To my baby...

To my dear sweet Abigail,
Tomorrow marks the end of my maternity leave to stay home with you. I find myself very bitter today. Asking myself lots of whys and wanting to wallow in my own self pity. I want to be the one to take care of you. I want to kiss away your crocodile tears when you get all worked up. I want to feed you. I want to rock you to sleep and cuddle you. To console you in a way that only your mommy can. I write this today mostly as a way to let the tears flow. Knowing that I don't want there to be oceans of tears tomorrow when I get to work because work will be just that...work, and I at least have to accomplish a little bit of something on my first day back. I know expectations will not be high from staff members, but still I expect it of myself.

The last 8 weeks have been some of the most amazing weeks of my life. They went by all too quickly. I thought before I had you that I would for sure be bored by the end of my maternity leave. So not the case! I have been anything but bored. You see I think I associated having my own baby with what it felt like to babysit others kids and it doesn't even come close. You won't ever bore me baby girl! I could sit and stare at your tiny sleeping body for hours. I love making you smile the biggest smiles. I love the way your face lights up and you turn your head the minute I walk into a room. I never realized how much more room I had in my heart to love you, and you are so loved sweetheart. I admit there are moments of irritation sometimes when I wake up at night cause you are crying, but then when I pick you up, calm your fears, rock you to sleep my heart melts again. Why did we wait so long to have you? I guess had we not waited so long you wouldn't be our firstborn, and God knew exactly where he wanted you before you were even born.
Psalm 139 days...

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

You bring your daddy and I so much joy! For all the moments that you cry with no reason for what seems like forever....the joy of having you far outweighs any of it!

Tomorrow will be a hard one for us both I am sure. I know you are too young to understand any of it yet but I hope you know that I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't love you. Truth is, we waited so long to have you because I wanted everything to be perfect before you arrived. I wanted to make sure I could stay at home to take care of you. Last year before we found out you were coming God made it so clear to us. To trust him and he would provide. The last year was full of ups and downs as your daddy had interviews for places he had applied at for years and nothing became of any of them. My heart sank. I asked God why and the answer was always the same. Trust me, I've got it he would say. Now as I stare going back to work in the face I still know he's got it. It looks different then I wanted it to, but he's got it. He has never failed to provide for all of our needs. I can't help but wonder if me going back to work right now is just so that when I do get to stay home, I will fully appreciate it as the gift from God that it will be.

I love you with my whole heart baby girl! Your daddy is working so hard to finish school so that I can stay home with you and I can't wait for the day when I get to hold you in my arms...maybe your little brother or sister will be on the way at that point, and we can wake up and eat breakfast together, walk to the park, catch butterflies together, and let the night waste away catching fireflies....we'll catch so many that they'll light up a whole room!
You are such a joy and I can't wait to see you grow up!
Love always,
Your mamma
PS...but please don't grow up too fast :)