Real Me Sharing a Part of My Heart

I need to share....

I need to be real....

My heart has to be real because I can't hold it in anymore.

Holding it in hasn't gotten me anywhere.

And I pray that someone somewhere finds encouragement from this.

Often times I don't want to write things because I don't want to complain.  I don't want to be pessimistic or not have well thought out posts, but always appearing to be optimistic, upbeat, and put together isn't real.  Isn't authentic.  Isn't human.

So I share today.  I pray that you share too.  Whether it's here or somewhere else.  Would you be real with me?  Honest with yourself?  Your spouse?  A friend?  If you too sometimes struggle with wearing a mask all too often.  Today I invite you to put down the mask and be YOU!

A few weeks ago I shared in this post that I maybe going back to work full time  and since then we have decided that I will indeed be going back full time   For me that means I will work full time at the vet's office around 32 hours a week and continue my role with Hearts at Home for 8-10 hours a week (most of Hearts at home hours are done from home).

In many ways that decision brings relief and in other ways it brings some anxiety.  Let me share with you some of the reasons for my quietness over the last few months....aside from being busy...it's been much deeper than that....

Do you want to know some real truths about me?

I struggle with a lot of different things.  Perfectionism and people pleasing being one of them.  I carry so much weight in what others think of me and when I start to struggle with different things my fear gets the better of me and I shut down.  I don't want other people to see my real.  To see a part of me that would appear less than perfect.

I've been struggling with forgiving others.  I mean really forgiving others of things they have said or done that have deeply hurt me....and I'm learning to let it go.  To trust God in it, but it's so hard to not have my present life or even future me react a certain way due to how some of those hardships changed me.

I've struggled with body image for years.  At one point an eating disorder and everyday is a battle for me.  My body gains 7-8# when I get my period.  Awesome right?!  Every month it is the same battle....I fear the number won't go down.  I freak out.  Then breath a sigh of relief when it does.  Having a baby has changed my body for forever.  Something I will forever be grateful for, for what a beautiful thing came from it, but it's a struggle.  My body is different and still changing!  After I had Abbie I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  A metabolic disease that can literally leave you eating just vegetables and still cause you to gain weight.  I don't know how to dress it anymore!  One moment I look normal, the next I eat a big meal and I look 5 months pregnant.  My heart struggles to have joy for my friends who successfully lose weight, and I am left working out 5 days a week, eating minimal calories and still gaining weight. 

I've struggled with anger issues.  I'm not sure if this is genetic or not but part of it has to be....the entire side of my dad's family has a temper and it didn't skip me that is for sure.  It's gotten much better with lots of prayer and learning different coping mechanisms, but back in the day I could be borderline violent....I threw a coffee table once.  Really?  Who does that?

I struggle with jealousy.  Like currently I'm struggling because almost all of the same women I was pregnant with during my pregnancy with Abbie are pregnant again, but I'm not, and I haven't done a thing to fix that.  We aren't ready yet....we were hoping for me to be working less hours first but now as I face the facts....I don't think that is gonna happen.  Not yet.  Maybe not when I'm pregnant and maybe not even when a baby arrives but I look at them with envy knowing some of them are SAHM, some are working and realize...they just accepted reality and embraced it, and I am left wondering why I am such a control freak and praying that I too can just embrace our now and stop wishing it away.

So I did something a few weeks ago that is starting to help me a lot.  I wrote down bible verses specific to my struggles and categorized them.  When I'm anxious....I can look up that verse.  When I feel far from beautiful I can look up a verse on that.  When I feel angry I can look up a verse on that.  Though my struggles are far from over it helps to have truth quickly at hand when I start to feel overwhelmed by a thought.

To be honest I have felt so subpar.  I was excited to start blogging again and refocus last fall and then life happened and I didn't know how to fit it in, and I gave up.  I was so afraid of failing and not being perfect that I didn't want to be honest and tell you what all was really going on in my life.  I was wearing a mask.  Trying to pretend I would come back and pretend like nothing happened but that's not true.

This is my real.  This is me.  My truth.  My story.  My heart.  Who I am.

 

 

Who am I then when I take the mask off and allow myself to be real with you....

 

 

I am a full time working mom and wife.  I do life.  Just like you and I fit in as much as I can and what's important and I let go of what's not.  My dishes aren't always done.  My laundry isn't always folded.  My car is sometimes (more often than not) a mess, but my heart is full, and when it's not...it needs to be, and it doesn't get filled back up by pretending to be perfect all the time.  My marriage needs taking care of.  My daughter needs loved on.  My heart needs refueled by the only one who can fill it.  So I must choose.  Choose what's important and let go of what is not.

I was afraid to be real because so much of what I have written on this blog in the past is what I may not have nearly as much time to do anymore!  I wanted to share more recipes.  More kids activities.  More on cloth diapering.  More on everything, but even now I can tell God is saying "Trust me Bridget."

I didn't realize I was priding myself in my ability to balance all that was on my plate by working part time, planning frugal meals, grocery shopping frugally without coupons, using cloth diapers, breastfeeding, and still managing to be an intentional wife and mom.

But you want my real?  That's my real.  It was down right pride.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I recognize pride in all its ugliness now....that was my reality.  Truth be told...I don't have it all together.

My truth now?  My new real?  Working full time will lead to sacrifice in other areas- cloth diapers may have to be set aside for a season and we will start using disposables.  Homemade meals?  We will as much as we can but never too much to sacrifice quality time with my family in order to slave in the kitchen all day and miss out on the few moments I will actually have with my family.

That is why my quietness came.  I was ashamed.  Ashamed I couldn't carry out what I like to preach on.

This coming Friday I am teaching a message to a moms group on Homemaking right at the same time I feel God calling me back to full time work for a season.  Right at the same time I will have to re-prioritize and let a few more things go, right at the same time He again asks me to give up more control....control I didn't even realize I was grasping onto so tightly.

I've been fighting a lie.  The lie of "Who are you, Bridget to talk to anyone on Homemaking when your own Homemaking skills are so far from perfect?"  Truth be told- I don't have it all together to talk to these women on Homemaking, but God reminds me again and again why I truly need to talk to these women on Homemaking...because they don't want someone to stand in front of them and be perfect and tell them all to get their act together.  They need real.  They need genuine.  They need someone who's been broken to encourage them that God loves them too even in their brokenness.  They need someone to share real life tips to help them in their Homemaking but to ultimately trust God in their own season of life, right where they are, with His best for them.

And so right now I pray.  Pray for what God wants this space used for.  I love sharing my heart here.  I love helping other women grow, but I do have to make sure my priorities are straight and that God and my family and my responsibilities at home come first.  So I continue to pray about what that looks like.

I've got a head full of ideas and tips to share with you and some days when I see other peoples blogs my heart sinks.  Mine doesn't even come close to being as good as theirs.  I'm not as experienced, and yet again the cycle starts....I'm comparing myself...AGAIN!  God didn't ask me to be them.  He asked me to be me and be obedient with what He has asked of me whether that is writing and sharing with you all once a week or if he asks me to share something that I feel doesn't even come close to measuring up to what bigger blogs write on...it doesn't matter....if He puts it on my heart to share I need to share whether it reaches 1 person or 1000.

Thank you all for listening to my heart and today I challenge you to to be real.  Take off your mask and be you, because God wants the real you, and the real you is beautiful exactly as you are!

Blessings,