Sometimes it's so hard to step out on a new limb and make new friends. My heart fears being hurt and broken like it has in the past by some who have trampled it, but what is life without relationships with others? I love that Christ is a perfect example of this. A man who was forsaken and betrayed by many, including some of his closest friends, and yet he still calls us to love even our enemies. On Friday I had the privilege of hanging out with one of my old friends from high school. I had such a good time just chatting and catching up with her. For her to share her heart with me, and I mine with her. I left feeling full and joyful. So blessed to have friends both old and new....the old ones aren't perfect, we've all had our times of growth, growing apart, and some even growing back together again. I've been lacking a lot of confidence lately. Fearing not being good enough for those around me. It was there on Friday night that God just filled me up again. Reminded me how valuable I was. That I was someone worth knowing. For as hard as it is to step out on that limb and make new friends it made me really rejoice that I ever gave people the chance to be my friend in the first place...that someday I could call them old friends. There is so much safety found in old friends. Things that don't have to be explained because they know your fears and your past hurts and they love you for them regardless.
Thank you Kris for a great night and a small glimpse into your life and your heart! Love you!!!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I'm sure there will be many more things that I'll learn as this pregnancy progresses, but for now I just had some funny thoughts on things I've learned since I've been pregnant.
So far I've learned the following...
1 if you forget your ID when you are going to a bar, you can't just look at the bouncer and say "well I am pregnant does that count...do I really even need my ID?"
2. At about 22 weeks it hit me that running when you are pregnant is kind of like someone holding a huge excercise band around your body and just pulling on it behind...you feel like you are going nowhere fast and a simple job is much more difficult than it used to be.
3. The past few weeks I've learned that I make funny grunting noises when bending over now that I don't even realize I am making until others around me laugh at their sound :)
4. Sneezing has somewhat become one of my arch nemesis...I learned at about 15 or 16 weeks that I, a 26 year old can still pee my pants if I sneeze! Time to work on those kegels to prevent that from happening! Good grief!
5. Pregnancy cravings really don't make any sense at all, thought they are more understandable when you are the one who is pregnant and wants something. If I send my husband to the store and really wanted a tombstone pizza that was sausage or pepperoni, I really don't want the california kitchen stone baked pizza that is brought home in its place....I said tombstone. I learned after this incident to go buy my craving foods myself and then I would always get exactly what I wanted.
These are just a few that I thought of this morning. I'm sure there will be plenty more to come as I will be entering my 3rd trimester very soon!
Bridget
So far I've learned the following...
1 if you forget your ID when you are going to a bar, you can't just look at the bouncer and say "well I am pregnant does that count...do I really even need my ID?"
2. At about 22 weeks it hit me that running when you are pregnant is kind of like someone holding a huge excercise band around your body and just pulling on it behind...you feel like you are going nowhere fast and a simple job is much more difficult than it used to be.
3. The past few weeks I've learned that I make funny grunting noises when bending over now that I don't even realize I am making until others around me laugh at their sound :)
4. Sneezing has somewhat become one of my arch nemesis...I learned at about 15 or 16 weeks that I, a 26 year old can still pee my pants if I sneeze! Time to work on those kegels to prevent that from happening! Good grief!
5. Pregnancy cravings really don't make any sense at all, thought they are more understandable when you are the one who is pregnant and wants something. If I send my husband to the store and really wanted a tombstone pizza that was sausage or pepperoni, I really don't want the california kitchen stone baked pizza that is brought home in its place....I said tombstone. I learned after this incident to go buy my craving foods myself and then I would always get exactly what I wanted.
These are just a few that I thought of this morning. I'm sure there will be plenty more to come as I will be entering my 3rd trimester very soon!
Bridget
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Where God's leading us now...
So it's been a long time since I've actually posted on here. I've written a few entries since my last post, but most of them were me venting and I decided to not post them. Today I think I finally have enough courage to blog on something that's been on my heart for awhile. Courage for what you may ask? I fear that my stance on the matter may hurt someone's feelings, and maybe it won't at all, but I know it's a touchy subject, and it would never be my intent to hurt someone at all. I just want to share what God's been doing in me on the matter.
So here it goes....
Before my pregnancy journey ever began...loooonnnggg before, I had my plan of what our family would look like. Dave and I were trying to work hard to put ourselves in a position financially so that someday when we did start a family, I would be able to stay home. Of course at the same time we were trying to slowly put our feet out into the real world. Your parents don't tell you in college what other things you will be expected to pay for once you are completely out of the house...health insurance, life insurance, savings for retirement funds, possible car payments, mortages etc. My parents did a relatively good job of teaching me to provide for myself financially in college by paying for my own books, tuition (if financial aid or scholarships didn't cover it would have been my responsibility..thank God I graduated with no debt!). I was responsible for my groceries, rent, cell phone etc. They helped me out every so often....I would come home and they would fill up my tank with gas, or buy a few groceries for me, if my car needed something fixed it wasn't unheard of for my dad to say "I'll take care of it," but there are so many other "real world" expenses you don't think about.
Dave and I lived in an apartment for 3 years before we bought our house, and by no means is our house extravagent. It's a 1350sq ft single story ranch with three bedrooms, but has the perfect roomy layout for our needs, and our mortgage payment was fractions more than our rent. We finally decided to take the plunge and strive to find something that was a conservative price once we realized we probably wouldn't be able for me to fully afford to stay home even in the apartment.
We budget our groceries- shop sales, and Aldi whenever we can. Our home improvements have all been done by us or with our family and friends helping us as much as we can. We've made our share of mistakes....started to travel down the path of getting pulled into the world of 0% interest for x amount of months if you buy this material item.....we did that a few times. Never had to pay extra interest cause we paid it off before the time was up, but still it was stupid....we should have saved and bought it outright. We no longer have those payments to make which is wonderful!
For quite awhile Dave and I had been praying about whether or not to start a family...I wanted to be a mom so badly, but it wasn't in MY timing. If I were to become a mom now I knew I wouldn't be able to stay at home full time, it scared the crap out of me to think of the what ifs (as in what if God asked us to scrimp and scrape and I didn't even know how....in order for me to be full time stay at home mom). So we waited. For a little while we felt like God might even be leading us to adopt...not for any reason that we were infertile, just because our hearts just felt so eager whenever someone talked to us about adoption, etc.
My timeline looked something like this: Dave is still in school currently and working fulltime. He will be done in spring of 2012, at that point or maybe a little before we can try getting pregnant, and by the time we have the baby he should have a new, better paying job, with great benefits, and I can stay home.
Even looking back at it I see what a selfish heart I had. Kind of makes me ashamed.
As Dave and I started talking more about having a family we both realized....just because you graduate doesn't magically mean that some perfect job appears out of nowhere. It started to hit me that maybe, just maybe...we'd still be stuck in the same position two years from now, and then how would I feel if all this time we wanted to start our family and we waited selfishly..only to find out that we could have started long before and still be in the same situation.
This past June we went to our churches summer conference in Carbondale IL. Had a long conversation about starting a family on the way home. Came home and prayed....on our knees and just prayed, hard. God completely broke us. There is no doubt in either of our minds of what God said....to just let go and trust him with our family and that he would provide. What a scary moment that was. To trust him with so much unseen when my heart ultimately wanted so badly to stay at home and I had no idea if that would happen or not. Nevertheless, I believe it was a little over one month later that we found out we were pregnant. God's timing?? For sure!
The next few months were so exciting- places that Dave had been applying at for 2 years called him...all of them! He had interviews at each. Each time he was contacted I felt like God just kept saying "I've got it, just trust me." Well interviews came and went quite awhile ago, positions have either been filled, or no phone calls ever called to let us know the outcome...either way it's over the amount of time it should have taken them to contact Dave and now my thoughts turn to now what?
Early on in our pregnancy Dave and I had sat down and discussed somethings. One thing he said that really stuck with me is this "Bridget, we need to do what we feel led by God to do for our family. No one elses. God leads some to stay at home, others to work part time, and it doesn't matter what others do. What matters is that we are obedience to what God is asking of us." It's helped me so many times to remember that as we've been going through this process. The more I prayed about what God had for us even in those potential new jobs I realized that each of them required sacrifice...it still wouldn't be the perfect scenario. He had applied for a job at ISU, but the pay would still be just barely enough that I might even still have to keep working some, and then we would no longer have the perks of Dave's job which is get this....free daycare. Free daycare! Are you kidding me Bridget how ungrateful are you!!! Did I even realize how many people would love to be in my position right now? He also applied for a job at U of I- would have been driving down there early in the morning cause it was a bakery job and increasing our gas bill per month because of the 1hr and 45 min drive total every day. Another job that we thought would be perfect, and definitely would have allowed me to stay at home relatively quickly after the baby was born (maybe not immediately) just didn't work out even though the interview went really well. Now I didn't understand why God would have all of these jobs come up after years of applying for them and none of them workout.
I personally still am not saying something won't happen at the last minute, or even after the baby arrives that circumstances might change, but I do know that all I can do now is plan with the resources God has given us.
Halfway through this process I suddenly realized that God might not just change Dave's job, but he could have something for me as well. I applied for a position that was work from home at a local woman's ministry but nothing came out of it. Still, I felt God just saying you won't know unless you try. I tried. It didn't work out, but at least I explored options. I had tried things in the past...Mary Kay, real estate, and even played with the idea of photography, and still even now I know that all those things were done in my effort to control and provide for us, without seeking God's will in it. One night, not too long ago Dave and I talked about photography....I love it, but the hours I would work would take me away on weekends...which I love to have with Dave, and in the evenings which are our current family time. Dave said "my goal is for you to stay home and it may just be a little while before you can fully do that, but if you start a business up in the process then that will be something you have to do from home later when financially we might not even need that extra income. A lesson in patience. To trust my husband and ultimately trust God's provision.
Now comes the tricky part...the part where people may or may not disagree with me and that's ok. I am just speaking about what God's been teaching us and I don't think God has a one size fits all mold. As I've prayed and sought out God's biblical wisdom on working mothers I can't find anything against mother's working outside the home. I've found passages on training and rearing your children, on managing your home wisely, etc, but nowhere does it point blank say "Thou shalt not work outside the home, but should stay at hometh." There are several examples in the bible of women taking their children with them in their "trade." I think our responsibility as mothers lies in this: if we aren't fulfilling our duties as a mom and a wife first before work then our priorities aren't straight and something has to change, however if we are able to balance these things all together and put God first through all of it, I don't think there is a problem with working outside the home. So as I prayed and prayed for God to let me stay at home I can't quite say that it was a fair praye. That it was unselfish of me to do so. He's changed my heart to accept this current plan in front of me. Do I still want to stay home? Of course, but doing so would be selfish of me in not trusting and respecting what God has currently asked of Dave and I. Does this mean this plan is forever? Of course not. Two months after I go back to work, we may evaluate what we are doing and say "this isn't working," and just keep praying for God's provision in what he has for our family. He may stretch us to save more, to scrimp more and open our eyes to how this could happen. Currently I have no idea, but I do know one thing....for me to ignore all the ways God was already blessing us in our current jobs, with Dave getting free daycare, I get uniform allowance, and hardly pay any gas at all per week....yes we've done the math....it all makes sense. We are so blessed! I have a friend who is expecting twins in January, she has no choice but to quit her job and stay at home, which will force them to live off of some of their savings until her husband can find a better job. Yes, we are so truly blessed to be where God has placed us! I've had people say hurtful things to me about staying at home. Things that sting and are hard to just set aside and not hold against them. With that I repeat again that it doesn't matter what people say or think about us, what matters is that we are striving to live out God's will for our lives.
There are many options when it comes to scrimping and scraping, trying to make ends meet, and if your income is at a certain level you can qualify for state aid. Dave and I talked about it. If I were to not work at all, Dave were to only be working and never get a raise cause he is right at the cut off point, and live penny to penny paycheck to paycheck we could do it, but Dave doesn't feel comfortable doing so, and I respect him for that. He doesn't want to contribute to the current position of Illinois already being in the financial mess that it is, and how long will these programs really last anyway? Something may have to go and it could be something we are relying onto live if we choose that. So we chose not to. Do I think it's wrong to get aid? No, we just felt like it wasn't what God had for us.
Another thing that really helped solidify me going back to work was our giving. If we lived paycheck to paycheck there wouldn't be any money left over to bless people with. To invite people into our homes and afford feeding them. Let alone some areas that we are praying to be stretched in daily in giving...which God may or may not ask us to give large sums of money. Our tithe will never be something we compromise. It is commanded in the bible and we will not give that up. This can be frustrating at times cause if you see all the nice cars everyone else buys etc....well our tithe check could help us afford to get those things. It's a huge chunk of our salaries....second highest bill only being beat out by our mortgage payment. We've been comfortable at our current tithe rate for awhile, and whose to say God won't stretch us in this area.
I've realized since really praying in this area that the whole stay at home mom vs working mom battle is a brutal area. Full of judgement, envy, fear of disappointing others, and harsh bitter words. Is this truly how God expects us to love his children? By judging them? I used to be of them mindset that every mother was supposed to stay at home, they were just too selfish to figure out what needed to be cut out of their budget to figure out how to stay at home. I am so ashamed of myself for being in that category. I've actually realized how some stay at home moms could be just as selfish as working moms if they are being so selfish that their husband has to work 2 jobs to make ends meet, he is never home to see his family, husband never wanted her to quit her job in the first place but she whined and nagged enough that she got her way.....that's all wrong too. Being disrespectful to my husband? Definite sin. In this same way working moms really maybe relying on money instead of trusting God, but both situations...working moms and stay at home moms could also be being very obedient to what God has asked of them and trusting their husbands to lead them. This again is why I find it so important to stress....your family needs to do what God is leading you to do, not what the rest of the world is doing.
So what is our current plan? Well I am actually pretty excited about it. I've been able to find some really affordable health insurance to cover me once the baby is here, that actually has maternity coverage that starts immediately in case we get pregnant again quickly(not saying I'm planning that!) which most individual plans won't cover it for 12 months. This means I don't have to work full time since we were relying on my health insurance. I will be working 3 days a week and the baby will be going with Dave to work at the daycare he works at. I'm excited about this plan. Things really started to hit me about a month ago when we were talking about working and being a Christian in the work place in our small groups at church. I heard Dave talking about how much he loved his job and it just killed me to think about me being so selfish that I would rip him out of something he liked so much which wonderful hours where he would actually get to spend weekends at home and see us at night....something that doesn't exist in the restaurant industry at all...well that is just another blessing in and of itself!
God's plan is so wonderful even if it's much different then mine. It doesn't mean he won't take us down another path in the near future, but regardless I always trust that his plan is better than mine!
So here it goes....
Before my pregnancy journey ever began...loooonnnggg before, I had my plan of what our family would look like. Dave and I were trying to work hard to put ourselves in a position financially so that someday when we did start a family, I would be able to stay home. Of course at the same time we were trying to slowly put our feet out into the real world. Your parents don't tell you in college what other things you will be expected to pay for once you are completely out of the house...health insurance, life insurance, savings for retirement funds, possible car payments, mortages etc. My parents did a relatively good job of teaching me to provide for myself financially in college by paying for my own books, tuition (if financial aid or scholarships didn't cover it would have been my responsibility..thank God I graduated with no debt!). I was responsible for my groceries, rent, cell phone etc. They helped me out every so often....I would come home and they would fill up my tank with gas, or buy a few groceries for me, if my car needed something fixed it wasn't unheard of for my dad to say "I'll take care of it," but there are so many other "real world" expenses you don't think about.
Dave and I lived in an apartment for 3 years before we bought our house, and by no means is our house extravagent. It's a 1350sq ft single story ranch with three bedrooms, but has the perfect roomy layout for our needs, and our mortgage payment was fractions more than our rent. We finally decided to take the plunge and strive to find something that was a conservative price once we realized we probably wouldn't be able for me to fully afford to stay home even in the apartment.
We budget our groceries- shop sales, and Aldi whenever we can. Our home improvements have all been done by us or with our family and friends helping us as much as we can. We've made our share of mistakes....started to travel down the path of getting pulled into the world of 0% interest for x amount of months if you buy this material item.....we did that a few times. Never had to pay extra interest cause we paid it off before the time was up, but still it was stupid....we should have saved and bought it outright. We no longer have those payments to make which is wonderful!
For quite awhile Dave and I had been praying about whether or not to start a family...I wanted to be a mom so badly, but it wasn't in MY timing. If I were to become a mom now I knew I wouldn't be able to stay at home full time, it scared the crap out of me to think of the what ifs (as in what if God asked us to scrimp and scrape and I didn't even know how....in order for me to be full time stay at home mom). So we waited. For a little while we felt like God might even be leading us to adopt...not for any reason that we were infertile, just because our hearts just felt so eager whenever someone talked to us about adoption, etc.
My timeline looked something like this: Dave is still in school currently and working fulltime. He will be done in spring of 2012, at that point or maybe a little before we can try getting pregnant, and by the time we have the baby he should have a new, better paying job, with great benefits, and I can stay home.
Even looking back at it I see what a selfish heart I had. Kind of makes me ashamed.
As Dave and I started talking more about having a family we both realized....just because you graduate doesn't magically mean that some perfect job appears out of nowhere. It started to hit me that maybe, just maybe...we'd still be stuck in the same position two years from now, and then how would I feel if all this time we wanted to start our family and we waited selfishly..only to find out that we could have started long before and still be in the same situation.
This past June we went to our churches summer conference in Carbondale IL. Had a long conversation about starting a family on the way home. Came home and prayed....on our knees and just prayed, hard. God completely broke us. There is no doubt in either of our minds of what God said....to just let go and trust him with our family and that he would provide. What a scary moment that was. To trust him with so much unseen when my heart ultimately wanted so badly to stay at home and I had no idea if that would happen or not. Nevertheless, I believe it was a little over one month later that we found out we were pregnant. God's timing?? For sure!
The next few months were so exciting- places that Dave had been applying at for 2 years called him...all of them! He had interviews at each. Each time he was contacted I felt like God just kept saying "I've got it, just trust me." Well interviews came and went quite awhile ago, positions have either been filled, or no phone calls ever called to let us know the outcome...either way it's over the amount of time it should have taken them to contact Dave and now my thoughts turn to now what?
Early on in our pregnancy Dave and I had sat down and discussed somethings. One thing he said that really stuck with me is this "Bridget, we need to do what we feel led by God to do for our family. No one elses. God leads some to stay at home, others to work part time, and it doesn't matter what others do. What matters is that we are obedience to what God is asking of us." It's helped me so many times to remember that as we've been going through this process. The more I prayed about what God had for us even in those potential new jobs I realized that each of them required sacrifice...it still wouldn't be the perfect scenario. He had applied for a job at ISU, but the pay would still be just barely enough that I might even still have to keep working some, and then we would no longer have the perks of Dave's job which is get this....free daycare. Free daycare! Are you kidding me Bridget how ungrateful are you!!! Did I even realize how many people would love to be in my position right now? He also applied for a job at U of I- would have been driving down there early in the morning cause it was a bakery job and increasing our gas bill per month because of the 1hr and 45 min drive total every day. Another job that we thought would be perfect, and definitely would have allowed me to stay at home relatively quickly after the baby was born (maybe not immediately) just didn't work out even though the interview went really well. Now I didn't understand why God would have all of these jobs come up after years of applying for them and none of them workout.
I personally still am not saying something won't happen at the last minute, or even after the baby arrives that circumstances might change, but I do know that all I can do now is plan with the resources God has given us.
Halfway through this process I suddenly realized that God might not just change Dave's job, but he could have something for me as well. I applied for a position that was work from home at a local woman's ministry but nothing came out of it. Still, I felt God just saying you won't know unless you try. I tried. It didn't work out, but at least I explored options. I had tried things in the past...Mary Kay, real estate, and even played with the idea of photography, and still even now I know that all those things were done in my effort to control and provide for us, without seeking God's will in it. One night, not too long ago Dave and I talked about photography....I love it, but the hours I would work would take me away on weekends...which I love to have with Dave, and in the evenings which are our current family time. Dave said "my goal is for you to stay home and it may just be a little while before you can fully do that, but if you start a business up in the process then that will be something you have to do from home later when financially we might not even need that extra income. A lesson in patience. To trust my husband and ultimately trust God's provision.
Now comes the tricky part...the part where people may or may not disagree with me and that's ok. I am just speaking about what God's been teaching us and I don't think God has a one size fits all mold. As I've prayed and sought out God's biblical wisdom on working mothers I can't find anything against mother's working outside the home. I've found passages on training and rearing your children, on managing your home wisely, etc, but nowhere does it point blank say "Thou shalt not work outside the home, but should stay at hometh." There are several examples in the bible of women taking their children with them in their "trade." I think our responsibility as mothers lies in this: if we aren't fulfilling our duties as a mom and a wife first before work then our priorities aren't straight and something has to change, however if we are able to balance these things all together and put God first through all of it, I don't think there is a problem with working outside the home. So as I prayed and prayed for God to let me stay at home I can't quite say that it was a fair praye. That it was unselfish of me to do so. He's changed my heart to accept this current plan in front of me. Do I still want to stay home? Of course, but doing so would be selfish of me in not trusting and respecting what God has currently asked of Dave and I. Does this mean this plan is forever? Of course not. Two months after I go back to work, we may evaluate what we are doing and say "this isn't working," and just keep praying for God's provision in what he has for our family. He may stretch us to save more, to scrimp more and open our eyes to how this could happen. Currently I have no idea, but I do know one thing....for me to ignore all the ways God was already blessing us in our current jobs, with Dave getting free daycare, I get uniform allowance, and hardly pay any gas at all per week....yes we've done the math....it all makes sense. We are so blessed! I have a friend who is expecting twins in January, she has no choice but to quit her job and stay at home, which will force them to live off of some of their savings until her husband can find a better job. Yes, we are so truly blessed to be where God has placed us! I've had people say hurtful things to me about staying at home. Things that sting and are hard to just set aside and not hold against them. With that I repeat again that it doesn't matter what people say or think about us, what matters is that we are striving to live out God's will for our lives.
There are many options when it comes to scrimping and scraping, trying to make ends meet, and if your income is at a certain level you can qualify for state aid. Dave and I talked about it. If I were to not work at all, Dave were to only be working and never get a raise cause he is right at the cut off point, and live penny to penny paycheck to paycheck we could do it, but Dave doesn't feel comfortable doing so, and I respect him for that. He doesn't want to contribute to the current position of Illinois already being in the financial mess that it is, and how long will these programs really last anyway? Something may have to go and it could be something we are relying onto live if we choose that. So we chose not to. Do I think it's wrong to get aid? No, we just felt like it wasn't what God had for us.
Another thing that really helped solidify me going back to work was our giving. If we lived paycheck to paycheck there wouldn't be any money left over to bless people with. To invite people into our homes and afford feeding them. Let alone some areas that we are praying to be stretched in daily in giving...which God may or may not ask us to give large sums of money. Our tithe will never be something we compromise. It is commanded in the bible and we will not give that up. This can be frustrating at times cause if you see all the nice cars everyone else buys etc....well our tithe check could help us afford to get those things. It's a huge chunk of our salaries....second highest bill only being beat out by our mortgage payment. We've been comfortable at our current tithe rate for awhile, and whose to say God won't stretch us in this area.
I've realized since really praying in this area that the whole stay at home mom vs working mom battle is a brutal area. Full of judgement, envy, fear of disappointing others, and harsh bitter words. Is this truly how God expects us to love his children? By judging them? I used to be of them mindset that every mother was supposed to stay at home, they were just too selfish to figure out what needed to be cut out of their budget to figure out how to stay at home. I am so ashamed of myself for being in that category. I've actually realized how some stay at home moms could be just as selfish as working moms if they are being so selfish that their husband has to work 2 jobs to make ends meet, he is never home to see his family, husband never wanted her to quit her job in the first place but she whined and nagged enough that she got her way.....that's all wrong too. Being disrespectful to my husband? Definite sin. In this same way working moms really maybe relying on money instead of trusting God, but both situations...working moms and stay at home moms could also be being very obedient to what God has asked of them and trusting their husbands to lead them. This again is why I find it so important to stress....your family needs to do what God is leading you to do, not what the rest of the world is doing.
So what is our current plan? Well I am actually pretty excited about it. I've been able to find some really affordable health insurance to cover me once the baby is here, that actually has maternity coverage that starts immediately in case we get pregnant again quickly(not saying I'm planning that!) which most individual plans won't cover it for 12 months. This means I don't have to work full time since we were relying on my health insurance. I will be working 3 days a week and the baby will be going with Dave to work at the daycare he works at. I'm excited about this plan. Things really started to hit me about a month ago when we were talking about working and being a Christian in the work place in our small groups at church. I heard Dave talking about how much he loved his job and it just killed me to think about me being so selfish that I would rip him out of something he liked so much which wonderful hours where he would actually get to spend weekends at home and see us at night....something that doesn't exist in the restaurant industry at all...well that is just another blessing in and of itself!
God's plan is so wonderful even if it's much different then mine. It doesn't mean he won't take us down another path in the near future, but regardless I always trust that his plan is better than mine!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I recently read about a promotion on my friend Jill's blog for 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly! What?! Awesome! I love selecting pictures every year to choose for our holiday cards. What not get a little bonus in the process...for free!
I've seen some of the options that they have to offer now. Not just your average elongated 4 X 6 photo with Christmas greeting caption, but now you can even put your own picture on actual card itself and write your own holiday message. Pretty exciting stuff!
I'm trying to decide what to do this year for our cards...just picture that we sign, or picture card, or picture with letter on different paper. So many choices!
Shutterfly has some awesome products so feel free to check them out at some of the following links:
Make your own Christmas cards at:
· http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards
Start the year out right with pictures of those you love most on every page of your calender this year!!
· wall calendar to http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars
And one of my favorites...the canvas wall art! I love it's sleek design and frameless beauty!
· canvas art to http://www.shutterfly.com/home-decor/canvas-wall-art
·
If you want to learn more about this free over, visit this link and get your free cards today!
http://bit.ly/sfly2010
Happy Holidays!
I've seen some of the options that they have to offer now. Not just your average elongated 4 X 6 photo with Christmas greeting caption, but now you can even put your own picture on actual card itself and write your own holiday message. Pretty exciting stuff!
I'm trying to decide what to do this year for our cards...just picture that we sign, or picture card, or picture with letter on different paper. So many choices!
Shutterfly has some awesome products so feel free to check them out at some of the following links:
Make your own Christmas cards at:
· http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards
Start the year out right with pictures of those you love most on every page of your calender this year!!
· wall calendar to http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars
And one of my favorites...the canvas wall art! I love it's sleek design and frameless beauty!
· canvas art to http://www.shutterfly.com/home-decor/canvas-wall-art
·
If you want to learn more about this free over, visit this link and get your free cards today!
http://bit.ly/sfly2010
Happy Holidays!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Delight
Having a rough day today....mostly about my body changes. It hasn't bugged me up until this point and it's not really the way my body looks that bugs me, but the number on the scale that scares me. I know I know...I really need to get on here more often to report the good and the bad, but it's hard to have motivation to get on here and writing is one way I express myself. I've tried to shake it off all day, and I just can't and when that happens...writing helps a lot!
As I hit the 4th week of my 2nd trimester I can't help but notice the number on the scale going up more rapidly....I want to hit the scale. Tell it to stop, but it's higher than last week. It's inevitable now. I evaluate the food I eat, but know that I am still nauseous and still have to eat lots of carbs in order to prevent the nausea. Veggies are starting to sound somewhat normal again, but it's just rough. Probably rough because we ordered pizza at work yesterday and I have now had pizza two days in a row. That in and of itself makes me feel like a fatty, but I have to remember....of course I will indulge sometimes, it's indulging all the time and over eating that will get me into trouble. So it's been a bad couple of days! It's ok. Breath Bridget.....you...will...be...fine. I exercise. I try to eat well most of the time (or at least what I can stomach at the time). If I gain a few extra pounds oh well! God change my heart to not be so hard on myself. Who am I disappointing if I gain a few pounds anyway? No one. Just the expectation I set for myself to look good in front of others....who cares anymore! This isn't jr high.
I read part of a chapter in psalms this morning and a few verses struck me:
All from Psalm 18
vs 6 "...he heard my voice"
vs16-17a "He reached down from on high and took hold of me, he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy."
vs 19b "...he rescued me, because he delighted in me"
(that one just took my breath away...He delights in me!)
vs 32 "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect
vs 34a "He trains my hands for battle"
vs 35a "You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me"
Thank you God for knowing exactly what I need. Lord may my pregnancy be something I give to you. To honor you with it. Glorify you in it. Love you more through it. Thank you for life. Thank you for my health- to be able to carry a healthy baby and be blessed with no worries. Thank you for energy and a somewhat normal appetite that is returning....to be able to still be active and exercising in pregnancy is such a blessing! Lord teach me to trust that you really do delight in me. That you created me as a perfect me...exactly who you wanted me to be. Whether that means I gain a pound or two more in pregnancy then the textbook says, if I get an extra stretch mark, if nothing changes with our jobs for me to stay home...whatever it is Lord, are you not still God? Are you not still above all of it? Creator of the universe?
Forgive me for questioning your sovereignty. Forgive me for critiquing the beautiful masterpiece of your creation that you created to be me. It's an insult to you to tear down such a thing that you intended to be so wonderful. Thank you for delighting in me!
As I hit the 4th week of my 2nd trimester I can't help but notice the number on the scale going up more rapidly....I want to hit the scale. Tell it to stop, but it's higher than last week. It's inevitable now. I evaluate the food I eat, but know that I am still nauseous and still have to eat lots of carbs in order to prevent the nausea. Veggies are starting to sound somewhat normal again, but it's just rough. Probably rough because we ordered pizza at work yesterday and I have now had pizza two days in a row. That in and of itself makes me feel like a fatty, but I have to remember....of course I will indulge sometimes, it's indulging all the time and over eating that will get me into trouble. So it's been a bad couple of days! It's ok. Breath Bridget.....you...will...be...fine. I exercise. I try to eat well most of the time (or at least what I can stomach at the time). If I gain a few extra pounds oh well! God change my heart to not be so hard on myself. Who am I disappointing if I gain a few pounds anyway? No one. Just the expectation I set for myself to look good in front of others....who cares anymore! This isn't jr high.
I read part of a chapter in psalms this morning and a few verses struck me:
All from Psalm 18
vs 6 "...he heard my voice"
vs16-17a "He reached down from on high and took hold of me, he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy."
vs 19b "...he rescued me, because he delighted in me"
(that one just took my breath away...He delights in me!)
vs 32 "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect
vs 34a "He trains my hands for battle"
vs 35a "You give me your shield of victory and your right hand sustains me"
Thank you God for knowing exactly what I need. Lord may my pregnancy be something I give to you. To honor you with it. Glorify you in it. Love you more through it. Thank you for life. Thank you for my health- to be able to carry a healthy baby and be blessed with no worries. Thank you for energy and a somewhat normal appetite that is returning....to be able to still be active and exercising in pregnancy is such a blessing! Lord teach me to trust that you really do delight in me. That you created me as a perfect me...exactly who you wanted me to be. Whether that means I gain a pound or two more in pregnancy then the textbook says, if I get an extra stretch mark, if nothing changes with our jobs for me to stay home...whatever it is Lord, are you not still God? Are you not still above all of it? Creator of the universe?
Forgive me for questioning your sovereignty. Forgive me for critiquing the beautiful masterpiece of your creation that you created to be me. It's an insult to you to tear down such a thing that you intended to be so wonderful. Thank you for delighting in me!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Happy day!
Praise God! I found maternity hoodies :) Not ready for them yet, but I was really starting to get sad that I might not fit into some of my favorite, coziest hoodies this winter...think again! That's all for today....short I know, but I am starting to get more energy back as I head into second trimester...more to post soon and maybe a 12 week ultrasound pic next week :)
Saturday, August 21, 2010
So many changes....
So it's been awhile since I posted. Lots has happened in a few short weeks. My belly does not yet look pregnant to the outside world but to me I can see it's slightly swollen state. The nausea set in about week 6. Tolerable at first and then this past week has been somewhat of a bear to deal with. Fatigue, nausea, vomiting...I'm feeling much better today and more like myself. My hubby and I took the week off from work as a sort of stay-cation. Dave's dad has been in kidney failure for quite sometime, and finally got to the point where he was either going to have to have a kidney transplant or go on dialysis. Miraculously, Dave's mom was a perfect match. So the transplant took place this week. We have been making almost daily trips over to a hospital about 45 minutes from here. So rest this week....eh not so much. Not to paint a sad picture but honestly there are pieces of me that wishes I wouldn't have used my vacation days knowing all too well that vacations may not exist for a long time for us. Knowing that ever since we bought the house we've poured so much heart and soul into home improvement projects, that affording vacations took the back burner, and yes I know I am whining, but darnit....I might not be able to have time with the hubby alone for along time!
The reality of having a baby is setting in and I'm not mad, but I'm allowing myself to have a temper tantrum for just a few moments. It feels good to actually let it out! I think I've been holding it in for awhile now.
Dave and I both have been looking at different job possibilities. My heart has always wanted to stay home when we start our family, but it also scares me to death. Questions like "Am I selfish?," or "what if we cannot afford it?," or "what if God doesn't want that for me?" plaque my mind. I was a little disappointed when I received an email from a place that I thought might be a huge answer to prayer. The position was to oversee marketing for a local women's ministry. Something that my heart has felt drawn to for a long time, but I never really knew how to get out of the veterinary world and into something I was passionate about. I saw the position posted online and just felt like God said "hey you never know unless you apply for it." So I did. I know I am capable of doing it, even though its different then what I have done before. The email I received was odd though....they told me they were just finishing up their first round of interviews and if they did not find an eligible candidate would include me in their second round of interviews. Now does that even make sense? To me the door seems closed, but at the same time they may interview those candidates and feel like none of them is what they are looking for. I have to trust God and know what he is doing in all of this. To know that even if someone else gets that position he is still sovereign. He still has his best waiting for me whatever that is. The reason the position is so great is that most of the work can be done from home. To know that I could still make some income, and be working in ministry...what a blessing that would be! I cannot get my hopes up though and just have to trust God's purpose in all of this.
I'm praying hard for Dave to get a position at 1 of 2 nearby universities. The benefits at either are amazing and pay would be much higher than his current. He took an exam yesterday at one, and looks like his competition is pretty slim. So here's hoping for an interview! If he got the position yes I would be able to afford to stay home with a little extra, but the lack of extra is what is scary....no longer would we have lots of extra every month to save etc. It's been so long since I've had to even consider living from paycheck to paycheck and the thought scares me! I pray that God will change my heart to know and trust that wherever he leads us is his perfect plan.
The other day I was reading through Exodus and came to the story about the manna when the Israelites didn't have any food and God provided bread for them. His specific instructions were to take only what they needed for that day. Reading this story just gave me a glimpse into knowing that sometimes that is exactly how God works. In the day by day....not looking forward to 3 months from now or even 3 years from now, but to trust him today. After all he did ask us to let go and trust him with our family and that he would provide right? Right. His plans are so much better than mine. I should know that by now! It's so scary but I must say the last few months have been some of our best yet and I have God to thank for that!
The reality of having a baby is setting in and I'm not mad, but I'm allowing myself to have a temper tantrum for just a few moments. It feels good to actually let it out! I think I've been holding it in for awhile now.
Dave and I both have been looking at different job possibilities. My heart has always wanted to stay home when we start our family, but it also scares me to death. Questions like "Am I selfish?," or "what if we cannot afford it?," or "what if God doesn't want that for me?" plaque my mind. I was a little disappointed when I received an email from a place that I thought might be a huge answer to prayer. The position was to oversee marketing for a local women's ministry. Something that my heart has felt drawn to for a long time, but I never really knew how to get out of the veterinary world and into something I was passionate about. I saw the position posted online and just felt like God said "hey you never know unless you apply for it." So I did. I know I am capable of doing it, even though its different then what I have done before. The email I received was odd though....they told me they were just finishing up their first round of interviews and if they did not find an eligible candidate would include me in their second round of interviews. Now does that even make sense? To me the door seems closed, but at the same time they may interview those candidates and feel like none of them is what they are looking for. I have to trust God and know what he is doing in all of this. To know that even if someone else gets that position he is still sovereign. He still has his best waiting for me whatever that is. The reason the position is so great is that most of the work can be done from home. To know that I could still make some income, and be working in ministry...what a blessing that would be! I cannot get my hopes up though and just have to trust God's purpose in all of this.
I'm praying hard for Dave to get a position at 1 of 2 nearby universities. The benefits at either are amazing and pay would be much higher than his current. He took an exam yesterday at one, and looks like his competition is pretty slim. So here's hoping for an interview! If he got the position yes I would be able to afford to stay home with a little extra, but the lack of extra is what is scary....no longer would we have lots of extra every month to save etc. It's been so long since I've had to even consider living from paycheck to paycheck and the thought scares me! I pray that God will change my heart to know and trust that wherever he leads us is his perfect plan.
The other day I was reading through Exodus and came to the story about the manna when the Israelites didn't have any food and God provided bread for them. His specific instructions were to take only what they needed for that day. Reading this story just gave me a glimpse into knowing that sometimes that is exactly how God works. In the day by day....not looking forward to 3 months from now or even 3 years from now, but to trust him today. After all he did ask us to let go and trust him with our family and that he would provide right? Right. His plans are so much better than mine. I should know that by now! It's so scary but I must say the last few months have been some of our best yet and I have God to thank for that!
Friday, July 23, 2010
A changed heart, and new beginnings
Who knows what might become of my blog in the future. It may just continue to be my random mumbles of what is going on in my brain, or maybe someday it will touch someones life, but for now I just feel compelled to write when I feel like I want to do so. I was thinking about it tonight a lot. How I do enjoy writing. Enjoy reaching people in someway, shape, or form. To change their life just a little bit because God allowed me to do so....always desiring for it to change someone for the better. Never to harm or hurt. Why did I think about this blog a lot tonight? I began to wonder if the words I say really could change someone's heart. Could meet a need someone might have, or touch them to their very depths. I write this because I have an ongoing struggle that stares me in the face daily. One that started with a sickening obsession with the number on a bathroom scale. One that stares back at me daily from a bathroom mirror. It's changed my heart forever and I wish I wouldn't have ever started to go down the path of it, but still I praise God for my heart that's been forever changed. Changed first for the worst, and now a continuing fight to tightly hold onto my grasp of the best. It's a fight that's led me to know what calories are contained in everything. To nit pick at myself whenever I indulge a little bit. A fight that nags at me to never just enjoy life. Instead I hear that voice...the voice that says life will be horrible if you are fat or even a little overweight. The voice I fight to run from when my body aches and longs to stay in bed in the morning and avoid a morning workout. I'm learning....learning how much God truly loves me. Learning that my husband fell in love with me at 20+ pounds ago...so why would he love me any less if I gained a pound or two? Psalm 139 has brought continual reassurance to my broken heart as God has tried to free me of this burden...
and you know me.
Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched meand you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I am reminded of all this tonight why? Because I found out a week ago I am pregnant! I am so excited about this new journey in our lives! Ecstatic really, but its already hard. To already be feeling my changing body. To start to worry it won't ever go back. To look at the bikini I bought the week before with tags still on it...wondering if I should take it back? Will I ever be able to wear it? If I keep it how cruel would it be to force myself to be able to fit perfectly into it next summer...awful thoughts. I eat weird things now which make me worried because of some of my lack of control that I will gain more than I should. It's all lies God! Please just take it away. Give me the strength to eat healthy and take care of myself and our baby.
To my little one:
My dear sweet baby,
Oh how long my heart has longed for you! My eyes welled with tears the moment I knew we would soon be expecting you! Your daddy was shocked! Knew it was possible, but very surprised that you would be coming so soon! God's timing is so perfect though. The moment we felt his peace to just trust in Him and His timing, and we finally let go....He knew right where He wanted you. He always has! I pray for you so often. That you would grow healthy and strong. That God would protect you and give you all that you need. May he bless both of us as I carry you...that my heart would be forever changed to love others more than myself and finally put my struggles of selfishness and pride to rest. To love you like Christ loves His church. Your daddy and I are so blessed! We already love you so much!
Love always,
Mommy
Monday, June 21, 2010
To my future babies...
To my future babies....
I was thinking about you a lot today. My heart started to open up more to the thought of you. Don't you ever think for a moment that I didn't want you! No that was never it. I have always wanted you! I'm just so selfish I wanted to see my heart change so that you would never enter a world were you would feel like you were a regret. That never, not even for a moment would you feel like your mamma even had a hint of remorse over you. That you will always know you were and are wanted and loved...always! I started thinking about what it would feel like to feel you kick inside me, to be up with you all night because you just couldn't settle yourself down. I wondered what it would feel like the day I might have to go back after maternity leave and leave you. Leave you in someone else's care, for someone else to teach you, and love on you. Oh how I pray so often to be able to stay home with you. I hope that even the pieces of me that are scared I'll be a bad mamma and get too frustrated with you if I am home all day....that God takes those away. That he would change my heart to love you forever. To raise you up with your daddy to love Jesus. To know him and make all decisions in your life based off of his loving guidance. That you would be obedient to him even when it hurts. That you would know we are proud of you! That we love you so much! I can't wait for you to meet your daddy and I someday....your daddy is such an amazing man. I am so blessed to be able to call him my husband. Until God says its time for you to come....I'll continue praying for his timing. To know that you were completely his plan from the beginning!
I was thinking about you a lot today. My heart started to open up more to the thought of you. Don't you ever think for a moment that I didn't want you! No that was never it. I have always wanted you! I'm just so selfish I wanted to see my heart change so that you would never enter a world were you would feel like you were a regret. That never, not even for a moment would you feel like your mamma even had a hint of remorse over you. That you will always know you were and are wanted and loved...always! I started thinking about what it would feel like to feel you kick inside me, to be up with you all night because you just couldn't settle yourself down. I wondered what it would feel like the day I might have to go back after maternity leave and leave you. Leave you in someone else's care, for someone else to teach you, and love on you. Oh how I pray so often to be able to stay home with you. I hope that even the pieces of me that are scared I'll be a bad mamma and get too frustrated with you if I am home all day....that God takes those away. That he would change my heart to love you forever. To raise you up with your daddy to love Jesus. To know him and make all decisions in your life based off of his loving guidance. That you would be obedient to him even when it hurts. That you would know we are proud of you! That we love you so much! I can't wait for you to meet your daddy and I someday....your daddy is such an amazing man. I am so blessed to be able to call him my husband. Until God says its time for you to come....I'll continue praying for his timing. To know that you were completely his plan from the beginning!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Heart's Desire
The other day on a Christian radio station I was listening to some people calling in about what they "did" for work or were passionate about. This one lady called in and talked about how she was older...maybe 40s and had decided to go back to cosmetology school. She felt called to go and God has blessed every step of the way for her....even her new business. It got me thinking about my passions. Sometimes I still feel so ashamed that at 26 years old I still don't know what it really is that I want. I love science. Biology in specific, and I don't think that God would bless anyone any less if there were science teacher vs someone in ministry....I think its just something that if God calls you to do it, you are obedient to it. Which makes me wonder also.....are we always going to love our jobs or lack thereof? I would have to say no....do I always feel like I am head over heels for my husband...no. Most days yes :) but not always! I guess it's more about whether or not we serve God in every part of the jobs or tasks that he has given to us...that we serve him wholeheartedly without quitting and do so joyfully! Now is this always possible...nope! We are going to mess that up cause we are human. I do really want to stay at home when we start a family. I start to think about how that might not always be the most joyful task...that it will probably have far more frustrations then my current position at work where I receive lots of praise. It will be longer hours, thankless (most of the time, at least from the baby's point of view :) and exhausting....but I still smile just thinking about how much bigger the blessing and joy of doing so would be....how worth it it would be! I love other women and investing in their lives and I just think of what a nice opportunity that might be to spend time with them, learn from them and maybe even teach them somethings to. I pray for God's timing, and my heart to desire what he wants for me, not just what I want...whatever that might be!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I heart her :)
I took this photo of my niece Elise a few weeks ago on Mother's Day and had a little fun playing with it...I think I'm gonna print it off and give one to my sister in honor Elise's baptismal birthday. Dave and I are her godparents and I know that's important to my sister. Though my beliefs aren't quite what I grew up with in the Lutheran church we do agree on this...that we vowed to help Brian and Katrina raise Elise up trying always to teach her to put God first...and so that is what we will do. It is very much so like our baby dedications in the non denominational church...so all rules and politics set aside...we were honored to be asked such a thing...I love this little girl as one of my own!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Russia on my heart...
You all know (all zero of you!) the ups and downs I've had lately with fears of providing for our future children etc. You've heard my hearts openness to adoption vs natural children, etc. Lately I haven't really heard much from God on the matter. Could be I wasn't listening and letting fear overtake me. Could be that God just isn't saying anything because it's not His timing yet. I do know that I shouldn't take God for granted and shouldn't brush things off too easily and dismiss them to quickly as being "not God" just because it's something I don't want.
Last week I felt like something had stolen my joy. After receiving prayer at church about it I feel so much better. I look forward and see so much purpose and am so excited about God's plans for me. I know they are far greater than my expectations. I may really want to be a stay at home mom, but that really might not be God's best for me...might be..might not be. I won't know until he reveals that to us. My job is to be obedient to what he asks of me. If he asks me to sacrifice much financially to stay at home and live paycheck to paycheck...then I have to do it. If he asks me to work part time and drop our child off at daycare, vs friends house, vs grandmas...I have to do it if it's what he asks of me. What has given me so much peace is knowing that God will always equip me for whatever he is going to bring on my path. I probably won't know what I am supposed to do financially until after we are pregnant or he reveals we are to adopt...I might, but probably not. I have to trust that he will take care of it. I must be obedient to him and he will take care of it!
Anyways....that was just getting you up to speed on somethings going on in my heart this past week. Which brings me to today. I haven't heard much about God lately with our future family in mind, but after realizing all of the above info (that I have to be obedient to God and his plan regardless of whether it was mine or not) I realized that I must trust him with his timing. I asked him for strength to be obedient and to reveal to us in his timing his plan for our family and that regardless of whether I had answers for Dave's job etc...that if he said start a family that we would be obedient to that. Today at work one of the girls mentioned a missionary from Russia coming and speaking about orphanages that he ministers in there. She invited Dave and I to come. At first I started to play it off, being kind and saying thanks for the offer and that I would have to see what I had going on...fully intending to probably not go but just being polite but then a moment later my mind just stopped.....Russia. Russian adoption...Russia? Dave's family has had Russia on their hearts for years. Dave's dad has even gone there for missions and Dave himself even went once. I have no idea if this was a God thing or not, but it made me stop and think about it long enough to tell Dave about it tonight. Even if it's nothing I can't just ignore it without praying on it. I haven't really had a point in this process of praying that I really felt God calling us to a specific country, or to something domestic. I'm still not even sure if he is calling us to adoption...but something in my heart aches. When I think about these children sometimes my heart just aches...I cry. Tears of longing.
As I thought about Russia tonight I remembered that the Pastor of the church Dave and I attended in college had adopted children from Russia. I searched for him on facebook and found him with one of the boys he adopted from Russia and my heart just melted...tears streamed down my face as I read the caption underneath the photo....
What a sweetheart! Until next time...continuing to pray for God's provision and timing!
God Bless!
Bridget
Last week I felt like something had stolen my joy. After receiving prayer at church about it I feel so much better. I look forward and see so much purpose and am so excited about God's plans for me. I know they are far greater than my expectations. I may really want to be a stay at home mom, but that really might not be God's best for me...might be..might not be. I won't know until he reveals that to us. My job is to be obedient to what he asks of me. If he asks me to sacrifice much financially to stay at home and live paycheck to paycheck...then I have to do it. If he asks me to work part time and drop our child off at daycare, vs friends house, vs grandmas...I have to do it if it's what he asks of me. What has given me so much peace is knowing that God will always equip me for whatever he is going to bring on my path. I probably won't know what I am supposed to do financially until after we are pregnant or he reveals we are to adopt...I might, but probably not. I have to trust that he will take care of it. I must be obedient to him and he will take care of it!
Anyways....that was just getting you up to speed on somethings going on in my heart this past week. Which brings me to today. I haven't heard much about God lately with our future family in mind, but after realizing all of the above info (that I have to be obedient to God and his plan regardless of whether it was mine or not) I realized that I must trust him with his timing. I asked him for strength to be obedient and to reveal to us in his timing his plan for our family and that regardless of whether I had answers for Dave's job etc...that if he said start a family that we would be obedient to that. Today at work one of the girls mentioned a missionary from Russia coming and speaking about orphanages that he ministers in there. She invited Dave and I to come. At first I started to play it off, being kind and saying thanks for the offer and that I would have to see what I had going on...fully intending to probably not go but just being polite but then a moment later my mind just stopped.....Russia. Russian adoption...Russia? Dave's family has had Russia on their hearts for years. Dave's dad has even gone there for missions and Dave himself even went once. I have no idea if this was a God thing or not, but it made me stop and think about it long enough to tell Dave about it tonight. Even if it's nothing I can't just ignore it without praying on it. I haven't really had a point in this process of praying that I really felt God calling us to a specific country, or to something domestic. I'm still not even sure if he is calling us to adoption...but something in my heart aches. When I think about these children sometimes my heart just aches...I cry. Tears of longing.
As I thought about Russia tonight I remembered that the Pastor of the church Dave and I attended in college had adopted children from Russia. I searched for him on facebook and found him with one of the boys he adopted from Russia and my heart just melted...tears streamed down my face as I read the caption underneath the photo....
"Me and Gabe the day he asked if he could come home with me."
What a sweetheart! Until next time...continuing to pray for God's provision and timing!God Bless!
Bridget
Thursday, June 3, 2010
After worrying myself over and over again about if I will be able to someday be a SAHM, I talked with Dave about it. He too wants this for me, but he also doesn't know what the future holds. It's not that he won't try his hardest to make this a reality, but he made a really good point as we were talking....he reminded me that my worth is not determined by whether or not I get to stay home with our children. I won't be defined as a bad mother if God asks me to work part time or full time. In fact I won't be a bad mother at all. Today made me really stop and think about it all. It's time for evaluations at work, and a few weeks ago we were asked to fill out a self evaluation as well as a small evaluation about our management. I received mine back this evening with comments from the doctors (my bosses)......
Bridget is a real joy to work alongside. She is wonderful organized and always thinking ahead. She is wonderfully cross-trained and able to perform capably as either CSR or CVT. Due to circumstances beyond our control she has worked a lot as a CVT lately. She has slid into this role effortlessly and really grasped the Highland protocols and culture. She is an exceptional advocate for the client – and I truly appreciate that! She is always well-groomed and a very friendly and receptive face at the front desk.
You are nothing less than a miracle for HPH! I love your joyful attitude and your willingness to figure out client needs and completely address them and follow through to the end. (Versus allowing someone else to finish up on a client need.) I think you should have great confidence in your knowledge regarding medicine, and this shows when you make recommendations to clients. If I have ever seen you make a bad recommendation, I can't remember it.
I must say I am far harder on myself than they are. I was so flattered to read these and of course they got me thinking outside the box. This whole time that I've worried and fretted and feared over God's will for our future family...just knowing that God must want me to stay at home, I haven't even asked him. I've really just assumed, and yet I can't assume something like this for if I do I very well may be missing out on some of the greatest things God has for me. Ministry opportunities, chances to grow in leadership and in love of people...and maybe he wouldn't be able to teach me these things if I weren't working at least some. Not saying this is his will, but I forget so quickly that me staying at home was my self determined plan all along. Now God very well may ask it of me.....and it will be hard to leave the structure of a job, working at a place that I truly like, losing an income, and wondering if I am wasting my talents, but how much am I missing out on now and where God has me and all that he could be teaching me because I am so focused and certain (of my own plan at least) that I will stay at home....how do I really know that yet? What's most important is that I ask God what he wants for me, for us. What is best for us...not what is best for my best friend, and for my neighbors, and for other women at our church. To not compare myself to them, but to trust God with his specific plan for me....regardless of what everyone else says and what the rest of the world does....my job is to focus on God, grow with him, trust him, trust Dave as the leader of our family and submit to his authority.....and if that means working, well I guess I will work then and do it joyfully and praise God for it :)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
God change my heart!
I was just reading a dear friend of mine's blog post from a week or so ago(you can read it here: http://godetchedyourname.blogspot.com/2010/05/making-sacrifices-my-hubby-gets-little.html#comments)
and was taking note of the comments left by so many readers on the topic of sacrifice. She and her hubby are preparing to adopt a child from Ethiopia. I've talked to her many times about my husband and I's own hearts and seeking out God's will for us in starting a family. There have been so many random coincidences within the last year that really just have made us stop and wonder if God isn't also calling us to adopt, we've been so anti-having children right now that it's hard to change the mindset. Is it a switch that you just turn on or off? Does it just randomly change and one day you wake up and say...I think I want a child? I haven't quite figured it out yet. I do worry about it often.
I cried to my small group at church last week....really just wanting them to pray for us that we wouldn't make selfish decisions but instead give up control and trust God with his timing. All this came at one of those times when I thought I possibly might be pregnant. We've all been there...the ones that send you running to Walgreen's at midnight for a pregnancy test because you might be and you need to know now. You are scared, but at the same time know there would be tears of joy praising God for it being his will and timing and not your own. Yeah this was one of those times....since I got my period at the age of 14 it's been like clockwork. Never a day late a month in my life until last month. At about a week to a week and a half late I finally went to the doctor and got my period later that day. No idea still what was up with my body....it was doing weird things its never done before but nevertheless blood tests came back negative. I thought I might be a bit more heartbroken about this news than I was. I am such a control freak and have been trying to line all my ducks up in a row before we think about starting a family and when I was late I finally thought ya know what? I would be happy if I was because God willed it, not me. When I got the call that the blood tests revealed I wasn't pregnant I was completely ok with it. Happy, yet wondering what God was doing. Is he working on changing my heart? Pregnancy or adoption....I don't really care which God reveals to us first. I just don't want it to be my will that makes it happen. Things don't turn out well when you go ahead of God's plan, however just because I follow God's leading doesn't mean it won't hurt sometimes. It doesn't mean there won't be tests to pass. It doesn't guarantee there will never be a miscarriage, fertility issues, or misplaced adoption papers. I try to so perfectly follow God that I forgot that ever stinking moment of this life is for his glory! Good or bad!
As I have been praying recently for God to just reveal his plans I've stumbled upon so many different scriptures that just made me stop and ask God why:
Genesis 12 made me stumble across the passage of Abram going into Egypt because of the famine in Canann. God never told him to go to Egypt. Abram chose to do the logical thing...I must provide for my family I need to do this. After all God wants me to provide for my family right? Upon reading the story the other times I've read it..this never became apparent to me, but this time....oh how it hit me so hard this time! How many times since Dave and I have been married have we chosen the logic, responsible, acceptable by societies standards way? I'm ashamed to admit that it's far more than choosing God's way.
In Genesis 15 God promised Abram he would be made into a great nation....he promised him a son and yet he listened to Sarai instead of leading her...and had Ishmael by her servant. He promised it. He meant it, and they couldn't wait! God literally said you will have a son from your own body....and they still went ahead with their own plan.
Today I visited the www.proverbs31.org website to read their daily devotion and stumbled upon this verse:
"So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children. And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them." Genesis 50:21 (NIV)
Oh what comforting words to my heart! This is my greatest fear. This is what stops me in my tracks when I think about having a family. I question my own motives...is it ok to stay home? Am I wasting my education? Wasting my talents? I don't want to start this process unless I know we'll be ok and then I hear the questioning again...what if God asks me to work? I really don't want to but what if he asks me to? I know I can trust that he'll provide for us wherever he puts us...but what if what he asks of me isn't what I thought he wanted. Oh it's agonizing! It might sound ridiculous to some but to those of you who have experienced this...you know exactly what I am talking about. I hear you God I know you'll provide (and then the "buts" come), but how?
The women writing today's devotion went on to tell of how her husband of their one income family lost his job and all that God is teaching them through it. All the while rejoicing for their current circumstances.
Which brings me to tonight. My friends blog. My heart ached as I read some of the comments to her blog entry. Seeing the sacrifices these mothers have made. Questioning if I can be that selfless for I am so far from it now. Not knowing if I will even realize it until I hold my own baby in my arms and in that moment I'll just know...I couldn't trade this for anything. I really don't know how it will happen. I just have to trust God. Trust him in the present which means glorifying him in all I do...work included and trusting him enough to know that He already has a plan in motion for my future.
This morning as I pondered these thoughts this verse came to mind:
Philippians 4:6
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
and now I also remember one I repeat often to myself and others:
Matthew 11:28-30
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Sorry it's so long....just a lot on my heart today. I continue to pray for God's will and provision as He continues to change and mold my heart :)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Dreams and Aspirations
I was encouraged tonight. My husband and I had a double date with some friends from church, who happen to be our small group leaders....a couple we both look up to, trust, and love.
The wife is a stay at home mom who is a certified birthing doula. She does this on the side, and of course her main priority is her family. She has the ability to only schedule as many births in one month that she can handle, and to say she is booked if she becomes to busy etc. It made me think about my job right now. Don't get me wrong it's a great job, but for long term I really want to be a stay at home mom. It breaks my heart to think about having to balance a job with expectations from bosses, fellow employees etc, however I could handle a job that I made my own hours with, set up my own boundaries depending upon the needs of our family at that season in life.
I have been turned off of my photography hobby for awhile. Mostly cause I am my own biggest critic I think. I just looked back at some of my photos, and I must say...they are pretty good for a beginner. Professional with years of experience...no...but is anyone expecting that who asks me to take their photos? No. They wouldn't ask me if they didn't like my work. I must say I enjoyed it more before it was weddings. Weddings are fricking tough to photograph. Stressful mostly. Just because there is so much anticipation of things you could miss photographing on someone's big day: the big kiss, her dad's first glance at his beautiful little girl, the grooms face as he see's his bride for the first time...the list goes on. It makes me nervous thinking about it. What's hard is...weddings make the most money in photography world. Is that selfish to think about? Harder to schedule...all in the summer, spring, and fall. Oh and dreaded camera fog in winter from the coldness. Engagment, maternity, senior pics....all can easily be scheduled in a 2 hour time block of an afternoon or morning depending on the time of year.
What has made me nauseous for the longest time, and quite frankly stopped me from picking up my camera in the last 3 or 4 months was watching every person I see talk about aspiring to be a photographer...it makes me question if I really want it, or if I am just like everyone else. I do enjoy photography but sometimes when I sit down to edit I get so frustrated.
I also have been wondering about writing/speaking as well. Are any of these ways God could use to help provide for our family? I have no idea....I just will wait and pray for God's timing. Trust him that he has a will in it all
The wife is a stay at home mom who is a certified birthing doula. She does this on the side, and of course her main priority is her family. She has the ability to only schedule as many births in one month that she can handle, and to say she is booked if she becomes to busy etc. It made me think about my job right now. Don't get me wrong it's a great job, but for long term I really want to be a stay at home mom. It breaks my heart to think about having to balance a job with expectations from bosses, fellow employees etc, however I could handle a job that I made my own hours with, set up my own boundaries depending upon the needs of our family at that season in life.
I have been turned off of my photography hobby for awhile. Mostly cause I am my own biggest critic I think. I just looked back at some of my photos, and I must say...they are pretty good for a beginner. Professional with years of experience...no...but is anyone expecting that who asks me to take their photos? No. They wouldn't ask me if they didn't like my work. I must say I enjoyed it more before it was weddings. Weddings are fricking tough to photograph. Stressful mostly. Just because there is so much anticipation of things you could miss photographing on someone's big day: the big kiss, her dad's first glance at his beautiful little girl, the grooms face as he see's his bride for the first time...the list goes on. It makes me nervous thinking about it. What's hard is...weddings make the most money in photography world. Is that selfish to think about? Harder to schedule...all in the summer, spring, and fall. Oh and dreaded camera fog in winter from the coldness. Engagment, maternity, senior pics....all can easily be scheduled in a 2 hour time block of an afternoon or morning depending on the time of year.
What has made me nauseous for the longest time, and quite frankly stopped me from picking up my camera in the last 3 or 4 months was watching every person I see talk about aspiring to be a photographer...it makes me question if I really want it, or if I am just like everyone else. I do enjoy photography but sometimes when I sit down to edit I get so frustrated.
I also have been wondering about writing/speaking as well. Are any of these ways God could use to help provide for our family? I have no idea....I just will wait and pray for God's timing. Trust him that he has a will in it all
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Random tidbits...
So I want to learn how to sew. I used to sew. Small things...we're talking minimal here. I took two years of sewing in 4-H and if you don't know what the heck 4-H is...it's an organization for boys and girls ranging from ages like 8-18 that develops life skills. In the same way girl scouts and boy scouts does this...4-H also does this in a different way. In 4-H you can learn about a variety of different things ranging from caring for cattle to knitting a scarf. Anyways back to my original point....I took two years of sewing...this was ages ago! I think I learned how to sew a pillow case, which therefore led to learning how to hem, and learned how to put elastic in something (what good does that do me now..I have no idea!). So that was the extent of my sewing knowledge. My mom pretty much had to glue my butt to a chair to get me to even finish the hem for my final project which I had to turn in at the 4-H fair...not going to even go into what the 4-H fair is....basically you present your best effort craft, etc and submit it for judging. I remember sitting outside during the summer in a lawn chair, hemming my stupid pillowcase...outside why you might ask? Because if you knew me as a child you would know that I much rather would have rolled in a pile of manure than do girly things like clean and bake all day inside. Now that I am older....I'm kicking myself for not caring more! My entire being wants to be more knowledgeable about things like cooking, baking (not just baking cookies but baking real things like breads, pastries, and pies), sewing, etc....things I now know little about because I failed to pay attention as a child. Now I see the amazing wealth of knowledge I missed out on by being so consumed with doing whatever else my heart desired....
Like sewing this...
How stinkin adorable is that! I'm also intrigued by things like handmade diaper bags....
and handmade burp cloths...not that they are all baby things, but someday I will want them for our children...someday :) They'd also make great baby shower gifts!
Here are the burp cloths...
or what about table runners...
On to other things...so I haven't blogged in awhile. Mostly because there have been things I have been seeing on others blogs that have kind of upset me. You kind find almost any type of blog you want to online. Some are really interesting and informative, and others are destructive and very opinionated. Well isn't that what a blog is you might ask? I wanted so badly to express my discontent about certain subjects that some other bloggers may write about...after all my blog should be my freedom of speech right? I kind of think I've decided that we should be careful to so quickly assume this factor. Does writing it down online really give me the right to not think that others have feelings and that its ok to put myself above others and not care about them, not love others even with their differences exactly as they are?
Christ calls us to this....to love our neighbors as ourselves. I see so much judgement whether it be on a blog or in real life...and how awful it is. Working moms vs stay at home moms, having a bigger better house, prettier things, fat vs skinny, ugly vs pretty, college education vs no post secondary education....its not just blogs its everywhere.
Something I myself have fallen prey to.
Something I have listened to the lies of.
Something I believed and became.
Something I found my value in instead of my Savior
Something I starved myself for just to be good enough.
I was reading through an adoption blog I was reading tonight, and as Dave and I pray about the possibility of God leading us to this, I realize already before we've even begun the journey how much of it already hits home. She wrote about the first child they chose to adopt...since then they've adopted many more, and how many things people said to them that were hurtful and just downright mean. Already as Dave and I have asked people to pray for God's purpose and will in this we've already received questions...of course people assume when you are considering adoption that you have fertility problems. I now know this isn't necessarily the case...we don't have them. We've never tried to get pregnant. So I don't think we have any that I know of. We have friends who also are in the same boat...no problem getting pregnant, just feel that God has called them to adopt before considering a natural family. Some people are so supportive. Others ask questions that I think they are meaning to come across as helpful, but really it just seems to speak their own fear and doubts outloud. Some of which are: well what if they have a medical problem (physical or mental handicap etc)....well what if they do? Are they not still God's child with one? Not saying it wouldn't be hard, but who am I to doubt God's provision, purpose and plan for such a thing? Others say well we know people who've worked and taught adopted children and they have so many "problems." I believe they were talking about behavioral, etc....doesn't every child have that potential? To be raised in bad environments with unloving parents, who don't know Jesus?? Thus they become a product of their environment....feeling unloved, with low self worth, and no idea who their Savior really is? Others mention concerns they have of how much knowledge we would lack about raising children since we might get a 2 year old vs a newborn...and how much preparation there is in the whole process...from conception to newborn to toddler etc. Is God not still bigger than this?
Maybe I'm hearing these things from people who just don't know the depth of faith and trust they can have in God. Believe me...I never would have guessed that God would even have us be considering this right now but he's already taught me so much through it...even if this isn't his will. I am so glad he reminded us how much bigger his plans are then ours, by knocking my perfect plan off its pedestal and shaking it up a bit just by getting us to think, pray, and consider his provision with our family.
I have no doubt in my mind that the new few years of our lives are going to be challenging...probably tears of both joy and sorrow, God continuing to help me release my grip on the plan for my life that I hold so dearly....but I am so excited to see where He takes us. So at peace about knowing that God alone knows what he is doing. God will equip us for whatever tasks he has for us on this earth and I just have to trust that. What an amazing God we serve! It doesn't matter if an adopted child, or a natural born child has a heart condition...God ordained it...he or she will still be ours...to love, cherish and provide for. To cuddle, kiss, read stories, and teach God's word to. It doesn't matter how much knowledge we may lack....God will equip us. I have no doubt. It's scary...but I know he'll meet us exactly where we are.
I'm thankful for those who have expressed concern, but I do wish they would focus on all the amazing things that God could do through this instead of all the negative things they can think of.
We still aren't sure what God is laying on our hearts yet....but I do have to admit as I think of holding a little boy in my arms someday to hug to my chest and rock to sleep...he's not caucasian....I'm not sure where he is from...only time will tell I guess and until then I can't guess...I have to trust God's perfect timing as to whether or not we'll start the adoption process or natural family planning.
All for now!
Bridget
Like sewing this...
How stinkin adorable is that! I'm also intrigued by things like handmade diaper bags....
and handmade burp cloths...not that they are all baby things, but someday I will want them for our children...someday :) They'd also make great baby shower gifts!
Here are the burp cloths...
or what about table runners...
On to other things...so I haven't blogged in awhile. Mostly because there have been things I have been seeing on others blogs that have kind of upset me. You kind find almost any type of blog you want to online. Some are really interesting and informative, and others are destructive and very opinionated. Well isn't that what a blog is you might ask? I wanted so badly to express my discontent about certain subjects that some other bloggers may write about...after all my blog should be my freedom of speech right? I kind of think I've decided that we should be careful to so quickly assume this factor. Does writing it down online really give me the right to not think that others have feelings and that its ok to put myself above others and not care about them, not love others even with their differences exactly as they are?
Christ calls us to this....to love our neighbors as ourselves. I see so much judgement whether it be on a blog or in real life...and how awful it is. Working moms vs stay at home moms, having a bigger better house, prettier things, fat vs skinny, ugly vs pretty, college education vs no post secondary education....its not just blogs its everywhere.
Something I myself have fallen prey to.
Something I have listened to the lies of.
Something I believed and became.
Something I found my value in instead of my Savior
Something I starved myself for just to be good enough.
I was reading through an adoption blog I was reading tonight, and as Dave and I pray about the possibility of God leading us to this, I realize already before we've even begun the journey how much of it already hits home. She wrote about the first child they chose to adopt...since then they've adopted many more, and how many things people said to them that were hurtful and just downright mean. Already as Dave and I have asked people to pray for God's purpose and will in this we've already received questions...of course people assume when you are considering adoption that you have fertility problems. I now know this isn't necessarily the case...we don't have them. We've never tried to get pregnant. So I don't think we have any that I know of. We have friends who also are in the same boat...no problem getting pregnant, just feel that God has called them to adopt before considering a natural family. Some people are so supportive. Others ask questions that I think they are meaning to come across as helpful, but really it just seems to speak their own fear and doubts outloud. Some of which are: well what if they have a medical problem (physical or mental handicap etc)....well what if they do? Are they not still God's child with one? Not saying it wouldn't be hard, but who am I to doubt God's provision, purpose and plan for such a thing? Others say well we know people who've worked and taught adopted children and they have so many "problems." I believe they were talking about behavioral, etc....doesn't every child have that potential? To be raised in bad environments with unloving parents, who don't know Jesus?? Thus they become a product of their environment....feeling unloved, with low self worth, and no idea who their Savior really is? Others mention concerns they have of how much knowledge we would lack about raising children since we might get a 2 year old vs a newborn...and how much preparation there is in the whole process...from conception to newborn to toddler etc. Is God not still bigger than this?
Maybe I'm hearing these things from people who just don't know the depth of faith and trust they can have in God. Believe me...I never would have guessed that God would even have us be considering this right now but he's already taught me so much through it...even if this isn't his will. I am so glad he reminded us how much bigger his plans are then ours, by knocking my perfect plan off its pedestal and shaking it up a bit just by getting us to think, pray, and consider his provision with our family.
I have no doubt in my mind that the new few years of our lives are going to be challenging...probably tears of both joy and sorrow, God continuing to help me release my grip on the plan for my life that I hold so dearly....but I am so excited to see where He takes us. So at peace about knowing that God alone knows what he is doing. God will equip us for whatever tasks he has for us on this earth and I just have to trust that. What an amazing God we serve! It doesn't matter if an adopted child, or a natural born child has a heart condition...God ordained it...he or she will still be ours...to love, cherish and provide for. To cuddle, kiss, read stories, and teach God's word to. It doesn't matter how much knowledge we may lack....God will equip us. I have no doubt. It's scary...but I know he'll meet us exactly where we are.
I'm thankful for those who have expressed concern, but I do wish they would focus on all the amazing things that God could do through this instead of all the negative things they can think of.
We still aren't sure what God is laying on our hearts yet....but I do have to admit as I think of holding a little boy in my arms someday to hug to my chest and rock to sleep...he's not caucasian....I'm not sure where he is from...only time will tell I guess and until then I can't guess...I have to trust God's perfect timing as to whether or not we'll start the adoption process or natural family planning.
All for now!
Bridget
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
So even though I haven't really figured out how to have any followers yet..except one..love ya Kris! I still like to post on here. It makes me feel open....free....to say anything.
So tonight I wanted to take a few minutes to vent my fear. I know fear is something that isn't of God...Satan loves to make us dwell on fear....gravel in it....live it. So I am speaking my fear outloud...maybe this will help me get over it.
I have this fear of disappointment. I always want to please people. It deeply hurts me if I feel that I have disappointed them. This of course gets in the way of doing God's will if I am so focused on what others expect and want from me. So I am starting to understand this fear more and more now. Tonight it tried to attack again. So many of my friends are having babies, and some are really cool about it....go with the flow, baby adapts to their lifestyle, not baby takes over their lives lifestyle...I know every baby is different. Some are laid back, some are more needy, etc.
With some of my friends, I am afraid that things will change as they start families....of course their family takes precedence over our friendship but I wonder will I be forgotten? Will I be tossed aside...as if my friendship to these women never mattered? As I hear myself say it I realize what the underlying fear is....fear or abandonment...fear of loneliness....fear of being forgotten....fear that I am worth nothing....that I will become the lie that Satan presses upon me....that I will be a nobody.
I pray off these fears...for my worth is in my Savior. I was created in God's image, perfectly handcrafted by his steady hands. The world will disappointment. The world will walk away, abandon me, and hurt me, but regardless...I am a child of God, beautiful and lovely in His sight!
So tonight I wanted to take a few minutes to vent my fear. I know fear is something that isn't of God...Satan loves to make us dwell on fear....gravel in it....live it. So I am speaking my fear outloud...maybe this will help me get over it.
I have this fear of disappointment. I always want to please people. It deeply hurts me if I feel that I have disappointed them. This of course gets in the way of doing God's will if I am so focused on what others expect and want from me. So I am starting to understand this fear more and more now. Tonight it tried to attack again. So many of my friends are having babies, and some are really cool about it....go with the flow, baby adapts to their lifestyle, not baby takes over their lives lifestyle...I know every baby is different. Some are laid back, some are more needy, etc.
With some of my friends, I am afraid that things will change as they start families....of course their family takes precedence over our friendship but I wonder will I be forgotten? Will I be tossed aside...as if my friendship to these women never mattered? As I hear myself say it I realize what the underlying fear is....fear or abandonment...fear of loneliness....fear of being forgotten....fear that I am worth nothing....that I will become the lie that Satan presses upon me....that I will be a nobody.
I pray off these fears...for my worth is in my Savior. I was created in God's image, perfectly handcrafted by his steady hands. The world will disappointment. The world will walk away, abandon me, and hurt me, but regardless...I am a child of God, beautiful and lovely in His sight!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
She Speaks Conference through Proverbs 31 Ministries!!
I've had this desire in my heart for awhile now that I am just not sure what to do with. I spoke a little about it in one of my first posts. For quite sometime now I've questioned whether this path I am on is really the right path for me? Is this is really where God has taken me or if this is where I brought myself to? I like safety. I like security. I like control. Don't get me wrong I've seen purpose and learning in this path along the way, but I'm just not sure my heart lies within my present career state. I work with animals, cause I've always loved animals, but lately my heart just wants to help people. Women in particular. I've always loved moments of sharing with young single women or even with women in dating relationships. My spiritual gifts are definitely highest in counseling and shepherding which explains why so many times women whom I don't even know very well will just start sharing intimate details about themselves with me. They open up even the most wounded areas of their hearts and share them with me! Why me? I've grown to really enjoy speaking in front of women, investing in their lives, and letting God work through me. I've even thought about writing as a way of investing into women's lives and I just smile at the thought, and though I do care about animals it doesn't bring me true joy. I've tried to be content. God has blessed me with so many things....so much more than I deserve, but I can't help but wonder if I painted this picture of my life myself? Did I really let the master of the universe lead me here or did I force myself one step ahead of him so that I could maintain control? I write this because it's been on my heart.
Recently I learned of a conference through Proverbs31.org ministries that I could attend in order to gain knowledge and experience as a public speaker and writer. I've been praying about this opportunity. God do you really want me here? It's completely something that I am not in control of if He does. I can't even begin to admit how scared I am if God really does want this for me? To maybe leave the field of veterinary medicine which I've known for so long? To give up a steady paycheck? Lord I ask only because I want to be fully yours!
I've been reading Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl, by Lysa TerKeurst, President of Proverbs31 Ministries. As I read her story about how she came to be where she is now, jumping from one career to the next, "filling this gap" that only could be filled by the Creator Himself, my entire being related with her heart. "Who am I God?" I ask. "Where do you want to send me?"
Much to my surprise when I checked on the Proverbs31 website at the beginning of this week I found this link:
http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2010/03/she-speaks-scholarship-contest.html
A scholarship for someone to go to this amazing conference!
And here is a link all about the conference itself:
http://www.shespeaksconference.com/index.htm
I write this post hoping to possibly be the one chosen to win such an amazing opportunity! For now I just sit, wait, and pray for God's timing and His provision for my life! Even if I don't win, I don't take that as a sign that this isn't where God wantsme. I'll just continue to pray that I will give God all of me to use for His purposes and not my own.
God Bless!
Bridget
Recently I learned of a conference through Proverbs31.org ministries that I could attend in order to gain knowledge and experience as a public speaker and writer. I've been praying about this opportunity. God do you really want me here? It's completely something that I am not in control of if He does. I can't even begin to admit how scared I am if God really does want this for me? To maybe leave the field of veterinary medicine which I've known for so long? To give up a steady paycheck? Lord I ask only because I want to be fully yours!
I've been reading Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl, by Lysa TerKeurst, President of Proverbs31 Ministries. As I read her story about how she came to be where she is now, jumping from one career to the next, "filling this gap" that only could be filled by the Creator Himself, my entire being related with her heart. "Who am I God?" I ask. "Where do you want to send me?"
Much to my surprise when I checked on the Proverbs31 website at the beginning of this week I found this link:
http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2010/03/she-speaks-scholarship-contest.html
A scholarship for someone to go to this amazing conference!
And here is a link all about the conference itself:
http://www.shespeaksconference.com/index.htm
I write this post hoping to possibly be the one chosen to win such an amazing opportunity! For now I just sit, wait, and pray for God's timing and His provision for my life! Even if I don't win, I don't take that as a sign that this isn't where God wantsme. I'll just continue to pray that I will give God all of me to use for His purposes and not my own.
God Bless!
Bridget
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Love and (Dis)respect
Today has been an interesting day...a good day, but an interesting one. My hubby and I have been eagerly awaiting the spring in order to start our outdoor projects. With him taking 3 classes while working full time, life can be a little crazy. We had originally decided that we would work on outdoor projects once the spring semester ended during his break before summer school started. Then the other day we were like...well why not just get it over with that way his break is actually well...a break. I told him that I could dig up the old patio and try to keep his work as minimal as possible since he is in school right now. So then we come to today...forecasts were calling all week for snow in central Illinois this weekend even though we have had days in the upper sixties this week. I woke up this morning seeing the sun shining somewhat but still cloudy...no snow, no rain, a little chilly but I thought eh why not...let's get this project started cause who knows what the weather will be like later. Well lo and behold the project ended up being much harder then I thought it would be for a girl anyway, but I was determined. I ended up getting kinda irritated at the hubby cause he was inside doing homework and not helping me which of course led to an argument, then to an even bigger argument which involved me being angry, saying disrespectful things I shouldn't, and some not so very nice words. I know I have a temper....it's my worst trait. I can't seem to nip it in the butt.
Sometimes I find that I hurt the one I love the most, the worst....because I know he loves me so much and will forgive me. I think out of all the people in my life he is the one I truly can say I trust. I still have my moments of fear even with him that I get defensive to protect myself and my heart...then I remember...this is Dave....he loves me!
My temper gets me in trouble and to be quite honest it's inexcusable. I have my own 26 year old version of temper tantrums sometimes and when I really step back and look at them from the outside in, I recognize how ridiculous they are. I pray that God will free me from the hold my anger sometimes can have on me. That it would be replaced with joy. That I would love and respect my husband as God has called me to.
The day improved and turned out to be quite a good day! I finished digging up both patios...took me about 4.5 hours but it's all done except for a small area I left to walk out our back door on so we don't have to trek through mud. I spent some time with my neighbor and her family- taught her how to make homemade laundry soap which is a huge money saver. Took some measurements for our new patio to calculate how many cubic yards of concrete we need...it's gonna cost more than I anticipated but it's ok. We have some extra income this month and we both know how much we will really enjoy having this space for ourselves and entertaining in it. Went out to eat at chipotle and went shoe shopping with the hubs. A good day! I'm excited and intrigued cause a friend of mine has just started making her own yogurt,....it's actually really easy so I am excited to try it!
All for now...sorry some of this post is so random!
God Bless!
Sometimes I find that I hurt the one I love the most, the worst....because I know he loves me so much and will forgive me. I think out of all the people in my life he is the one I truly can say I trust. I still have my moments of fear even with him that I get defensive to protect myself and my heart...then I remember...this is Dave....he loves me!
My temper gets me in trouble and to be quite honest it's inexcusable. I have my own 26 year old version of temper tantrums sometimes and when I really step back and look at them from the outside in, I recognize how ridiculous they are. I pray that God will free me from the hold my anger sometimes can have on me. That it would be replaced with joy. That I would love and respect my husband as God has called me to.
The day improved and turned out to be quite a good day! I finished digging up both patios...took me about 4.5 hours but it's all done except for a small area I left to walk out our back door on so we don't have to trek through mud. I spent some time with my neighbor and her family- taught her how to make homemade laundry soap which is a huge money saver. Took some measurements for our new patio to calculate how many cubic yards of concrete we need...it's gonna cost more than I anticipated but it's ok. We have some extra income this month and we both know how much we will really enjoy having this space for ourselves and entertaining in it. Went out to eat at chipotle and went shoe shopping with the hubs. A good day! I'm excited and intrigued cause a friend of mine has just started making her own yogurt,....it's actually really easy so I am excited to try it!
All for now...sorry some of this post is so random!
God Bless!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Distractions
Why is it that whenever I know I need to just sit down and spend some quality time with my Savior, that my mind just won't settle? It keeps being distracted by a million different things!
The very thing that I need the most is most often the thing I spend the least amount of time doing. How much more patient would I be if I spent more time with Jesus? How much more joy would I have if I daily gave Him the best part of my day...the part of my day that is fresh and rejuvenated, the part of me that hasn't been wearied by a days work, or bruised by scars that humanity tends to bestow on one another?
All day long I have been thinking about plans for our outside projects that are coming up. I am so eager to get started that I have practically thought of nothing else all day. Lord bring balance to my life. To not be so absorbed by every project I throw myself into, but instead realizing the daily responsibilities you have also given me and to not take them lightly.
Ok I need to go spend sometime with God before I go to bed, but I am excited to start posting about our upcoming projects soon. Last summer when we bought our house we focused every ounce of energy on the interior. With that pretty much done we're turning our attention to the outdoors. Soon to come: ripping out our existing ugly patio and front patio, setting our new patio, painting our shutters & storage shed, digging and planting the garden, and designing some landscaping and flower beds....super excited for the finished products....the leg work eh not so much!
The very thing that I need the most is most often the thing I spend the least amount of time doing. How much more patient would I be if I spent more time with Jesus? How much more joy would I have if I daily gave Him the best part of my day...the part of my day that is fresh and rejuvenated, the part of me that hasn't been wearied by a days work, or bruised by scars that humanity tends to bestow on one another?
All day long I have been thinking about plans for our outside projects that are coming up. I am so eager to get started that I have practically thought of nothing else all day. Lord bring balance to my life. To not be so absorbed by every project I throw myself into, but instead realizing the daily responsibilities you have also given me and to not take them lightly.
Ok I need to go spend sometime with God before I go to bed, but I am excited to start posting about our upcoming projects soon. Last summer when we bought our house we focused every ounce of energy on the interior. With that pretty much done we're turning our attention to the outdoors. Soon to come: ripping out our existing ugly patio and front patio, setting our new patio, painting our shutters & storage shed, digging and planting the garden, and designing some landscaping and flower beds....super excited for the finished products....the leg work eh not so much!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday Afternoon Thoughts
So I have tried numerous times to get a blog to work, and I have never quite taken the time I should have to figure out how they work. I can never quite figure out layouts properly, or how to import pictures into posts but I think I finally figured this one out.
My problem before was mostly figuring out how to add people to it....so if you are reading this consider yourself lucky since I was able to figure out how to add you!
Numerous things have been on my heart lately that I'm trying to work through. Just a few of them:
1) My job- I love where I work. My bosses are incredible and run their business with such integrity and ethical value. Their faith is a large part of their business and it shows in their everyday lives. Problem is....I work as a veterinary technician which I do like working with animals and my coworkers and our clients, but I just don't know that my heart is in it. I love the hands on side of my job- blood draws, IV catheters, work on the microscope but my heart seems to be drawn to helping women...of all ages. Single girls, newlyweds, young mothers....I know we all aren't called to fulltime ministry but I've often thought about speaking or writing to invest in the lives of women. So where do I start? Educate myself...I must spend time in the word, spend time with God and seek out if this is part of His will for me. There is a speaking/writing training conference through Provers31 ministries that I am intrigued by and am praying about whether or not God wants me to go.
2) Family- Dave and I have been recently wondering if it is in God's plans for us to adopt a child first before having natural born children. We don't have any fertility problems that we know of, and are unsure at this point, but definitely feel that it is possible he maybe leading us to do so, and so we wait, and we pray!
Well I think I am going to go read a book I've been working on called "Coming Attractions" by Robin Jones Gunn. She is a christian fiction author, and this is the 3rd book in one of her series. It's getting pretty good and I like to wrap myself up in a good fiction book when I can. My first Christian fiction love is Karen Kingsbury but I have read many of hers and am now waiting for her next book in the series I was working on to come out within the next month...super excited!!!
Tonight we have plans with some friends from church for supper. I love our church. It really has become a second home for us....another family....and a place of safety!
Til later~
BB
My problem before was mostly figuring out how to add people to it....so if you are reading this consider yourself lucky since I was able to figure out how to add you!
Numerous things have been on my heart lately that I'm trying to work through. Just a few of them:
1) My job- I love where I work. My bosses are incredible and run their business with such integrity and ethical value. Their faith is a large part of their business and it shows in their everyday lives. Problem is....I work as a veterinary technician which I do like working with animals and my coworkers and our clients, but I just don't know that my heart is in it. I love the hands on side of my job- blood draws, IV catheters, work on the microscope but my heart seems to be drawn to helping women...of all ages. Single girls, newlyweds, young mothers....I know we all aren't called to fulltime ministry but I've often thought about speaking or writing to invest in the lives of women. So where do I start? Educate myself...I must spend time in the word, spend time with God and seek out if this is part of His will for me. There is a speaking/writing training conference through Provers31 ministries that I am intrigued by and am praying about whether or not God wants me to go.
2) Family- Dave and I have been recently wondering if it is in God's plans for us to adopt a child first before having natural born children. We don't have any fertility problems that we know of, and are unsure at this point, but definitely feel that it is possible he maybe leading us to do so, and so we wait, and we pray!
Well I think I am going to go read a book I've been working on called "Coming Attractions" by Robin Jones Gunn. She is a christian fiction author, and this is the 3rd book in one of her series. It's getting pretty good and I like to wrap myself up in a good fiction book when I can. My first Christian fiction love is Karen Kingsbury but I have read many of hers and am now waiting for her next book in the series I was working on to come out within the next month...super excited!!!
Tonight we have plans with some friends from church for supper. I love our church. It really has become a second home for us....another family....and a place of safety!
Til later~
BB
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)