To my future babies...

To my future babies....
I was thinking about you a lot today. My heart started to open up more to the thought of you. Don't you ever think for a moment that I didn't want you! No that was never it. I have always wanted you! I'm just so selfish I wanted to see my heart change so that you would never enter a world were you would feel like you were a regret. That never, not even for a moment would you feel like your mamma even had a hint of remorse over you. That you will always know you were and are wanted and loved...always! I started thinking about what it would feel like to feel you kick inside me, to be up with you all night because you just couldn't settle yourself down. I wondered what it would feel like the day I might have to go back after maternity leave and leave you. Leave you in someone else's care, for someone else to teach you, and love on you. Oh how I pray so often to be able to stay home with you. I hope that even the pieces of me that are scared I'll be a bad mamma and get too frustrated with you if I am home all day....that God takes those away. That he would change my heart to love you forever. To raise you up with your daddy to love Jesus. To know him and make all decisions in your life based off of his loving guidance. That you would be obedient to him even when it hurts. That you would know we are proud of you! That we love you so much! I can't wait for you to meet your daddy and I someday....your daddy is such an amazing man. I am so blessed to be able to call him my husband. Until God says its time for you to come....I'll continue praying for his timing. To know that you were completely his plan from the beginning!

Heart's Desire

The other day on a Christian radio station I was listening to some people calling in about what they "did" for work or were passionate about. This one lady called in and talked about how she was older...maybe 40s and had decided to go back to cosmetology school. She felt called to go and God has blessed every step of the way for her....even her new business. It got me thinking about my passions. Sometimes I still feel so ashamed that at 26 years old I still don't know what it really is that I want. I love science. Biology in specific, and I don't think that God would bless anyone any less if there were science teacher vs someone in ministry....I think its just something that if God calls you to do it, you are obedient to it. Which makes me wonder also.....are we always going to love our jobs or lack thereof? I would have to say no....do I always feel like I am head over heels for my husband...no. Most days yes :) but not always! I guess it's more about whether or not we serve God in every part of the jobs or tasks that he has given to us...that we serve him wholeheartedly without quitting and do so joyfully! Now is this always possible...nope! We are going to mess that up cause we are human. I do really want to stay at home when we start a family. I start to think about how that might not always be the most joyful task...that it will probably have far more frustrations then my current position at work where I receive lots of praise. It will be longer hours, thankless (most of the time, at least from the baby's point of view :) and exhausting....but I still smile just thinking about how much bigger the blessing and joy of doing so would be....how worth it it would be! I love other women and investing in their lives and I just think of what a nice opportunity that might be to spend time with them, learn from them and maybe even teach them somethings to. I pray for God's timing, and my heart to desire what he wants for me, not just what I want...whatever that might be!

I heart her :)

I took this photo of my niece Elise a few weeks ago on Mother's Day and had a little fun playing with it...I think I'm gonna print it off and give one to my sister in honor Elise's baptismal birthday. Dave and I are her godparents and I know that's important to my sister. Though my beliefs aren't quite what I grew up with in the Lutheran church we do agree on this...that we vowed to help Brian and Katrina raise Elise up trying always to teach her to put God first...and so that is what we will do. It is very much so like our baby dedications in the non denominational church...so all rules and politics set aside...we were honored to be asked such a thing...I love this little girl as one of my own!

Russia on my heart...

You all know (all zero of you!) the ups and downs I've had lately with fears of providing for our future children etc. You've heard my hearts openness to adoption vs natural children, etc. Lately I haven't really heard much from God on the matter. Could be I wasn't listening and letting fear overtake me. Could be that God just isn't saying anything because it's not His timing yet. I do know that I shouldn't take God for granted and shouldn't brush things off too easily and dismiss them to quickly as being "not God" just because it's something I don't want.
Last week I felt like something had stolen my joy. After receiving prayer at church about it I feel so much better. I look forward and see so much purpose and am so excited about God's plans for me. I know they are far greater than my expectations. I may really want to be a stay at home mom, but that really might not be God's best for me...might be..might not be. I won't know until he reveals that to us. My job is to be obedient to what he asks of me. If he asks me to sacrifice much financially to stay at home and live paycheck to paycheck...then I have to do it. If he asks me to work part time and drop our child off at daycare, vs friends house, vs grandmas...I have to do it if it's what he asks of me. What has given me so much peace is knowing that God will always equip me for whatever he is going to bring on my path. I probably won't know what I am supposed to do financially until after we are pregnant or he reveals we are to adopt...I might, but probably not. I have to trust that he will take care of it. I must be obedient to him and he will take care of it!
Anyways....that was just getting you up to speed on somethings going on in my heart this past week. Which brings me to today. I haven't heard much about God lately with our future family in mind, but after realizing all of the above info (that I have to be obedient to God and his plan regardless of whether it was mine or not) I realized that I must trust him with his timing. I asked him for strength to be obedient and to reveal to us in his timing his plan for our family and that regardless of whether I had answers for Dave's job etc...that if he said start a family that we would be obedient to that. Today at work one of the girls mentioned a missionary from Russia coming and speaking about orphanages that he ministers in there. She invited Dave and I to come. At first I started to play it off, being kind and saying thanks for the offer and that I would have to see what I had going on...fully intending to probably not go but just being polite but then a moment later my mind just stopped.....Russia. Russian adoption...Russia? Dave's family has had Russia on their hearts for years. Dave's dad has even gone there for missions and Dave himself even went once. I have no idea if this was a God thing or not, but it made me stop and think about it long enough to tell Dave about it tonight. Even if it's nothing I can't just ignore it without praying on it. I haven't really had a point in this process of praying that I really felt God calling us to a specific country, or to something domestic. I'm still not even sure if he is calling us to adoption...but something in my heart aches. When I think about these children sometimes my heart just aches...I cry. Tears of longing.
As I thought about Russia tonight I remembered that the Pastor of the church Dave and I attended in college had adopted children from Russia. I searched for him on facebook and found him with one of the boys he adopted from Russia and my heart just melted...tears streamed down my face as I read the caption underneath the photo....

"Me and Gabe the day he asked if he could come home with me."

What a sweetheart! Until next time...continuing to pray for God's provision and timing!
God Bless!
Bridget

After worrying myself over and over again about if I will be able to someday be a SAHM, I talked with Dave about it. He too wants this for me, but he also doesn't know what the future holds. It's not that he won't try his hardest to make this a reality, but he made a really good point as we were talking....he reminded me that my worth is not determined by whether or not I get to stay home with our children. I won't be defined as a bad mother if God asks me to work part time or full time. In fact I won't be a bad mother at all. Today made me really stop and think about it all. It's time for evaluations at work, and a few weeks ago we were asked to fill out a self evaluation as well as a small evaluation about our management. I received mine back this evening with comments from the doctors (my bosses)......

Bridget is a real joy to work alongside. She is wonderful organized and always thinking ahead. She is wonderfully cross-trained and able to perform capably as either CSR or CVT. Due to circumstances beyond our control she has worked a lot as a CVT lately. She has slid into this role effortlessly and really grasped the Highland protocols and culture. She is an exceptional advocate for the client – and I truly appreciate that! She is always well-groomed and a very friendly and receptive face at the front desk.

I encourage Bridget to continue to develop her management skills. This includes attending more management seminars, reading management articles on-line and in journals and creating and implementing new client services. She has a real gift in the arena and a true thirst for knowledge.

You are nothing less than a miracle for HPH! I love your joyful attitude and your willingness to figure out client needs and completely address them and follow through to the end. (Versus allowing someone else to finish up on a client need.) I think you should have great confidence in your knowledge regarding medicine, and this shows when you make recommendations to clients. If I have ever seen you make a bad recommendation, I can't remember it.

I must say I am far harder on myself than they are. I was so flattered to read these and of course they got me thinking outside the box. This whole time that I've worried and fretted and feared over God's will for our future family...just knowing that God must want me to stay at home, I haven't even asked him. I've really just assumed, and yet I can't assume something like this for if I do I very well may be missing out on some of the greatest things God has for me. Ministry opportunities, chances to grow in leadership and in love of people...and maybe he wouldn't be able to teach me these things if I weren't working at least some. Not saying this is his will, but I forget so quickly that me staying at home was my self determined plan all along. Now God very well may ask it of me.....and it will be hard to leave the structure of a job, working at a place that I truly like, losing an income, and wondering if I am wasting my talents, but how much am I missing out on now and where God has me and all that he could be teaching me because I am so focused and certain (of my own plan at least) that I will stay at home....how do I really know that yet? What's most important is that I ask God what he wants for me, for us. What is best for us...not what is best for my best friend, and for my neighbors, and for other women at our church. To not compare myself to them, but to trust God with his specific plan for me....regardless of what everyone else says and what the rest of the world does....my job is to focus on God, grow with him, trust him, trust Dave as the leader of our family and submit to his authority.....and if that means working, well I guess I will work then and do it joyfully and praise God for it :)

God change my heart!

I was just reading a dear friend of mine's blog post from a week or so ago(you can read it here: http://godetchedyourname.blogspot.com/2010/05/making-sacrifices-my-hubby-gets-little.html#comments)

and was taking note of the comments left by so many readers on the topic of sacrifice. She and her hubby are preparing to adopt a child from Ethiopia. I've talked to her many times about my husband and I's own hearts and seeking out God's will for us in starting a family. There have been so many random coincidences within the last year that really just have made us stop and wonder if God isn't also calling us to adopt, we've been so anti-having children right now that it's hard to change the mindset. Is it a switch that you just turn on or off? Does it just randomly change and one day you wake up and say...I think I want a child? I haven't quite figured it out yet. I do worry about it often.

I cried to my small group at church last week....really just wanting them to pray for us that we wouldn't make selfish decisions but instead give up control and trust God with his timing. All this came at one of those times when I thought I possibly might be pregnant. We've all been there...the ones that send you running to Walgreen's at midnight for a pregnancy test because you might be and you need to know now. You are scared, but at the same time know there would be tears of joy praising God for it being his will and timing and not your own. Yeah this was one of those times....since I got my period at the age of 14 it's been like clockwork. Never a day late a month in my life until last month. At about a week to a week and a half late I finally went to the doctor and got my period later that day. No idea still what was up with my body....it was doing weird things its never done before but nevertheless blood tests came back negative. I thought I might be a bit more heartbroken about this news than I was. I am such a control freak and have been trying to line all my ducks up in a row before we think about starting a family and when I was late I finally thought ya know what? I would be happy if I was because God willed it, not me. When I got the call that the blood tests revealed I wasn't pregnant I was completely ok with it. Happy, yet wondering what God was doing. Is he working on changing my heart? Pregnancy or adoption....I don't really care which God reveals to us first. I just don't want it to be my will that makes it happen. Things don't turn out well when you go ahead of God's plan, however just because I follow God's leading doesn't mean it won't hurt sometimes. It doesn't mean there won't be tests to pass. It doesn't guarantee there will never be a miscarriage, fertility issues, or misplaced adoption papers. I try to so perfectly follow God that I forgot that ever stinking moment of this life is for his glory! Good or bad!

As I have been praying recently for God to just reveal his plans I've stumbled upon so many different scriptures that just made me stop and ask God why:

Genesis 12 made me stumble across the passage of Abram going into Egypt because of the famine in Canann. God never told him to go to Egypt. Abram chose to do the logical thing...I must provide for my family I need to do this. After all God wants me to provide for my family right? Upon reading the story the other times I've read it..this never became apparent to me, but this time....oh how it hit me so hard this time! How many times since Dave and I have been married have we chosen the logic, responsible, acceptable by societies standards way? I'm ashamed to admit that it's far more than choosing God's way.

In Genesis 15 God promised Abram he would be made into a great nation....he promised him a son and yet he listened to Sarai instead of leading her...and had Ishmael by her servant. He promised it. He meant it, and they couldn't wait! God literally said you will have a son from your own body....and they still went ahead with their own plan.

Today I visited the www.proverbs31.org website to read their daily devotion and stumbled upon this verse:

"So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children. And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them." Genesis 50:21 (NIV)

Oh what comforting words to my heart! This is my greatest fear. This is what stops me in my tracks when I think about having a family. I question my own motives...is it ok to stay home? Am I wasting my education? Wasting my talents? I don't want to start this process unless I know we'll be ok and then I hear the questioning again...what if God asks me to work? I really don't want to but what if he asks me to? I know I can trust that he'll provide for us wherever he puts us...but what if what he asks of me isn't what I thought he wanted. Oh it's agonizing! It might sound ridiculous to some but to those of you who have experienced this...you know exactly what I am talking about. I hear you God I know you'll provide (and then the "buts" come), but how?

The women writing today's devotion went on to tell of how her husband of their one income family lost his job and all that God is teaching them through it. All the while rejoicing for their current circumstances.

Which brings me to tonight. My friends blog. My heart ached as I read some of the comments to her blog entry. Seeing the sacrifices these mothers have made. Questioning if I can be that selfless for I am so far from it now. Not knowing if I will even realize it until I hold my own baby in my arms and in that moment I'll just know...I couldn't trade this for anything. I really don't know how it will happen. I just have to trust God. Trust him in the present which means glorifying him in all I do...work included and trusting him enough to know that He already has a plan in motion for my future.

This morning as I pondered these thoughts this verse came to mind:

Philippians 4:6

⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

and now I also remember one I repeat often to myself and others:

Matthew 11:28-30

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Sorry it's so long....just a lot on my heart today. I continue to pray for God's will and provision as He continues to change and mold my heart :)