Exciting News!!

We're moving!  (Who likes those people who wait until the end to tell their news anyway...figured I'd just get it all out there :)

After years, many tears, and much prayer on our knees my hubby was given a job offer as a Food Scientist at a company in Chicago.  We've prayed and prayed and hoped for something to happen so I could stay home more with Abigail, but nothing came, and God called me to be a working mom.

During that time my hubby was taking part time classes pursuing his degree to be a Food Scientist so he could get a job still working in a field he loves, but be able to help support a family better financially.

Last year my hubby sacrificed a lot as he decided to continue to work full time while going to school full time so he could finish his classes and graduate and be done to spend time with his girls :)  The year was much harder than I imagined but neither of us have any regrets.  He graduated in May 2012 and I couldn't have been more proud of him.

Being able to see him walk across that stage after seeing him come home from work, night after night and packing his suppers so he could go study at the library or sit with a book in his hands for hours past a normal bedtime in order to achieve his dream was an indescribable feeling.  At times during the journey I wasn't sure we would ever make it, but we did!  He did!  The tears came when he was handed his diploma.  He did it!  We made it!  He was done! 

 And here we are at his graduation last May...we made it!  

And now, almost a year later....Dave has a new job!  He will be starting at the end of May/beginning of June.  

Lots to happen at our house in the next few weeks!  Almost the moment he had the official job offer and we decided to accept I started decluttering our house and deep cleaning so we could get it on the market as soon as possible (I know I say I'm type A, but really people...this has Type A stamped all over it!)

If you think of it would you say a few quick prayers for us right now.  There is a lot on our minds and much to be thankful for yet many things to easily worry about......

• For our house to sell- I am continuing to work while Dave will live with family in the suburbs until our house sells (at least we are planning to do this for a little while.  Which means I will be a single mom during the week....please please please please house...sell quickly!!)
• For a smooth transition for Abigail from going to her daycare to staying with Dave's mom and a family friend, to being home with me almost 247 once we finally move (She loves school a lot and I know it will take time to adjust to our new normal and find ways for her to still get the socializing she loves so much!)
• For a reasonably priced place to live in the Chicago suburbs- ha!  I know right!?  We of course don't want to live in a bad area, but we just pray for a place to live that is no more than an hour commute (at least most days) for Dave to travel into the city.  We also want to rent for a bit to save up a larger down payment for our next house.
• For Dave and I to grow closer in this process.  When we both get scared and worry about things we tend to lash out at each other and it's all because of fear.  So we've been trying to prayer together when something starts to worry us and it's been helping a lot.  
• For wisdom- I've been working for so long and also have wanted to be home more for so long, but now that I am facing it....I'm terrified!  Abbie and I's personalities are a lot alike- I worry about her being bored with me and us getting sick of each other quickly being together 247.  We potentially have some job options for me which we are seeking out (mostly would be from home with minimal work outside of the home-  more on those later as things evolve if they do :)   I do enjoy a work life balance, but the more kids we have, the more you pay for daycare, and the less my working makes sense if the entire thing just will go to daycare unless I can find something from home or maybe a minimal part time evening shift somewhere so we wouldn't have to pay as much in daycare.

Ok so my prayer list just got long :)  Thanks for reading it though, and if you have ever moved or relocated would you share your 1 or 2 of your best pieces of advice?  I know I am a pretty organized person, but man, so much is happening at once....I'm trying hard to just focus on one step at a time or else it gets overwhelming!

Blessings,

Time to Toss the Scale??

A few weeks ago I weighed myself, and my 6-7#s of typically monthly weight fluctuation...never fluctuated down again.  My heart beat faster.  Raced...why?  "Eat less!  Exercise more!" The voices screamed, and for a moment I stopped to ponder....what if I didn't know what the # was?  This # that can cause me to spiral into an emotional downturn in a matter of moments.....what if I didn't know what it was anymore?  Now I could know by the feel of my clothes, but I would lose control....gasp!  Lose control!!??  Of my weight?!!?  That # is so important though!   Is it?  Really?  What's in a number anyway?

That number represents what my body weighs.  It deceives me when I gain 7 pounds before I get my period.    It deceives me when I lose the 7 pounds.  It weighs more when I have gained more muscle.  It weighs more when I haven't defecated.  It weighs more after I eat a big meal.....so what is the number really?  

The number doesn't tell me how healthy I do or do not eat.  It doesn't tell me how much I exercise.  It says nothing about my spiritual and emotional well being.  

A few years ago when my husband first learned of my initial struggle with a borderline eating disorder, he took my scale away.  It was a digital scale that we received as a wedding present.  One of which I promptly used 8-10 times a day- when I woke up, after I urinated, after I defecated, before I ate, clothes off, clothes on....weighed myself ALL.  THE.  TIME.  He took away the source....took my battery away from my digital scale and tossed it in the cupboard.  It since has never been used.  Though I chose to move it with us when we moved from an apartment to our house.  My problem now:  I still have access to a scale.  I work at a veterinary clinic.  We weigh dogs on our large scale there so I can always weigh myself if I want to.  I don't weigh myself everyday there.  I used to once a week or once a month, but even that often for me...messes with my head.  Was it really worth knowing the number?  

After I had Abigail I worked so hard to get the weight off- eating relatively healthy and exercising 5 days a week only to struggle with the weight loss and then being diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  Finally at 9 months post postpartum I saw my old number on the scale again.  Relief.  Sweet relief!  Really?  Was it that important?  Wasn't it more important to try to get back down to a healthy weight again, nurse my baby and not overly focus on decreasing calories which could decrease my milk supply for her, and living a healthy lifestyle?  You would think so....but there is something about that number.  It's intrigue.  It's label.  It's importance and once it becomes a number you want....you are satisfied with it, but longing for more.  In high school I weighed about 35-40# more than I do now and you know what...physically my body image was much healthier back then than it is now.  I may take much better care of myself now, but I beat myself up a lot less then than I do now, and why?  Why does this # have so much pull on my entire attitude?

Here is a picture of me taken in 2003:

And here is a picture of me taken just recently (2013)

I tell you all because I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks now and every ounce of my being wants to, but I'm starting to think its time for me to toss the scale.  I don't want to reach an unhealthy weight, but I need to focus more on a healthy diet and exercise and enjoying life than micromanaging every ounce my crazy woman's body will fluctuate in it's lifetime.  I recently read an article about the correlation between a mother's body image and her daughters.....and sadly I know it's not just a bunch of lies....I've seen it before.  I've personally heard a 5 year old girl look at herself in a mirror and call herself fat when they literally were the most beautiful petite 5 year old I have ever seen and you know why she said that....who else would she learn from?  Her mother, older sister, relative....someone of influence in her life does that in front of her.  

A friend of mine at work was telling me the other day that his girlfriend hasn't weighed herself in over 10 years.  When she goes to the doctors office she tells them to cover the number or she closes her eyes cause she doesn't want to know.  She is healthy.  She is a runner.  She eats well, and anytime I have seen her she looks to be in good shape to me, and so I wonder....could I do that too?  Could I really give up that much control and start focusing more on living a healthy lifestyle instead of letting that ever fluctuating # dictate my mood?

I'm so scared....scared I will gain my 40# back.  Scared I will overeat.  Scared of the loss of control, but I think I'm ready.  I think I need this.  I think it's time to lay this struggle to rest and let God bless me without the knowledge of a #.  Anyone else with me?  Do you have that struggle?  What if we let God heal our hearts and gain freedom in the pain from our pasts?  What if we finally let it go and instead of playing the yo yo dieting game, finally just started to make good choices both in diet and exercise for our bodies?  

My hubby married me at at about 10 or so more #s than what I am currently, and met me when I was probably closer to 20# more....sadly all my effort really hasn't gone noticed by him.  You know why?  He really can't tell.  At all!

He promised for better or for worse, and he meant it.  

He loved me when I was 40 weeks pregnant and gained more weight than I wanted to during a pregnancy

He loved me then.  He loves me now, and no matter how much my weight fluctuates with more babies,  hypothyroidism, or diet and exercise ..He loves me and whats more important than Dave's love for me is that God loves me.  I am not a number.  My value is so much more than that.  I am loved.  Cherished, and valued by the very one who knit me together and knew every single day of my life before I was even born....that's love and if I am going to be labeled by anything it's by that...that I am a child of God, loved my beloved and worth far more than just having my identity found in a number.

Who's with me??!!  

Blessings,

Welcome New Friends!!!

If you are visiting from the moms group I just spoke at on Friday...welcome!  I am so glad you are here.  I invite you to follow Full Heart Full  Home on facebook so you can follow all of my latest updates!

My heart here is and always will be a work in progress as God keeps fine tuning it to become what He is calling it to be.

I pray you will find comfort here.  Comfort to be real.  To know I will do my best to be real with you.  That you would come alongside me and so many others as we do this journey of life together and grow together to become more like Him in all areas of our lives: as women, as wives, as mothers, but most importantly as daughters of our King.

From the Bottom of My Heart....Welcome!

Blessings,

Real Me Sharing a Part of My Heart

I need to share....

I need to be real....

My heart has to be real because I can't hold it in anymore.

Holding it in hasn't gotten me anywhere.

And I pray that someone somewhere finds encouragement from this.

Often times I don't want to write things because I don't want to complain.  I don't want to be pessimistic or not have well thought out posts, but always appearing to be optimistic, upbeat, and put together isn't real.  Isn't authentic.  Isn't human.

So I share today.  I pray that you share too.  Whether it's here or somewhere else.  Would you be real with me?  Honest with yourself?  Your spouse?  A friend?  If you too sometimes struggle with wearing a mask all too often.  Today I invite you to put down the mask and be YOU!

A few weeks ago I shared in this post that I maybe going back to work full time  and since then we have decided that I will indeed be going back full time   For me that means I will work full time at the vet's office around 32 hours a week and continue my role with Hearts at Home for 8-10 hours a week (most of Hearts at home hours are done from home).

In many ways that decision brings relief and in other ways it brings some anxiety.  Let me share with you some of the reasons for my quietness over the last few months....aside from being busy...it's been much deeper than that....

Do you want to know some real truths about me?

I struggle with a lot of different things.  Perfectionism and people pleasing being one of them.  I carry so much weight in what others think of me and when I start to struggle with different things my fear gets the better of me and I shut down.  I don't want other people to see my real.  To see a part of me that would appear less than perfect.

I've been struggling with forgiving others.  I mean really forgiving others of things they have said or done that have deeply hurt me....and I'm learning to let it go.  To trust God in it, but it's so hard to not have my present life or even future me react a certain way due to how some of those hardships changed me.

I've struggled with body image for years.  At one point an eating disorder and everyday is a battle for me.  My body gains 7-8# when I get my period.  Awesome right?!  Every month it is the same battle....I fear the number won't go down.  I freak out.  Then breath a sigh of relief when it does.  Having a baby has changed my body for forever.  Something I will forever be grateful for, for what a beautiful thing came from it, but it's a struggle.  My body is different and still changing!  After I had Abbie I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  A metabolic disease that can literally leave you eating just vegetables and still cause you to gain weight.  I don't know how to dress it anymore!  One moment I look normal, the next I eat a big meal and I look 5 months pregnant.  My heart struggles to have joy for my friends who successfully lose weight, and I am left working out 5 days a week, eating minimal calories and still gaining weight. 

I've struggled with anger issues.  I'm not sure if this is genetic or not but part of it has to be....the entire side of my dad's family has a temper and it didn't skip me that is for sure.  It's gotten much better with lots of prayer and learning different coping mechanisms, but back in the day I could be borderline violent....I threw a coffee table once.  Really?  Who does that?

I struggle with jealousy.  Like currently I'm struggling because almost all of the same women I was pregnant with during my pregnancy with Abbie are pregnant again, but I'm not, and I haven't done a thing to fix that.  We aren't ready yet....we were hoping for me to be working less hours first but now as I face the facts....I don't think that is gonna happen.  Not yet.  Maybe not when I'm pregnant and maybe not even when a baby arrives but I look at them with envy knowing some of them are SAHM, some are working and realize...they just accepted reality and embraced it, and I am left wondering why I am such a control freak and praying that I too can just embrace our now and stop wishing it away.

So I did something a few weeks ago that is starting to help me a lot.  I wrote down bible verses specific to my struggles and categorized them.  When I'm anxious....I can look up that verse.  When I feel far from beautiful I can look up a verse on that.  When I feel angry I can look up a verse on that.  Though my struggles are far from over it helps to have truth quickly at hand when I start to feel overwhelmed by a thought.

To be honest I have felt so subpar.  I was excited to start blogging again and refocus last fall and then life happened and I didn't know how to fit it in, and I gave up.  I was so afraid of failing and not being perfect that I didn't want to be honest and tell you what all was really going on in my life.  I was wearing a mask.  Trying to pretend I would come back and pretend like nothing happened but that's not true.

This is my real.  This is me.  My truth.  My story.  My heart.  Who I am.

 

 

Who am I then when I take the mask off and allow myself to be real with you....

 

 

I am a full time working mom and wife.  I do life.  Just like you and I fit in as much as I can and what's important and I let go of what's not.  My dishes aren't always done.  My laundry isn't always folded.  My car is sometimes (more often than not) a mess, but my heart is full, and when it's not...it needs to be, and it doesn't get filled back up by pretending to be perfect all the time.  My marriage needs taking care of.  My daughter needs loved on.  My heart needs refueled by the only one who can fill it.  So I must choose.  Choose what's important and let go of what is not.

I was afraid to be real because so much of what I have written on this blog in the past is what I may not have nearly as much time to do anymore!  I wanted to share more recipes.  More kids activities.  More on cloth diapering.  More on everything, but even now I can tell God is saying "Trust me Bridget."

I didn't realize I was priding myself in my ability to balance all that was on my plate by working part time, planning frugal meals, grocery shopping frugally without coupons, using cloth diapers, breastfeeding, and still managing to be an intentional wife and mom.

But you want my real?  That's my real.  It was down right pride.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I recognize pride in all its ugliness now....that was my reality.  Truth be told...I don't have it all together.

My truth now?  My new real?  Working full time will lead to sacrifice in other areas- cloth diapers may have to be set aside for a season and we will start using disposables.  Homemade meals?  We will as much as we can but never too much to sacrifice quality time with my family in order to slave in the kitchen all day and miss out on the few moments I will actually have with my family.

That is why my quietness came.  I was ashamed.  Ashamed I couldn't carry out what I like to preach on.

This coming Friday I am teaching a message to a moms group on Homemaking right at the same time I feel God calling me back to full time work for a season.  Right at the same time I will have to re-prioritize and let a few more things go, right at the same time He again asks me to give up more control....control I didn't even realize I was grasping onto so tightly.

I've been fighting a lie.  The lie of "Who are you, Bridget to talk to anyone on Homemaking when your own Homemaking skills are so far from perfect?"  Truth be told- I don't have it all together to talk to these women on Homemaking, but God reminds me again and again why I truly need to talk to these women on Homemaking...because they don't want someone to stand in front of them and be perfect and tell them all to get their act together.  They need real.  They need genuine.  They need someone who's been broken to encourage them that God loves them too even in their brokenness.  They need someone to share real life tips to help them in their Homemaking but to ultimately trust God in their own season of life, right where they are, with His best for them.

And so right now I pray.  Pray for what God wants this space used for.  I love sharing my heart here.  I love helping other women grow, but I do have to make sure my priorities are straight and that God and my family and my responsibilities at home come first.  So I continue to pray about what that looks like.

I've got a head full of ideas and tips to share with you and some days when I see other peoples blogs my heart sinks.  Mine doesn't even come close to being as good as theirs.  I'm not as experienced, and yet again the cycle starts....I'm comparing myself...AGAIN!  God didn't ask me to be them.  He asked me to be me and be obedient with what He has asked of me whether that is writing and sharing with you all once a week or if he asks me to share something that I feel doesn't even come close to measuring up to what bigger blogs write on...it doesn't matter....if He puts it on my heart to share I need to share whether it reaches 1 person or 1000.

Thank you all for listening to my heart and today I challenge you to to be real.  Take off your mask and be you, because God wants the real you, and the real you is beautiful exactly as you are!

Blessings,



2 Years.....

Really?  Has it really been that long since I first laid eyes on you?  Has it been that long since you came into this world blue, not breathing, and scared the living daylights out of your father.  I knew better.  I knew you were a fighter from the beginning and that you were, and still are.  Has it been that long since I labored for 29 hours to bring you into this world....agonizing as it was in mere moments it was done.  You were here.  Our first born.  Our little girl.

That first moment I saw you and they told me you were a girl....I was in shock.  I was so sure you were a boy.  We didn't know for sure, but we all just expected you to be a boy.  We had a girl name and a boy name picked out though and so from the moment they told me you were a girl....you were Abigail Elizabeth.

Your name fits you perfectly.  We named you after Abigail, King David's wife in the bible.  She was a strong women.  Wise and of noble character.  This is my prayer for you Miss Abigail also.  That you would grow in godly character, in wisdom, and strength and that your daddy and I will be the best examples we can to you.

I am so very proud of you Abigail.  You are such a beautiful child.  You've got your mama's curls and onery smile, and your daddy's (used to be) hair color, beautiful blue eyes, and a mixture of the two of us- tall, big feet, mischievous personality, and always on the move....you are long and lean and always have been (that's more your daddy's side though!)

You bring some of the best laughter to my days and it is an absolute joy to be able to call you my daughter.  We are so blessed to have you as a part of our family.  We look forward to celebrating many  more birthdays with you!

Love you always and forever!
Mommy



And just so I don't forget some of your 2 year milestones.......

1. You love to read books.  You would read them all day if you could.  Your currently enjoy Winnie the Pooh, Sesame Street, Corduroy, animals of all kind, Llama Llama series, The Critter book series, The Pig a Pancake etc series, Berenstain Bears, Dr. Seuss, etc....you really can't get enough of any of them!  Oh and this is worth mentioning....you read The Lord of the Rings with your dad and call the characters by name.  I see your desire to learn already and I hope you continue to be a bookworm and nerd like your parents :) 
2. You love to be on the move and I find that you are quite bored if you don't have something to do or keep you moving.  You LOVE music.  Of all kinds...particularly Sia, and it isn't too uncommon for daddy or I to have dance parties with you.
3. You love going to the library, the park, for walks, the discovery museum, grandpa and grandmas farm, watching movies, reading of course, ice cream, CHEESE, and then to counteract the cheese we give you raisins which you ask for asap every morning.  You currently are showing interest in potty training but with no committment what so ever.  You like to sit on the potty and read a book when you see mommy going potty.  
4. You love school and talk about seeing your teacher "Emmy" almost all the time.
5. Around Christmas time you started talking quite a bit and putting a few words together....it was only a matter of weeks before you were saying whole sentences, and at about 22-23 months you were quite articulate and using sentences and paragraphs to talk with people regularly.  I am probably the one who understands you best since I am around you most, but sometimes you talk so fast your words slur together...daddy, grandma, and Emmy are all pretty good and figuring out what you are saying though!
6. You've been having temper tantrums for quite awhile, and I don't know if they will peak and get worse or if this is going to be what your normal is.  I do feel like your ability to communicate so well so early has helped us work through temper tantrums really well though and the ones you do have aren't nearly as bad as I expected them to be.