I've been contemplating writing this blog for awhile now. Something in me just held back. It's too much. Too much information. Too deep. Could be too painful if someone read it, but as I see what God is doing in me, and in others around me, I pray that He will bless it. That the words I speak of my experiences will build and lift others up. Will bring healing and hope. I write this entry, which quite honestly may turn into several entries because of the length of its content, because a dear friend of mine (who will remain anonymous) just found out she was pregnant not too long ago. She too has struggled with body image for a long time. I touched on my struggle with body image in a blog I wrote right after we found out we were pregnant found here.
So I write this post in honor of so many women. Thoughts unspoken, struggles that are swallowed and shoved down deep, waiting to overflow at any moment. May this bring hope and healing to many.
Dear Friend,
I must admit our choice in waiting to start a family did come in vain. I wanted all of our ducks to be lined up in a row financially (Dave to be done with school, living in a house, enough income for me to stay home, etc). When God asked us to let go and control him with our family, I was scared beyond belief. So many tears were cried that night from us both. Each of us not wanting to let go of what little control we had over our lives thinking that a baby would ruin all of our plans, but God so clearly laid it on our hearts..."Trust me. Just let it go and trust me with your family." Up until this moment I think there had always been some version of control over sex in our marriage. Going to the absolute furthest necessary lengths to prevent an unplanned pregnancy. Letting go of this was one of the hardest yet most freeing things God has ever led us to do. He has truly blessed us for our obedience. The beginning of that very blessing came less than a month later with a positive pregnancy test.
I had worried before over even being pregnant about the body image struggle that may follow. I remember very honestly talking with a friend about getting a tummy tuck after having children. She called me out on it shortly after, but I have to admit that my heart didn't really understand what making such a statement actually stood for up until the last few months. I can't remember if my friend at the time realized how much I struggled with my body. If she even knew the depth of what I harbored in my heart deep inside about how I felt about myself. I remember in high school learning about anorexia and bulemia and wondering how anyone could ever struggle with such things. Who would do that to their body. What's crazy about my struggle with it, is that it happened at a time in my life that no one would have ever guessed that it could. I wasn't in junior high anymore, I wasn't even in high school. I wasn't seeking the attention of some guy because I was already about 2 years into marriage. I was like 23 or 24....who struggles with an eating disorder at that age? In my mind it wasn't an eating disorder. At least at the time I didn't think so. I thought my life was normal. I thought weighing yourself 8-10 times a day was acceptable. I thought only allowing yourself to eat something if you found the number on the scale to be acceptable was ok. It didn't even cross my mind that it was abnormal until I told Dave about. He looked me in the eyes with utmost concern and said "That isn't normal. That's not good." I just hadn't thought about it that way. Thoughts of what I should or shouldn't be eating consumed me. I remember taking a college psych course during this time when we learned about anorexia and bulemia and I ended up leaving the class in tears. Knowing I had a problem but now knowing how to fix it.
What even caused it? Why at an adult phase of my life would I struggle with such a thing? Back in college I started changing my lifestyle. I started running, and getting out of my parents house meant not eating casseroles filled with carbs anymore, and instead I could choose what I ate on my own. Slowly but surely I began to lose weight without even trying just because of a lifestyle change. By the time I got married I weighed about 30lbs less than I did when I was in high school. In high school I fought so hard to get the attention of the guy that I thought I wanted to one day marry, but I never seemed to be good enough for him. Well after high school, it seemed that the more weight I lost the more compliments I got. The more people told me I was desirable. The more beautiful I felt and although it was negative attention, I started to thrive off of it. I grew up in a house where being called beautiful didn't exist. I did occasionally get an I love you, but I don't remember ever being called beautiful. As a woman we all desire to be attractive. To be found to be beautiful. My heart ached to hear it as a younger girl so when I finally did hear it, of course my mind decided that I only ever hear these compliments when I am thinner....I must stay thin.
Well of course you now know what happened after that. The funnel into a dark time in my life. Starting as an innocent awareness of taking care of my body, funneled deep into an unhealthy obsession with controlling my body. With finding value only in myself when I was thin enough to receive compliments. After an eye opening experience at my church, being prayed for and God just laying it on my heart to give it up, to trust Him, I finally started to turn a corner. Slowly but surely moving forward to be healed of this process. Somedays I would take one step forward and 2 steps back but nonetheless moving forward past this ugly part of my life. There is no doubt in my mind that God doesn't want us to take care of our bodies
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
~ 1 Corinthians 6: 19-20
Excercise is good for me. Eating healthy is good for me, but for a person who struggles with an eating disorder and body image these two can do a downward spiral very quickly. Exercise became an obsession....I would become very emotionally unstable if I didn't get to exercise that day or we went out to eat and ate greasy food. Instead of trusting God, I was trusting in my own ability to control these areas and ultimately do what I thought was best for myself. Even though what was best for me was to ultimately trust God with it.
When I became pregnant I prayed so hard that God would heal me of this struggle once and for all. That even if I did struggle with it for the rest of my life that he would use this pregnancy to show me so much more of him. Looking back, for as scary as becoming a mom was in the midst of our current life circumstance I am so grateful. Grateful that He called me to this even when I didn't think I could do it. Realizing in the midst of it that I really had wanted to start a family for years, wanted to be a mom more than anything else, and yet wouldn't lay down my own selfishness and let go of control in order to do so. Oddly enough for as hard as it has been to look at my new body post partum, being here, in this moment has brought so much more healing to the depth of my hearts struggles than could have ever happened had I not had a baby first.
Staring at my body almost immediately postpartum was actually a funny moment. Many had told me to prepare myself to look about 5-6 months post partum after you have your baby. That was the depth of my postpartum body image preparation. This first look in the mirror revealed basically a deflated pregnancy balloon. I can't even describe it, but I didn't have trouble accepting it at that time. Figured that this is normal.
I spent hours during pregnancy reading birthing and breastfeeding books, but somehow forgot to contemplate my post partum body. I do remember telling myself "You will have a baby so you might not be able to workout like you used to or as often." I knew I would take the 6 weeks to let my body heal and only go on walks and do simple things before then. I think the biggest misconception that I had was that breastfeeding would make me get rid of the extra baby weight. I feel like everyone says that, but when it came down to it, at least for my body, that was a crock of crap! I have since talked to others about it and they seemed to have the same struggle I did. There were points postpartum that I seemed to gain weight or plateau instead of losing, yet all the while exclusively breastfeeding. After my 6 week checkup I started working out. At 8 weeks, the scale didn't hadn't budged so I decided to start counting calories. It wasn't like I was soley eating lettuce leaves. I found a formula to figure out how many calories I needed to continue successfully breastfeeding while losing weight and just stuck to that. In about 6 weeks times I was able to lose 10-12lbs. At the time I was so psyched! That was awesome! Had I looked at the signs then I probably would have figured out something might be up, but for me who struggles with body image anyway, losing that much that quickly was awesome news! My lactation consultation didn't seem concerned and said 1-2lbs per week is fairly normal and isn't too rapid of a weightloss, but I should have known that since I started pregnancy at a normal weight that I probably shouldn't lose that quickly. The month of July (3-4) months postpartum was spent at a plateau. Counted calories, maybe not as closely as I did before, but still was and the scale didn't budge. I went in for my yearly exam in August and discussed my plateau regardless of my efforts and she did some bloodwork. I got a phone call the next day telling me that I am hypothyroid. You can read more about that here.
Finding out I was hypothyroid was a hard pill for me to swallow but at least things were starting to make sense. You see, women's thyroids can kind of act crazy postpartum and go from a hyperthyroid state (overactive and working too hard....aka when I lost 10-12lbs pretty rapidly) then become hypothyroid where they don't work well (my plateau, weight gain times).
I found that out in mid August. It's just been in the last few weeks that I have really felt God working on my concept of a post partum body and what it should be.
In my own walk through this pregnancy I felt like few people really told me how it feels. Not because they aren't honest, probably cause they are too busy with their own lives and kids, and not cause they wouldn't had I asked, but I really didn't know it needed to be asked. I thought my belly would magically shrink from breastfeeding. It doesn't. Those muscles were stretched to their max from 40+ weeks of pregnancy. It's gonna take awhile to get them back in shape. Even if you do get them back in shape, that doesn't mean they will be as elastic as they were before. There were moments post partum that I wanted to throw le lache league books off of a cliff. They say if your nipples hurt when breastfeeding you are doing something wrong. Not necessarily the case. I am not the first one who let their baby latch on to nurse while in tears, toes curled up in pain and cried through the first few weeks of nursing, but no one told me that. Maybe they didn't want to scare me, but I want people to be real with me. I want to be real with you. That you might be prepared to0 friend....for even through the tears and toe curled pain nursing your baby is so worth it. When people gave me this story of about how easy it was to take your baby with you and nurse them anywhere I wanted to punch them. If that was the case then why did my baby scream whenever I took her out in public and tried to nurse her? Why did she hate the nursing cover? Why did I feel trapped in my own home like I couldn't go anywhere? To feel like the only times I could leave my home were in a frantic state of something that looked like this...feed baby for 45 minutes (at least when she was really young), get her changed as fast as possible, throw her in the car and go to the grocery store as fast as possible to get grocery shopping done so you won't be stuck feeding her in public when she gets hungry again. Was I a bad mom for feeling so much emotional relief from being able to finally pump a bottle and take it to church with us so I didn't have to worry about when if Abbie's next feeding would interrupt church and she would have a screaming fit in the balcony while our pastor was trying to preach? I struggled with anxiety a lot. I still fight it. Every time I take her out and give her a chance to prove me wrong, she does it. She is a great baby. I just have to take the risk. Those first few months were hard. I felt alone a lot. Like no one understood, but they do. My biggest mistake was not asking for help.
Staring at my postpartum body is getting easier. I feel like I have to learn how to dress myself all over again. I really wasn't that great at it in the first place. Dressing myself has never been easy. The jeans I need to wear now are different than what they used to be. Low rise doesn't cut it for a post baby tummy. It can, but it's not as flattering as some jeans could be. I'm used to wearing fitted things, and post baby tummies aren't the most friendly to those. I will learn in time I suppose. My tummy is still poochier than I would like despite all my ab exercises and trying to eat healthier. My sister always says when she stopped nursing her kids, she lost a few pounds immediately after. I have about 8.5lbs to go, and even though I think losing those lbs will mean I fit well into my pre pregnancy pants again (I fit in them now, its just not the prettiest!), my body won't be the same. Things have shifted. Things will fit differently. Things stretched out more, the challenge is finding the good in that is our over photoshopped airbrushed world. We see our "normals" in the pictures of a photoshopped maganize article or cover. I just can't compete with the fakeness that technology can portray. I am not fake. I am me. I have seen many post partum tummies covered with stretchmarks, I have a few minimal ones from Abbie. The ones I already had from puberty are way more in number than Abbie's, but I am beginning to look at them with love. It's taken awhile and it will still take even longer, but I am beginning to see their beauty. If I only have a few does that make me lucky? That I escaped the horrible wrath that pregnancy can ensue on our bodies. Luck? Really? Are we becoming that vain that we see these natural changes in our bodies, created by God himself as bad? My perspective is changing and I know yours will too dear friend. It won't come without tears. It won't come without completely trusting in God first but it will come. He may bring you to your knees time and time again, or bring you flat on your face in honor and worship of him, but know this....I think you are so beautiful. Your hair always looks great, your skin practically flawless, and your heart is what I love most about you. From the day you became a Christian your heart just continues to blossom. Aren't these the things we want to bestow upon our children anyway? That we will learn to laugh and cry tears of joy when our children lovingly touch our small postpartum tummies and kiss them, caress them with their chubby little hands and know that these arms that hold them...those are mama's arms. That those arms represent a heavenly Father's love. That we will never fail to let our children know how truly beautiful they are. I feel so honored to have a daughter, yet so scared at the same time. I never want to see her struggle as I have with body image. I want her to know she is beautiful from the start, but the way she will best learn that is by me continually pointing her to Jesus. By me being real with her, and not hiding my past from her, but helping her to grow from it.
A few weeks ago at church our pastor gave a sermon on genuine worship and I was convicted. I have never been much of a hand holder upper (if that is even a term!). I am more the type to sit down in my chair and praise God in prayer during worship. I do hope he grows me in this area, but on this particular Sunday I didn't feel convicted about not holding my arms up to the heavens, but instead about my state of mind when coming to church. I try so hard to look good when coming to church. Many times in the wrong state of mind....searching for a compliment, wanting to fit in with my friends who somehow always seem to know how to dress themselves so well in comparison to me. It got me asking...why do I dress the way I do? Do I dress this way because I like it or do I dress for other people....to please them, to receive their favor. This doesn't mean we can't wear something cute, or fashionable. It just made me realize that my heart needs to be right before God in doing so. For some reason I felt God saying "simple" to me. That I don't have to feel like I need to spend hundreds of dollars on clothes anymore. That I can wear something off of a clearance rack and still look cute. His sermon made me remember my reason for worship all together is that it is not about me at all. May I repent of seeking out any favor from anyone in the house of God other than for a reason to build up the church. After hearing this I began to think of some of the strong women in our church. Contemplate their sense of style and their personalities and I saw so much beauty. These women consisting of women leaders and pastors wives in our church, don't dress poorly. They take care of themselves, but they also don't strive to draw attention to themselves. They are beautiful, stylish, yet not distracting. Their hearts draw you closer to God. It is these women who are Godly examples that I want to be more like. For years I have kind of muddled over the verses in the bible about beauty
3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious."
1 Peter 3: 3-4
I could read this and basically all I got from that was being pretty isn't that important, having a right heart does, but I see so much more in it now. Being a woman of God doesn't mean you have to dress in rags. The same goes for the verse in Proverbs 31 about dressing your family..
21She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
Proverbs 31:21
Well what in the heck does that mean? To me scarlet used to equal name brand clothing....the finest of linens. Not so anymore. This women takes good care of her family. They have plenty of warm clothes to keep them safe and warm....according to the rest of Proverbs 31 she is wise...wouldn't waste money on something that wasn't worth it, so I am guessing she found a great deal off of some merchants sales rack. A wool suit at 75% off if you will. These verses don't say you should dress yourself in disgusting clothes, or not take pride in who God made you to be and worship him for it. We are to take care of our bodies to cherish them as God's gift to us and worship him through all that we do. Now a call to live more simply doesn't mean that I am choosing to live in poverty. What I feel God is asking of me now is to trust him with less. To realize I can't earn favor by buying the thing that is $50 vs buying the one that is $10. To realize that I can't earn his favor at all. He gives us himself. Period. Gives. Not asks for us to take out an IOU. Gives freely of himself with no expectation of anything being returned. That my friend is beautiful. My body being thinner doesn't make me earn anymore favor. He already loved me. The words of Psalm 139 have been a source of much hope over the last year:
Psalm 139
English Standard Version (ESV)
Psalm 139
Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
1O LORD, you have searched me and known me! 2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
5You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a] Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
19Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
20They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain![b]
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts![c]
24And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting![d]
The last few months have been some of the hardest of my life. With Dave working full time and taking 14 credit hours of college courses this semester, it has left me feeling like a single mom so often. All household management and Abbie responsibilities for the most part have been left up to me. At times I am so overwhelmed. I have cried out so many times recently for God’s strength. Financially, it’s been one of the hardest times of my life, but looking back I am so grateful. Grateful that God has called me to this moment. Grateful at how much its grown me. I prayed for God to change my heart. To grow me more. To do whatever it took to grow me closer to Him. He didn’t say it wouldn’t happen without tears. He didn’t say I wouldn’t feel the hurt. He didn’t say it wouldn’t be hard. Every tear I’ve cried has been worth it. My faith has been tested in so many ways and for that I am grateful because each moment leaves me crying out for strength from the only one who could give it to me in the first place. The one I chose to run from so often before. The one who I told I could handle it myself for my entire life. He’s left me no choice but to run to him. He’ll meet you there dear friend. God loves His children and He takes care of them.
I pray so often right now that I wouldn’t miss anything. That whatever God is doing in all of this, that I wouldn’t miss anything He is trying to teach me in order to grow me closer to himself. I pray this for you as well dear friend. That God would bless you beyond belief at your obedience to Him and His will. That He would change your heart through this pregnancy just to even have the slightest glimpse of how He intended women to bring glory to him through pregnancy and motherhood. May He bring healing to you spiritually as your body changes physically to see so much good in the way He designed your body to be.
May both of our hearts be forever changed for God’s glory!
Love in Christ,
Bridget
