and was taking note of the comments left by so many readers on the topic of sacrifice. She and her hubby are preparing to adopt a child from Ethiopia. I've talked to her many times about my husband and I's own hearts and seeking out God's will for us in starting a family. There have been so many random coincidences within the last year that really just have made us stop and wonder if God isn't also calling us to adopt, we've been so anti-having children right now that it's hard to change the mindset. Is it a switch that you just turn on or off? Does it just randomly change and one day you wake up and say...I think I want a child? I haven't quite figured it out yet. I do worry about it often.
I cried to my small group at church last week....really just wanting them to pray for us that we wouldn't make selfish decisions but instead give up control and trust God with his timing. All this came at one of those times when I thought I possibly might be pregnant. We've all been there...the ones that send you running to Walgreen's at midnight for a pregnancy test because you might be and you need to know now. You are scared, but at the same time know there would be tears of joy praising God for it being his will and timing and not your own. Yeah this was one of those times....since I got my period at the age of 14 it's been like clockwork. Never a day late a month in my life until last month. At about a week to a week and a half late I finally went to the doctor and got my period later that day. No idea still what was up with my body....it was doing weird things its never done before but nevertheless blood tests came back negative. I thought I might be a bit more heartbroken about this news than I was. I am such a control freak and have been trying to line all my ducks up in a row before we think about starting a family and when I was late I finally thought ya know what? I would be happy if I was because God willed it, not me. When I got the call that the blood tests revealed I wasn't pregnant I was completely ok with it. Happy, yet wondering what God was doing. Is he working on changing my heart? Pregnancy or adoption....I don't really care which God reveals to us first. I just don't want it to be my will that makes it happen. Things don't turn out well when you go ahead of God's plan, however just because I follow God's leading doesn't mean it won't hurt sometimes. It doesn't mean there won't be tests to pass. It doesn't guarantee there will never be a miscarriage, fertility issues, or misplaced adoption papers. I try to so perfectly follow God that I forgot that ever stinking moment of this life is for his glory! Good or bad!
As I have been praying recently for God to just reveal his plans I've stumbled upon so many different scriptures that just made me stop and ask God why:
Genesis 12 made me stumble across the passage of Abram going into Egypt because of the famine in Canann. God never told him to go to Egypt. Abram chose to do the logical thing...I must provide for my family I need to do this. After all God wants me to provide for my family right? Upon reading the story the other times I've read it..this never became apparent to me, but this time....oh how it hit me so hard this time! How many times since Dave and I have been married have we chosen the logic, responsible, acceptable by societies standards way? I'm ashamed to admit that it's far more than choosing God's way.
In Genesis 15 God promised Abram he would be made into a great nation....he promised him a son and yet he listened to Sarai instead of leading her...and had Ishmael by her servant. He promised it. He meant it, and they couldn't wait! God literally said you will have a son from your own body....and they still went ahead with their own plan.
Today I visited the www.proverbs31.org website to read their daily devotion and stumbled upon this verse:
"So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children. And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them." Genesis 50:21 (NIV)
Oh what comforting words to my heart! This is my greatest fear. This is what stops me in my tracks when I think about having a family. I question my own motives...is it ok to stay home? Am I wasting my education? Wasting my talents? I don't want to start this process unless I know we'll be ok and then I hear the questioning again...what if God asks me to work? I really don't want to but what if he asks me to? I know I can trust that he'll provide for us wherever he puts us...but what if what he asks of me isn't what I thought he wanted. Oh it's agonizing! It might sound ridiculous to some but to those of you who have experienced this...you know exactly what I am talking about. I hear you God I know you'll provide (and then the "buts" come), but how?
The women writing today's devotion went on to tell of how her husband of their one income family lost his job and all that God is teaching them through it. All the while rejoicing for their current circumstances.
Which brings me to tonight. My friends blog. My heart ached as I read some of the comments to her blog entry. Seeing the sacrifices these mothers have made. Questioning if I can be that selfless for I am so far from it now. Not knowing if I will even realize it until I hold my own baby in my arms and in that moment I'll just know...I couldn't trade this for anything. I really don't know how it will happen. I just have to trust God. Trust him in the present which means glorifying him in all I do...work included and trusting him enough to know that He already has a plan in motion for my future.
This morning as I pondered these thoughts this verse came to mind:
Philippians 4:6
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
and now I also remember one I repeat often to myself and others:
Matthew 11:28-30
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Sorry it's so long....just a lot on my heart today. I continue to pray for God's will and provision as He continues to change and mold my heart :)
LOVE You and your heart for ANYTHING God has in store!
ReplyDeleteps - I'm trying to remember to read your blog more frequently, but I seem to have lost my brain!