That number represents what my body weighs. It deceives me when I gain 7 pounds before I get my period. It deceives me when I lose the 7 pounds. It weighs more when I have gained more muscle. It weighs more when I haven't defecated. It weighs more after I eat a big meal.....so what is the number really?
The number doesn't tell me how healthy I do or do not eat. It doesn't tell me how much I exercise. It says nothing about my spiritual and emotional well being.
A few years ago when my husband first learned of my initial struggle with a borderline eating disorder, he took my scale away. It was a digital scale that we received as a wedding present. One of which I promptly used 8-10 times a day- when I woke up, after I urinated, after I defecated, before I ate, clothes off, clothes on....weighed myself ALL. THE. TIME. He took away the source....took my battery away from my digital scale and tossed it in the cupboard. It since has never been used. Though I chose to move it with us when we moved from an apartment to our house. My problem now: I still have access to a scale. I work at a veterinary clinic. We weigh dogs on our large scale there so I can always weigh myself if I want to. I don't weigh myself everyday there. I used to once a week or once a month, but even that often for me...messes with my head. Was it really worth knowing the number?
After I had Abigail I worked so hard to get the weight off- eating relatively healthy and exercising 5 days a week only to struggle with the weight loss and then being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Finally at 9 months post postpartum I saw my old number on the scale again. Relief. Sweet relief! Really? Was it that important? Wasn't it more important to try to get back down to a healthy weight again, nurse my baby and not overly focus on decreasing calories which could decrease my milk supply for her, and living a healthy lifestyle? You would think so....but there is something about that number. It's intrigue. It's label. It's importance and once it becomes a number you want....you are satisfied with it, but longing for more. In high school I weighed about 35-40# more than I do now and you know what...physically my body image was much healthier back then than it is now. I may take much better care of myself now, but I beat myself up a lot less then than I do now, and why? Why does this # have so much pull on my entire attitude?
Here is a picture of me taken in 2003:
And here is a picture of me taken just recently (2013)
I tell you all because I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks now and every ounce of my being wants to, but I'm starting to think its time for me to toss the scale. I don't want to reach an unhealthy weight, but I need to focus more on a healthy diet and exercise and enjoying life than micromanaging every ounce my crazy woman's body will fluctuate in it's lifetime. I recently read an article about the correlation between a mother's body image and her daughters.....and sadly I know it's not just a bunch of lies....I've seen it before. I've personally heard a 5 year old girl look at herself in a mirror and call herself fat when they literally were the most beautiful petite 5 year old I have ever seen and you know why she said that....who else would she learn from? Her mother, older sister, relative....someone of influence in her life does that in front of her.
A friend of mine at work was telling me the other day that his girlfriend hasn't weighed herself in over 10 years. When she goes to the doctors office she tells them to cover the number or she closes her eyes cause she doesn't want to know. She is healthy. She is a runner. She eats well, and anytime I have seen her she looks to be in good shape to me, and so I wonder....could I do that too? Could I really give up that much control and start focusing more on living a healthy lifestyle instead of letting that ever fluctuating # dictate my mood?
I'm so scared....scared I will gain my 40# back. Scared I will overeat. Scared of the loss of control, but I think I'm ready. I think I need this. I think it's time to lay this struggle to rest and let God bless me without the knowledge of a #. Anyone else with me? Do you have that struggle? What if we let God heal our hearts and gain freedom in the pain from our pasts? What if we finally let it go and instead of playing the yo yo dieting game, finally just started to make good choices both in diet and exercise for our bodies?
My hubby married me at at about 10 or so more #s than what I am currently, and met me when I was probably closer to 20# more....sadly all my effort really hasn't gone noticed by him. You know why? He really can't tell. At all!
He promised for better or for worse, and he meant it.
He loved me when I was 40 weeks pregnant and gained more weight than I wanted to during a pregnancy
He loved me then. He loves me now, and no matter how much my weight fluctuates with more babies, hypothyroidism, or diet and exercise ..He loves me and whats more important than Dave's love for me is that God loves me. I am not a number. My value is so much more than that. I am loved. Cherished, and valued by the very one who knit me together and knew every single day of my life before I was even born....that's love and if I am going to be labeled by anything it's by that...that I am a child of God, loved my beloved and worth far more than just having my identity found in a number.
Who's with me??!!
Blessings,
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