It's been hard. No that is an understatement. Its actually pierced me to one of the deepest parts of my soul. So deep that I didn't even realize the anger, and resentment it was causing.
You see once I graduated vet tech school, and got married my goal was no longer to really be in the working world. It was to one day be a stay at home mom. I couldn't think of anything else I would rather do. So my husband and I set that as our goal. We wanted for me to be able to do that. I don't think Dave fully understood until Abbie arrived how much he wanted that, but nevertheless it was what we worked so hard for, strived for, were motivated by, and then the summer of 2010 came. We both felt God just break our hearts....to let go of this control that we had over our family of preventing children from coming until all our ducks were lined up in a row, and just trust Him, our creator with His plan for His timing...not ours. One month later we found out we were expecting. We were excited, scared, joyful, and at times during my pregnancy had moments of anger, distrust, and sadness. We prayed for me to be able to stay home. Dave applied for jobs. Got interviews he had never had at places he'd applied to for years...we thought surely this is God....you are going to find a new job before this baby comes and I will be able to stay at home.....none of those interviews yielded a new job. Instead the lack of new job brought on anger, distrust... and questioning God's sovereignty. Flash forward- Abbie arrived....still hoping that maybe something would happen while I was on maternity leave....nothing. I had my first day back at work, and now in almost March of 2012....I've been working for almost 9 months.
What's funny is, though I've had my moments of questioning God's sovereignty throughout this whole time, is that it wasn't this that pierced me to my innermost being. God is still sovereign. He always does things for His glory and my good. Though I may not get how this is good for me at the time...it is. It's his perfect plan.
No, what pierced me was the judgement. Judgement in statements that were said before I was ever even pregnant. Judgement that was said in statements when I was pregnant. Things I realize now were so wrong of me to ever agree with other woman about before....now that I understand God's heart more about me as a working mom.
I heard things like "Why would you even have children if you weren't going to raise them yourself." This one came well before I ever had children but when I faced not being able to stay at home when I had kids myself.....this statement reared its ugly head and Satan used it in every way possible to make me feel not worthy, wrong, unable to provide for our families needs. I heard things about how people thought every family could really make this decision if they wanted to, they basically are just too selfish to do it.....another thing I agreed with. Until I faced this decision myself and realized I wasn't being selfish. Although Satan filled my head with lies...telling me how selfish I am. How unworthy of a mother I am. Making me feel like I wasn't doing my part to provide by doing something out of my home etc. I heard things like "Have you done the math?" Meaning....I think you can do it, you should cut something else out. Yup. Yup I have done the math. It still doesn't work. We've tried.
I started to believe the lies. I started to believe I was judged....by everyone. I felt segregated at church cause most of those ladies are stay at home moms. I assumed they judged me. I'm sure they didn't, but I thought they were. For a person who already struggled a lot with trusting people this just made me close off my heart more. I clung to the few friendships I had that I knew were safe.
Just a few weeks ago Dave and I were talking about the future, and in my head, once I stayed home, I didn't want to go back. I was going to stay home for forever. He told me he would love to solely provide this for us, but we were going to have to periodically evaluate. It was hard to hear but I needed to hear it. I was holding on so tightly to my hope in never working again. Even now as I say it I realize how lazy that is to think. Maybe I will get to, but the point is, that our lives aren't always constant. Just when you get comfortable, something uncomfortable happens, and the main thing I need to do is do what God wants for us. He may very well ask me to work again. Maybe in a small form. Maybe not at all...I pray not full time but you never know.
The more I started to believe the lies of feeling "unworthy and wrong for being a working mom" the more God has just healed my heart. He has shown me how loved even working moms are. He has shown me that his word doesn't say working outside of the home is wrong. He has shown me that he loves me still so much and shown me that being right here, working part time is exactly where he wants me. He does give me certain jobs as a woman, wife, and mother and I am called to do those. I am called to make them a priority and not put my job first, and I believe I do that. I believe he has given me grace right here in this moment to do that well and I thank him for that. The more he blesses my heart with just realizing that I am exactly where He wants me, the more I seem to run across story after story, or meet another woman who is working outside of the home and she isn't wrong. Most of them are some of the most godly woman I have ever met. God has given them a job to do within their work that brings him more glory. That grows these woman more.
I have come to realize that me working right now in this moment is no mistake. God always does what brings him the most glory and what is best for us. He loves his children. Whether I get it now or not....this is his best plan for me, and its beautiful. My hubby and I both feel like God is blessing our path of working towards me being home. We will continue to work towards this, but me working outside of the home at certain points during our lives will never mean I am not good enough, that I am disobeying God, or not following his plans. It could mean that for some. It could mean that for us, if we are not seeking out God's provision and following hard after his will for our family. Others families will look different than ours and that is ok. If its one things that I have learned its that I shouldn't put words in God's mouth....as Paul says...if God wills it....we will be here, or we will be there, or do this or do that....only if God wills it. I could sit here and say I hope that I am able to stay at home for the rest of my life. Who knows....homeschooling is something we are strongly considering, but even in that....God may ask me to go back to school, God may ask us to go into missions, God may ask us to move to a state I don't want to move to....all because it brings him glory and its his best for us. He makes no mistakes.....I know that for sure.
It isn't my hope in writing about this to hurt someones feelings. Some people reading this may feel like they were one of the people who hurt my heart in what they said. Please remember that many of the things said were before I was ever even pregnant and I myself agreed with them at the time. I thought that's how God felt too. Until he taught my heart good things about how he really sees women. It's sad, and yet so clever that Satan took things that were said to me so long ago and turned them into lies that he used against me to tear me down, to make me focus so much on these non truths that I couldn't see God's truth through it. God is working on my heart. Realizing it is the lies of the enemy and not other woman saying these things that really hurt me. Instead it is my hope that this will open up peoples eyes to see a different perspective on the working mother topic. It is my hope to bring affirmation to those other working woman out there to know that they need to follow hard after God's plan in their own lives and in their own families...and not compare themselves to others.
Lord I pray for a more willing heart. I pray that as your people our hearts would be broken to not judge others but to love them. To love as you love.
