God that it will be.

I love you with my whole heart baby girl! Your daddy is working so hard to finish school so that I can stay home with you and I can't wait for the day when I get to hold you in my arms...maybe your little brother or sister will be on the way at that point, and we can wake up and eat breakfast together, walk to the park, catch butterflies together, and let the night waste away catching fireflies....we'll catch so many that they'll light up a whole room!
You are such a joy and I can't wait to see you grow up!
Love always,
Your mamma
PS...but please don't grow up too fast :)

Making Your Own Yogurt

So I am really intrigued to try making me own yogurt. I had a friend who did it using a pot on a heating pad....kinda seemed like too much work to me, however I just found a recipe for making yogurt using your crock pot and really...its super easy! Yogurt in the little containers is so expensive. I have been buying the larger containers of it and just adding fresh fruit and granola, however, I must say all the sugar and additives that is in yogurt kinda bothers me. Now by no means am I an all natural never eat crap sort of person (i.e. see pregnancy weight gain giving into cravings sometimes in one of my last few posts), but I do like to eat relatively healthy. It just makes me wonder what yogurt really actually tastes like by itself...just yogurt with fresh, no sugar added fruit as its flavoring. So...I think I might try it next week. I still have some yogurt from the store to use up, but after that...I might just have to give it a go. Check out this link to make your own....

http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/2008/10/you-can-make-yogurt-in-your-crockpot.

I'll let you know how it turns out!

Weightloss Goals:

So prideful me doesn't want to write this post, but the realistic me knows that I just had a baby so whose judging me, and if they are...well too bad, that's not my problem. So I was looking in the mirror last night, just so unhappy with how my body looks right now. I know I know. Give yourself a break Bridget you just had a baby. I repeat BABY! Whose body looks normal 6 weeks after having a baby? I had my 6 week appointment with my OB at the end of the week last week, and the only news I really was waiting to hear while there was my weight (since the last time I had weighed myself was at 5 days postpartum and vowed not to do so again until my 6 week appointment). Well, I am still not completely sure how much weight I gained during my pregnancy. I am positive it was about 37-39#. I know it was at least 37, but by week 39 I could have cared less. I was uncomfortable and wanted to be done, not to mention the fact that Abbie finally came when I was a week overdue...so yeah those last few days...no idea if I gained or lost. Anyway, doctors appointment came and such disappointing news...I weighed 177.2#....are you kidding me? That means I only lost if even...like 2# since my initial 20# loss 5 days after having her. 2#???? I was pissed, sad, and cried after I left. Breastfeeding loses the pounds my butt!! So I wallowed in my self pity for a few minutes and called a friend. She was so encouraging. Coming from a woman who has 3 kids herself and is a skinny, tiny thing. She is like Bridget you only have 16# left? That is awesome! She encouraged me to look more at inches instead of #s, and at least gave me a reality check by saying she never reached her original starting weight until after she stopped breastfeeding cause you need the fat stores to make milk. So I felt a bit better after that conversation, but still just feeling unhappy in my own body. I do have to remember that for about the first 3-4 weeks of this 6 weeks....people brought us food. Such a blessing by the way, but I have to keep in mind that many of those dishes were pasta and had dessert too....not our normal way of eating. So I have decided that I will resume (slowly work back up to) my workout I was doing before I was pregnant: Jillian Micheals 30 day shred 2 days a week and running or other cardio 3x week, as well as eating healthier...push more veggies and fruits, whole grains when I can, etc, and just eat dessert or bad foods in moderation, and weigh myself again in one month. I am not going to count calories just yet. I will eat when I am hungry and try to eat healthy when doing so. I don't want to be obsessive about it unless I need to be later on to get off those last few pounds. So without further ado, here are my stats at 6 weeks and (oh the horror...) my current pictures...blech!

Original stats (or at least the ones I know)
Weight 157# (at least thats what I thought, but I know I weighed 161 on Dave's parents scale so thats what I am going by- maybe I weighed myself there after I was pregnant??? It's ok, hopefully I will eventually lose even more, but we'll see...small goals first!)
Waist: My jeans say 28, but I know whenever I actually measured it was 30 or 31
Hips: I think 40.5
Bust: I was a 36C....so not sure what that would mean for below...

Weight 177.2#
Waist 38inches
Hips: 40.5 (not sure why this is the same??)
Right thigh: 24
Left Thigh: 22.5
Bust:40- not sure that this will change much cause of my needed boobs at the time :) (This isn't the band though...this is around fullest part)

and now the pictures...blech! If you ever want to motivate yourself to work out just take a picture of yourself with your shirt off...ugh!




And if you read my post a few days ago. My goal is back to this...last summer right before we found out we were preggers.....



So here goes nothing...I'll let you know in a month what my new stats are!

Sometimes the screams sound like something is killing her, and really she is just tired. Drama Queen already? Makes my mommy heart sad, but also not so sad it doesn't annoy me just a little...or even sometimes a lot. Just. Go. To. Sleep....sigh

Post Baby Belly

So of course I have been having a hard time with my post baby belly. In all honesty it really isn't that bad, but I also know it isn't me, or at least it isn't the me that used to be me. I knew it was coming, but nothing can really prepare you for it. Your belly instantly deflates, and continues deflating and now I am at this stage where most of my old clothes don't look great cause they hug the pooch that has now become my abdomen, but maternity clothes are too big. I can fit into my pre last year weightloss jeans which is nice. I am currently glad I never got rid of what I labeled my "fat" clothes. They really weren't from a time when I was fat...I have to remember that. They were from a time when I was still a normal weight, but before I decided to change my lifestyle and be healthier. So I shouldn't call them "fat clothes" or I am going to start labeling myself as that. Here is one of the only pictures I can seem to find of me at my pre baby weight....I worked really hard in the spring/early summer of 2010 and ended up losing 10-11 lbs. Here is me after the weightloss:




This is of me and my cousin James at our cousin Laura's wedding. About a month after this was taken we found out we were expecting.

Here is one of me at 5 weeks pregnant. I remember feeling extremely bloated. So at the time my tummy looked and felt bloated to me, but looking at it now...I wish it still looked like this!



Sorry about the hair and lack of make up...I think Dave took this of me on a Saturday morning pre shower :)

Now here is one of me at 40 weeks pregnant:


and another....



and here is me today at 4 weeks post partum:


I am so antsy to be able to start working harder to tone my abs up again. I have started doing some stuff but am trying to do so minimally until my 6 week check up. I don't want to over stress myself. One thing I have realized is that my self esteem issues and lack of confidence in my body are gonna have to be gone for good, or at least in a place where I refuse to acknowledge this fear I have of not having a perfect, photo shopped body. Why you may ask? Because I have a daughter. It is my job to help instill within her a healthy self image. To know she is so loved and absolutely breathtakingly beautiful! If her mother doesn't have confidence in herself then how will she ever learn who God created her to be? Not that this rests entirely on my shoulders. I have to trust God with his will for her life, but it is a huge part of my responsibility to raise her up knowing she is an amazing girl! Having a healthy self image starts at home, and if she constantly hears her mother calling herself fat, or obsessing over calories and exercise then why wouldn't she do the same? It is now that I realize God really does have a purpose in everything and maybe part of his plan for me having a little girl was in realizing this huge responsibility, and that I would finally lay to rest some of my own struggles and trust that God is sovereign whether I have 5 extra pounds or not. I must remember that it's really not about binge diets and obsessive exercising. It's about a healthy lifestyle: taking care of myself and helping my family to do the same. Eating healthy, exercising, but also enjoying an ice cream cone every once in awhile, and letting myself sleep in occasionally instead of forcing myself out of bed for my morning workout.

I found a blog today and was encouraged by the article on Kim Kardashian. OK magazine printed an article with pictures of Kim just 7 days after having her baby. Kim spoke up later that her picture was indeed photo shopped on the cover. The picture on the left is what she actually looked like 7 days postpartum compared to the one on the right which was printed on the actual cover of the magazine:



If you'd like to read the rest of the blog post see this blog:

http://momgrind.com/2010/02/02/post-baby-body-stop/

Kind of a reality check, and I am so glad Kim was honest about what the magazine editors did. To know that she too, a celebrity...is human. I am really curious to see what my weight is at my 6 week check up. I weighed myself 5 days after I had Abbie and had lost 20#. In all over the whole pregnancy I gained like 37 I think. I was hoping to stay under 30 and at 36 weeks was only like 25 or 26#....I thought for sure I would make it...oh heck no! It was insane how rapid the weight came on at the end of pregnancy even if I wasn't eating a ton or eating crappy (of course I had my fair share of junk but nothing abnormal from what I did the rest of the pregnancy). It came on so quickly I ended up with a few stretch marks right under my belly button. It stressed me out the day I saw them start to appear...about week 39 I think. I went the whole time without any and then BAM! I was pissed. I used belly creams etc the whole pregnancy (or almost the whole thing) and I think at the end it was the rapid weight gain all at once that caused them. Oh well what could I do. I couldn't change anything that caused that to happen. Anyway...I haven't weighed myself since Day 5 post partum....I vowed to wait until my 6 week check to see my weight again. So we'll see....hoping I've lost more.
Maybe I'll use this blog as motivation to get myself back in shape so I can chart my progress...we'll see.
All for now!