My Journey to She Speaks Part II

Journey to She Speaks Part II: A Teachable Heart

(If you haven't checked out Part I of this series please visit yesterdays post here first.)

Friday July 20th 5:45AM

Dave's parents came to our house to pick me up and take me to the airport.  I had insisted it wasn't necessary.  Our airport is so small that I knew since I'd already checked in online that they would literally be dropping me off and I would almost immediately be walking through security, and at that point they wouldn't be able to come anyway.  Abbie happened to be awake cause she heard me getting ready so she got to come too and in hindsight I do admit...it was nice having someone take me.  Less lonely.  Less scary.  

Security literally took 5 minutes to walk through and my terminal was right on the other side of it.  I am pretty sure our airport has only 10-15 terminals.  I have never had to walk out onto the concrete "runaway" and walk up the stairs of the actual plane to get on before but this time I did.....I have never flown through our airport in town so I almost felt like I was breaking a law walking outside right under the plane to get on.  Our plane was the smallest plane I had ever been on and I at times can be a bit claustrophobic.  A big gentleman sat down next to me who I shortly found out went to one of our local catholic churches and was a very active father to 4 daughters and involved in the youth at the church.  He was a nice guy and I was glad for the company to get my mind off of my claustrophobia.  He was actually really encouraging since I have a daughter, giving me bits of wisdom for life down the road with a teenage girl.  He and his wife had always maintained open communication with their girls, friends with them yet still parents and I liked the combination and the type of trusting relationship that he seemed to have with each of his girls.  I pocketed the wisdom for much further down the road when Abbie is a teenager :)

My connecting flight arrived in Detroit about 50 minutes later and I had about an hour between flights.  Perfect amount of time in my opinion.  Unless you are flying through Atlanta.  Then I need time to hyperventilate between trying to make sure I make the right flight while sprinting miles through each concourse.  I had just enough time to grab some starbucks and get ready to board by the time I found my terminal.  The flight to Charlotte was about an hour and 45 minutes and I spent most of it reading a book I had checked out from the library on writing.  You see going into this conference I wasn't sure what God was calling me to do.  This conference called She Speaks through Proverbs 31 Ministeries, is for Christian Women Writers and Speakers.  I just knew clearly without a doubt that God was asking me to go and so I went.  I had been praying about what he wanted for me to do and before I left I kind of felt like it might be more writing.  It made sense to me.  I have a small toddler and we hope to have more children in the future.  Where in the world would I fit speaking around my already busy life?  So writing just made sense to me.  I was attending sessions at the conference on both writing and speaking though.  One of the speakers at Proverbs 31 had encouraged me when I registered and said "Ultimately writers become speakers, and speakers become writers."  Which is very true.  Regardless of what God revealed to my heart, I knew there was one that would have more of a focus in my life, and the other would be there but more on the backburner.  

I arrived in Charlotte North Carolina around noon EST and found the shuttle to our hotel.  It was about a 25 minute drive from the airport to our hotel and I met some great women who also were going to the conference while I was on there.  My sessions started shortly after arriving at the hotel.  This place was nothing short of amazing.  The place itself was just a normal hotel with a convention center attached but just the feeling of being surrounded by 650 women who all were there for the same reasons I was, being obedient to what God asked of them and seeking out God's will in their lives about speaking and writing was overwhelming.  I had met many of the women online through a facebook group, but I had no idea how hard it would be to find those very same faces in a large group.  650 didn't sound like a huge number to me, but turns out, it was a bit overwhelming.  I did the best I could to be outgoing and talkative and not hide in the shell I wanted to hide in.  Turns out I realized how much I missed the confident me.  The person who used to not care so much about what people thought about her.  The person who didn't put so much effort into people pleasing and instead just chose to love people regardless of their brokenness.  My old extroverted self started to come out and it was nice.  It was nice to be real again.  To know people may hurt me sometimes but that I didn't have to hide.  And here, in this place, it was safe.  I could be me.  I could be transparent.  I could be real.  

Now most Christians know that when God asks you to do something, spiritual warfare is quick to follow, from the time I said yes to going, up until right before I left to go, there was spiritual attack after spiritual attack.  Many others came to the conference with much different stories than mine, but still many struggles, hurt hearts, each clinging to their Savior's promise for healing.  There was a special prayer room where you could go and pray quietly or have someone pray for you, and a few days before the conference started we received an email from Proverbs 31 saying that each of our names had being prayed over for months, and in the prayer room there would be scripture.  Each of our names had been placed by scripture that they felt God leading it to be put on.  Tears streamed down my face when I read that email.  So excited to see what God put on these beautiful womens hearts about me.  When I got into the prayer room the name and scripture of God they had assigned to my name was:

EL ROI

The God Who Sees Me

There are no circumstances in our lives that escape his fatherly awareness and care.  God knows us and our troubles.

Genesis 16:11-14 and Psalm 139: 7-12

Truth and mercy washed over me in that moment and I knew that He knew exactly what had happened for me to be there at that conference.  That I didn't have to be scared.  That I didn't have to lack confidence but that He fully knew and He is good.  My father cares for his children.  

I got prayer in the prayer room that night.  From a girl named Stephanie.  Someone who would start to become far more important in my life than a random girl who prayed for me once.  As I sobbed and told her my story she prayed a compassionate prayer and it was there from her that I began to notice a theme in things that God was speaking to my heart about from the weekend.

Stephanie and I at She Speaks 2012

I finally got a chance to meet my roommate that night about 10PM.  Poor thing  had gone through so much to get there- missing flights, being on stand by after standby, storms causing rerouting for her plane to land, and she finally had gotten to the hotel about 8PM (she was supposed to arrive around noon) that night just in time to present her speech to her evaluation group.  Like I said....satan didn't stop working on tearing any of us down to get there!

Whitney (my roommate) and I at She Speaks 2012

She was such a joy to talk to.  We had emailed back and forth a few times before going so we knew what the other looked like and a bit about each others lives.  It was a joy to spend part of my weekend with her and get to know her better!

Saturday was filled with session after session of amazing writing and speaking material and by about 3:30 my brain couldn't take anymore.  I struggled through that session to listen and grasp what I could but my brain was on overload and I was craving sometime to just go spend with God, praying, reading his word, and sorting through what He was laying on my heart.  Luckily for me I had opted for free time at 4PM instead of taking another session so I had an hour and a half to go do just that.  

My time with God that afternoon was much needed.  I prayed about some of the things I felt him laying on my heart.  I asked for wisdom on whether he was leading me to write or speak.  I read new scripture and by the end of my time He had given me much insight.  I wasn't really sure if he would reveal anything to me that day or if it would be a longer process of reveal but He did and I am so greatful.  You see in my mind as I asked God about speaking and writing, writing just made more sense to me.  I have a toddler.  Writing would work better around my schedule because I could write after she goes to bed or during naptimes etc, but speaking?  How do I speak when I have a toddler?  I don't want to leave my family all the time to go speak somewhere, but you see God knows our hearts.  He knows our needs, and my problem was, that I was looking at people who speak all the time and was getting ahead of myself.  I haven't started any of it yet except blogging.  God knows my exact spot in life.  He knows I have a young daughter.  He knows I'm married.  He knows we want more children.  He knows.  He will never give me more than I can handle and if I just submit everyday to Him and ask Him what He specifically wants for my day, I won't miss any appointments He has for me, He will give me the strength to know how to fit marriage, and parenting in with other things He might want for me, and at the same time not to undermine my roles in my husband and children's lives...they are huge responsibilities and a major part of my God given tasks!  I decided at that point in my quiet time to read through the scripture again He had laid on my heart from Isaiah 6, and also Titus 2- those verses had been on my heart even longer

Titus 2: 3-5 says:

³ Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. ⁴ Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, ⁵ to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."

Before leaving for the conference I was reading through Ephesians and on the next chapter I was due to read was the later part of Ephesians 6:

The Whole Armor of God

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. ¹¹  Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. ¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. ¹⁴ Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵ and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; ¹⁷ and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, ¹⁸ praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, ¹⁹ and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰ for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.

Now what is funny about this is that our keynote speaker for Sunday morning was due to speak on The Armor of God.  I found it funny that my current chapter I was reading coincided with that, but as I prayed for God's wisdom on whether or not He wanted me to focus more on speaking or writing, He used this chapter to lay it thickly on my heart.  There at the end tucked into verses 19 and 20 He spoke to me clearly" and also for me that WORDS may be given to me in OPENING MY MOUTH BOLDLY TO PROCLAIM the mystery of the gospel for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, AS I OUGHT TO SPEAK."

Tears fell and I knew, plain as day God was speaking to me.  I knew that it wasn't that He didn't want me to write, but that He had always wanted me to speak.  That to choose writing, and refusing to speak would be using writing as a crutch to hide behind.

To be continued....